How to deal with toxic people…


We made it to present day here….well pretty much, and I am going to finish up the story and give you all the current bullshit that’s going on with my toxic family, but I wanted to take a break from all that and give you all some tips for dealing with Toxic people, whether they are psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists or whatever. I should probably preface this with telling you guys that I am (very obviously) not a doctor or qualified mental health practitioner. I am just sharing with you guys what has and hasn’t worked for me, and how I respond to the negativity, the baiting, the antagonizing, the word twisting, the gaslighting, the projection and just straight up, bullshit lies and psychoticness. (That is so not a word, but you get it). So I am going to explain to you guys, how I’ve responded in the past and I’m going to give you all some tips that I have learned along the way. 

Tip #1: KNOW WHO YOU ARE



You guys may think I sound crazy here, and are saying to yourselves, “but it’s not me, it’s them”, and you’re right, most of the time it is them.  Bear with me for a moment. You need to step out of yourself, be honest and try to look how you contribute to the toxicity, because you do contribute to it.  I know this sounds crazy, but NONE of us are perfect. We all have one or two traits that when we read about Narcs, psycho’s and Socio’s we start bugging out, and for a split second we think, “shit, am I the narcissist, here?”. Most likely, the answer is NO. Reason being is that no narcissist, sociopath or psychopath is going to even be reading that kind of shit! They do not care enough about other human beings to truly understand them. I followed the Jodi Arias trial EXTENSIVELY and I remember watching a psychologist’s commentary on the Dr. Drew show on HLN, about the case. He basically said that there is no such thing as “all good” and “all bad”. (That is called “splitting” and that’s how narcs, socio’s and psychopath’s view things). As hard as it to believe even the most evil of beings have one or two good qualities…..even Jodi Arias….ok not her, she’s pure fucking evil. Anyway, I agree with him, and so while we, “the victims” are probably mostly all good, we do possess a few bad qualities ourselves. 
The other thing to keep in mind here is that we cannot change other people. We cannot simply tell a narcissist to stop being a narcissist. God, if only it were that easy! We are only responsible for our own actions, and so with that said, we need to realize how we add to the bullshit, and we need to adjust our behaviors accordingly. I consider myself someone who is exceptionally self aware, good and bad. I have an innate ability to push people’s buttons. I am sarcastic. I am impulsive. I don’t always think before I speak, and at times I don’t know when to stop or how to filter my language. While I always knew these things about myself, I was not able to see how those things contributed to my relationships with the toxic people in my life, and how I was making things even more toxic, until recently when I took a step back and analyzed my relationships with these people. Unfortunately when tragedy strikes, you see people’s true colors. 

A perfect example of how I contribute to the toxicity; I cannot take when people think they are getting one over on me. It fucking kills me. I don’t like when people think that I’m stupid and cannot read between the lines. I am a venter. I need to express my feelings. If something is wrong, I feel like it HAS to be known, I cannot hold back.  Back before my mom passed, I was taking my anger out in an unhealthy, passive aggressive way. I would see quotes and stuff on Facebook, and feel like I could relate them to what I was going through with my family, and so I’d post them. My aunts (and their guilty consciences) being the same way, they would see my posts and then they’d go seek out their own posts or make passive aggressive comments. It got to a point where I stopped, but they kept going. It’s very hard for me not to jump down their throats and call out their contradictions and/or hypocrisy. I didn’t need the added stress at that time of fighting with them, and so I made the decision to unfriend all of them on Facebook so their posts would no longer show up on my newsfeed. I know I have issues with impulse control (thanks ADHD) and so me not seeing them would help me control MY behavior. If I don’t have the temptation there then I can better control how I react to them. 
Tip #2: YOU AREN’T OBLIGATED TO RESPOND



This sounds so simple and if you’re anything like me, it’s not that easy to do. You have to remember that toxic people like to fight, argue, disrupt, inflame, incite riots, and cause chaos, that’s what makes them toxic. 9 out 10 times they are trying to draw you out of your fox hole so they can fulfill that need, or so they can further exploit you. If you don’t respond, you are not adding more gasoline to their fire….. you are putting out their flame. In the past four months I have held back and bit my tongue, and I have noticed that the more I ignore the toxic people in my life, the more angry and starved for attention they become, just like a flame needs oxygen to keep burning. 

If you want to piss them off, ignore them! The worst thing for a narcissist or psychopath is losing their “supply”. Don’t be their supply.

 I am normally very reactive, but I completely switched up my game. I was in a lose/lose situation with my family. I started to realize that it doesn’t really matter how gently  I approached them, I am always in the wrong. I am the family scapegoat. They’ve been antagonizing me because they want to prove to everyone that they are right, and I am the asshole. The more I ignore it and press on with what I have to do, the more angry and desperate they become, and now instead of exposing me, they are exposing themselves, and the people around them are starting to see the sickness without me saying or doing anything. 

Now, keep in mind, I am not saying that you should never respond, or stick up for yourself, or that you should walk on eggshells, and tip toe around them, not at all. I’m trying to tell you that you need to control if and how you’re going to respond to them because your responses are what’s going to dictate how the conversation goes and how much abuse you receive in return. When you are dealing with people who are just going to twist whatever you say around, it’s not worth your time to try to convince them of your side. I had to learn this the hard way. 

Deaf people do not listen! 
Tip #3: RESPOND, BUT DON’T RESPOND 
This blog is one big response to the toxic people in my life. Writing is what kept me sane during my horribly hormonal, high school years. I kept a journal and I wrote in it every night. I stopped writing somewhere around my last year of college and I realized recently that it was a great and safe way to for me to cope with what I am going through.

I have received a few letters from my brother and my aunts in the last few months and I now realize that responding to them and giving them a dose of reality does absolutely nothing, because all they will do is deflect, deny or disregard the truth.  They have no interest in the truth. I now realize that my best option is write them back, but never send it to them! It helps me get out the things I want to say, but I don’t have to deal with the backlash or bullshit that comes with it. I don’t have to deal with the frustration of their lack of acknowledgement or accountability. Trust me. I would love nothing more than tearing these toxic assholes to SHREDS, but I’ve realized now that it does me absolutely no good. I will never get back the honest reply that I am hoping for. I will never get validated by them, and so with that I take care of my urge to respond, but I don’t feed the beast. 

Tip #4:KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES EVEN CLOSER

Ok not really close. By close I mean, know who they are. Really take a look at the people you are dealing with and ask yourself, is it me or them? My aunt Debbie is a great example here. I was very close with my Aunt Debbie’s daughter Tina. I would spend hours on the phone with Tina as she complained about aunt Debbie and how Aunt Debbie treated her. I sat back one day and really analyzed Aunt Debbie  as aperson and I saw who she really was. Aunt Debbie has been married twice, and has had a long string of failed relationships in the last decade. She is 60 years old, lonely and bitter. She is constantly surrounded by conflict, because I think she actually enjoys the conflict. It gives her something to do and something to talk about since her life is so pathetic.  My mom and Aunt Debbie talked every day and my mom would always tell me how Aunt Debbie always seems to be fighting with someone. She has MANY friends with whom she has had fights with, and hasn’t spoken to in years. She stops talking to them for years at a time and some she cuts off completely, and it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known one another.  Usually it’s over something really stupid and trivial. Aunt Debbie is spiteful and vindictive, even with her own daughter.  Knowing this about her helps me know that it’s not me. She has a high conflict personality. She always needs to be right even if it means cutting off her nose to spite her own face.  I have never met someone who has fights with their friends the way she does. So you need to look at the toxic person and ask if they are surrounded by conflict. Once you determine that, you know that most likely this is a person who isn’t going to take anything that you have to say to heart. Even if you are right, they will never admit it because they are too stubborn. Trying to point out the truth or trying to resolve issues with a person like that is going to be very difficult unless you just completely give in, kiss their asses and grovel for forgiveness, even if all you did was defend yourself against one of their cruel and senseless attacks. 

Tip #5 DON’T RESPOND EVEN BY PROXY

 
Most people you’d deem toxic in your life are also highly manipulative. They also like to “triangulate” and/or recruit others into their battles and crusades. If you truly don’t want to deal with their drama, don’t talk about them with mutual friends or other family members.  If you do, don’t talk shit about them. Don’t give them anything to hold against you. A lot of people will pretend and play both sides of the fence because let’s face it, sometimes it’s straight up entertainment to hear other people’s drama and bullshit. Your words may get skewed and taken out of context like a big ol game of telephone. Just remember those who gossip with you, probably gossip about you. You never know if they will slip up and tell them something you said about the toxic person. 

My aunts and my brother have been trying to reach me but I haven’t responded because at this point in the game, my lawyer has told me not to respond and not to put anything in writing. First my brother wrote me and email and then Aunt Bea. When that didn’t work Aunt Debbie tried to speak through my Aunt Dana who is in no way involved in our conflict. Her attempt to contact me was meant to be manipulative to both me and Aunt Dana. She was trying to get Aunt Dana to “talk some sense into me” and so she asked her to deliver a message. My response to Aunt Dana was, my name and phone number and the name and phone number of my lawyer. I told aunt Dana that I will NOT be communicating through her. When aunt Dana gave Aunt Debbie my response,she said, “that’s all she had to say?”. That right there showed me that she was looking for more from me. She wanted me to respond to the drama but I refused. 

Tip #6 – KEEP RECORDS

 
This tip is probably the single, most important tip I can give you. Of course it’s just not possible to record every single conversation you have, but if you are involved in conflict with a toxic personality or you are sensing a conflict with them, you are going to want to start keeping record of conversations. This was probably the absolute smartest thing I could do when it came to my family. I tried to keep all of our conversations in texts. If I was speaking with my brother there were times he’d try to call and I’d make some excuse up and tell him I was unable to answer my phone. Sure my storage on my phone is full all of the time, but I have a record of every word that was said. If someone tries to twist and obscure my words or even their own words, I have solid proof. When my brother went and lied to a lawyer about my mom having no will, he had sent my husband a text telling him that I can either hand over the will that names my aunt’s as executors or he will be filing for letters of administration. When he filed for letters of administration, he signed a sworn affidavit that said he did a diligent search for the will and determined that no will had ever existed. Clearly he was lying since he had acknowledged it in his text. Keeping records will help keep your sanity! 
Tip #7 KEEP IT BUSINESS
I realize that most of these tips are basically saying not to respond and not to feed into it, but there are times and situations in life where you have no choice but to converse with them. If and when you must communicate with them, keep it short and sweet, and to the point. Do not give them any more than what you have to give them. This leaves them with very little room to distract, deflect or twist words. Do not write to them or speak to them with any emotion or feeling about whatever topic you are discussing. Remember that toxic people do not care about your feelings, they only care about their feelings.  You almost have to be robotic when dealing with them. Do not give them too much detail or make it too lengthy. I’ve noticed that NONE of the toxic people in my life seem to know how to read or listen. I can tell by their responses that they aren’t fully paying attention. If they try to change the subject, stay the course, but do so without emotions or criticizing them. It took me a VERY long time to learn this, but I promise you, it is worth while. If you don’t come out of your face with them, they don’t know how to respond. They get really tripped up when you are calm, cool and collected. There were a few times I felt I had to share information with my aunts, in the last few months, and so I just wrote very short emails to them, got to the point, stayed real cordial and didn’t take any of their bait to try to reel me into an argument.  For instance, one of my mom’s neighbors saw a red SUV parked in my mom’s driveway, one day. I know aunt Debbie is the ONLY person who would be in her driveway, who has a red SUV. I was at the house around that time and noticed that someone had taken some boxes of my brother’s stuff from the house, that he left behind the night I caught him and his wife removing items off the property. I assumed my aunt Debbie, thinking she was the named executor of my mom’s will, thought she could remove the items from the property, and I couldn’t say shit to her about it. The reality was though, while she was the named executor, she hadn’t been appointed by the courts yet, and so legally she had no authority to do so. I wrote her an email letting her know that she was seen at the house removing items, and I reminded her that she hadn’t been appointed yet and shouldn’t be removing items from the property. I had tried to peacefully and amicably reach out to her in the weeks following my mom’s death,  and she refused to respond to me. Of course once she was being accused of something, she answered right away. She denied being there, and so when I responded, I kept it very short. I told her that if it wasn’t her, I apologize, and that I should probably contact the police and have them look into it since, I don’t know anyone else with a red SUV who’d be at my mom’s home. She responded back, “Good idea.(that I call the police)”, and that was it…..or so I thought. A day or so later I got this lengthy, “how dare you”, ” I would never do that”, “I am insulted”, bullshit, argumentative email. She didn’t get the rise out of me that she was hoping for, the first time, and so she got angry and wrote me an inflammatory, email. I never responded to that last one. There was no need. It was just bait to try to suck me in so she could further antagonize me and argue with me. I refused to give her what she wanted. Don’t take the bait, my friends! 

 
  
Tip #8 STOP FEELING GUILTY! 

Ok so this one isn’t so much a tip for dealing with them, but it’s something to consider….I grew up in an Italian- American family that preached “family first”, “family always sticks together” and “unconditional love”, but I’ve realized in the past year that they don’t practice what they preach. I’ve also learned in the last few years that, that way of thinking is completely unhealthy. If someone is disrespecting you, crossing your boundaries and/or treating you badly, it doesn’t matter who they are, or how you know them, if they’re treating you like shit, they gotta go! You don’t have to take ANYONE’S abuse. You also don’t have to feel guilty for making decisions that are best for your life. 
Going no contact is not easy and especially so when you are doing it with your family. Trust me, I know this. I held onto my family for the past ten years. I felt resentful towards them. I couldn’t understand how they could stand behind someone who perpetrated a crime against another member of the family. I stuck it out and tried to forgive people because I wanted to respect my mother. My aunt Bea saved my mom’s life by donating her kidney to her, and so I felt obligated to be there for her when her son molested my younger cousin. I will always admire what she did for my mom, but I realize now that it didn’t give her a pass to treat me or my mom like shit. I didn’t ask her to do that for my mom. That was her choice in life, not mine. She did that for my mom, not for me. I don’t owe her anything. I am not obligated to do anything for her, and quite frankly, she has some nerve being angry with me about “outing” her son. I didn’t ask him to molest my cousin. She will deny, deny, deny, that she has any resentment towards me but her actions speak louder than her words.

As much as I know it would upset my mom, cutting half of my extend family and my brother, out of my life, I know my mom would want me to do what’s best for me. If she could see all that they’ve been doing for the past four months since she died, I think she’d understand. You cannot feel guilty for cutting toxic people from your life……Period. 
I hope this has helped 

So….how long does she have? 

My mom ended up spending almost an entire month in the hospital. I brought her in on Aug 1st and she was discharged Aug. 28th. It was one of the longest months of my life. I picked her up from the hospital sometime in the afternoon. I knew from this point on I was going to have to be vigilant about helping her with her day to day tasks.
This hospital stay brought with it a lot of bad news. One being that her cancer had spread to her stomach. The other being that her kidney function, of her transplanted kidney was not doing so good and that she would inevitably end up on dialysis in the near future. In fact before she left the hospital the doctors decided it would be best to do a fistula in her arm. A fistula is when they connect a large vein to an artery so a patient can receive dialysis through it. If you’re not familiar with dialysis, it’s a life saving “treatment” for people with chronic kidney failure. Basically you are connected to a machine by two (very large) needles. Your blood exits your body through one needle and gets cycled through a machine (dialysis machine) where it’s filtered, sometimes nutrients are added and then it’s cycled back into your body by the other needle. While it’s a life saving treatment, it’s not a permanent solution. Your quality of life suffers as you must be tethered to this machine for four hours at a time, usually 3 times a week. When my mom did it back in the early 90’s when her kidneys originally failed, she also worked a full time job. It takes a lot out of you. You also must follow a very strict diet. It’s not fun and my mom was dreading it. 
I picked my mom up in the late afternoon that day. Before we went home, she asked if I could stop at the pharmacy to pick up the laundry list of medications she was prescribed. We drove to Kmart where also used to work. I asked if she wanted to wait in the car with my son but she told me no. She wanted to come in and see some of her old co-workers. Oddly enough she kept complaining about this pain in her butt that also went into her leg. I asked her if she had mentioned it to the nurses or doctors before she was discharged and she told me that they said it could be from being in the hospital bed for so long and that it should subside shortly. 
She was leaning on the shopping cart all the way through the store and she kept asking me to stop every so often so she could sit down and rest. Something wasn’t right. It took us over an hour and a half to do a complete circle around the store and it was worrying me. Everyday when I came up to the hospital, I encouraged her to do a few laps around the hallways with me and I didn’t recall her complaining about the pain although thinking back, I do recall her complaining a little about numbness in her butt cheek. We got her prescriptions and headed back to her house where I cleaned out her fridge which still had food in it from before she went into the hospital. She made me a list and I ran to the grocery store to grab some stuff so she’d have things to eat. I also grabbed her a slice of pizza and helped her get settled in for the night. I was really worried now about her being alone. 
Over the next two weeks the pain started to get worse. She did a search and diagnosed herself through doctor google with a bad case of sciatica. It was time to see the oncologist to talk about a treatment for her cancer. She had already seen one oncologist and went for her followup scans and this time we were seeing a different one who was affiliated with the hospital she had just stayed at which was much closer to where we lived. In fact it’s only 4 miles from my house. 
I was the one taking her to all her follow up visits but my brother asked to tag along to see the oncologist. It was the first doctor visit he had attended since he brought her for the second opinion back in the late winter. Since his job was right across the street from the hospital, I drove her there and he met up with us later on. We got into the office and the doctor started explaining how he wanted to try a medication that was fairly new to the market that was made to target her specific type of cancer. My brother started asking a lot of questions. Most of them were good but most them were questions that had he been an active participant in her healthcare, he would’ve already knew the answers to. My mom mentioned the pain in her butt and leg and the doctor prescribed her a fentanyl patch to take along with pain killers she already was on. 
We were wrapping up the appointment and waiting on the nurse to bring in a kit that gave us information about the chemotherapy drugs my mom was going to be taking when the doctor asked if we had anymore questions. My brother who was on his phone for most of the visit blurts out, “so, like how long does she have to live?”. Immediately my mom and I swung our heads around and looked at one another with these shocked looks. I couldn’t believe my brother would ask such a blunt question. I watched my mom’s eyes rapidly fill up with water and before the doctor could answer I screamed out, “Why would you even ask such a thing!?”. There was an awkward silence as in the room as I watched tears roll down my mom’s face. I turned to the doctor and told him, “She clearly doesn’t want to know that…” and I asked him to please not answer the question. My brother tried to back peddle by saying, “well, what’s the prognosis?”. I looked back over at my mom who was still shaking her head in disbelief and trying to choke back her tears. The doctor cut in with a very professional answer. He explained to my brother that he doesn’t like to give his patients expirations dates. That each person’s body is different and that it was all dependent on various factors. I was relieved to hear the doctors explanation but I was so angry with my brother. How could he ask that kind of question right in front of her? 
There was an obvious tension throughout the rest of the doctors visit. My brother kept his mouth shut and his eyes glued to his phone until the nurse came back in with some literature on the medication. My brother asked my mom if he could see it and he scanned it into this document scanner app that he had on his phone. When my mom asked what he was doing he explained to her that he was keeping track of all of her medical documents in his phone. My mom again shot me a puzzled look probably wondering like I was, how he had access to any of her medical documents prior to this visit. I didn’t want to say, but he probably found them while he and his wife were snooping through my mom’s mail and personal paperwork at her house. 
A week or so later we learned that my mom’s insurance had rejected coverage of the medication that she was supposed to get and so the doctor decided to try a different medication. Now it would be another few weeks before my mom received the next medication. In the meanwhile her pain was getting worse. She had started the 12mg fentanyl patch and it didn’t seem to be giving her any relief. I asked a friend of mine who was a nurse and she told me that she needed to give it a few days to work through her system. A few days passed and the patch still wasn’t helping and so I put in a call to the oncologists office and was told by the nurse that my mom had to take the pain pills in conjunction with the patch, which she wasn’t doing. Once she started doing that she got some relief. 
It was now mid September. My mom and all her sisters and brothers had planned a big party for my grandmother who was turning 90. Aunt Bea of course was the one in charge. Earlier in the summer she had sent out “save the date” invites on Facebook. I received that one but I wasn’t on the list for the actual invite, for some reason. She sent it to my husband, but not me. I really didn’t want to go. By this point in time I had not spoken to Aunt Bea, Aunt Debbie, their daughters or anyone else really in my family. I felt really uncomfortable about going but seeing that it was such a monumental birthday, I had to suck it up. 
At this point in time, my mom was getting fed up with her family. My son had started nursery school and I had posted pics of his first day of school, ever, on my Facebook page and not one person from my family (except my mom’s youngest sister) commented or hit the like button. My mom was really hurt by it and so she left a comment saying “I guess no one in my family cares that my grandson started school today.”. 

She asked me if I would be attending my grandmother’s party and I told that I was but I was doing so reluctantly. She told me she didn’t really want to go either but that we had to. I explained to her that I never even got a real invite. As upset with her sisters my mom would become, at times, she never believed that they’d purposely leave me out. I when to show her the invite requests that I had on my phone and I how I only had the one for the original save the date and not the actual party. 
Later that night I got home and suddenly I get this nasty text from my mom saying that she was so ashamed of me and couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to my grandmother’s party! A few minutes I get another nasty text from her youngest sister, my aunt Dana, telling me that she couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to my grandmother’s party and how she told her kids that she would disown them if they didn’t come and all this crazy shit! I had no clue why either of them were saying this and so I finally asked my aunt who informed me that she got a notification on Facebook saying I wasn’t attending the party! Sure enough I figured out that as I was searching my invites, I had accidentally hit the, “not attending” button on the save the date. I told them both to cool their tits and that it was a mistake. I also made a public post to let everyone know it was a mistake, so I could calm down all the gossip that I knew would take place but no one even responded. 
My place as the family “black sheep” had been solidified. I realized in the preceding years that my family was somewhat like a mini-Mafia and Aunt Bea was the boss and Aunt Debbie was the underboss and of you went against them or tried to break up their delusions of a perfect family, you were bound to be come rejected, outcasted and shunned by all. That’s exactly how I felt…..
(To be continued in my next post) 

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. 

I caught my brother and Satan going through my mom’s safe while she was in the hospital and the receipt I found on the floor that had fallen from the pile of papers had confirmed to me 100%! I call that divine intervention right there. What most likely happened was that they were looking at my mom’s will and they brought all the papers into her kitchen and spread them all out onto her counter. When they went to put them away, they probably accidentally grabbed the receipt and stuffed it in there. 
My husband and I left. He got in his car, I got in mine to head up to the hospital. I started to think back to that day when they went to my mom’s house and it hit me. My brother called me earlier on that day. I remember thinking it was extremely weird that he called me. At that point in time it had been months since I had physically spoken on the phone. In fact the last time was my birthday, all the way back in March. We hardly communicated at all but when we did it was always via text. I thought back to the conversation and how strange it was and I remembered that it seemed like there was no real purpose to the call. My brother is not very good at this kind of shit. The whole conversation was basically him trying to find out what I was doing that day, if and when I was going to the hospital, etc. I remembered hanging up with him thinking, “that was fucking weird! “. That’s when the lightbulb went off, “Holy shit.” He called that day to make sure I wasn’t going to be at my mom’s house! I knew something was up that day and there was more to that call.
The more I thought about everything the more angry I became. This was NOT my brother. It was not him going through my mom’s mail. It was not him going through her financial statements. It was not him looking for her will in the safe. I just could not see my brother masterminding any of this shit. While my brother is very intelligent, he is just not that guy who’s going to step up to the plate and take charge. He never was like that. He was always very unsure of himself. He couldn’t even walk into a family function by himself. He would always call me and see if I was coming and sometimes he’d even wait outside for me. When my cousin’s father in law died, I made plans to drive to his wake and my brother had to call me up and ask if I was going before he made a decision. There is just no way in hell I would ever believe he came up with this idea of calling me up to make sure I’m not in the area, going to my mom’s house, opening all of her mail, under the guise of helping her do bills and stuff and especially the laundry part. I mean he has NEVER done anything even close to that before. It’s just not him. My mom practically had to beg for him to help her with things. There’s no way. 
I had to decide whether or not I would tell my mom. I really didn’t want to upset her or hurt her. As much as I knew talks about her wishes would have to happen one day, I was very uncomfortable bringing this stuff up with her. I didn’t want to scare or upset her. She was already terrified. Satan was counting my mom’s money. That’s what she was doing. She wanted to see how hard she had to work on her investment. 
Ultimately I decided my mom needed to know. I got to the hospital that day and made sure she was ok before I settled in and started to talk about it. I believe she brought them up. I asked her what their reasoning was for going to her house that day and she said she really didn’t know but they said it was to do laundry and bring her clean pajamas. I pointed out her that they had only washed three pairs of pajamas and ended up buying her new ones anyway. So why did they bother washing the old ones if they were just going to buy new ones? I asked her if she knew what else they did while they were there and she said she didn’t know and so finally I told her. She was angry and ready to call them up and confront them. I told her to wait. I also told her that they had opened all her mail and went through her papers. She was pissed. She told me to hide the combination to the safe next time I went there. She too knew it wasn’t my brother. It’s just not stuff he would do and knowing that, it made her even more upset. I told her not to say anything and to play it cool until we saw they did something else or if they mentioned to her that they went through her safe 
The next day she told me she talked to them and there was no mention of them going in the safe but my brothers wife told her she went through all the mail and through out the things that she thought was unimportant. I would never. I have known my inlaws for a decade and I would never feel comfortable enough to go into their home while they weren’t there and start opening up mail. I didn’t even feel comfortable opening my own mother’s mail. Satan had a story to explain everything. The baby moved the basket near the safe. The baby ate the food. The baby did it all! She covered all grounds but none of it was making sense. It was still very weird that they hadn’t helped much with ANYTHING and now the one thing they do want to help with is my mom’s finances??? Something was up and from that point on I knew I needed to keep a close eye on them and what they were doing.
Satan’s life revolves around money. It’s all she talks about. Once she realized that she’d be inheriting almost a half a million dollars, my mom became and investment to her. For three years she completely disregarded my mom and her feelings. She had no relationship with her but once she went through her bills and financial statements and had an idea of where my mom stood financially, she befriended my mom. My mom was now an investment to her and the ass kissing started real hard at that point on. 

(To be continued in my next post)

Safe keepings 

My brother and Satan were putting in more effort during this hospital stay. They came to visit more often. Sure one can say they realized my mom had cancer and they saw that they were wrong for treating her like a piece of dog shit for the past three years and they may be right, but I have to question why someone who previously had absolutely no empathy for my mom, suddenly started to treat her like a real human being. Not only did she start acting as if she cared for my mom but at some point she actually took over all communication with my mom, for my brother. If they were coming to the hospital, Satan would be the one to call my mom and make the arrangements. No matter what it was, she would be the one who communicated. 
It was about 3 weeks into my mom’s hospital stay when my girlfriend, well my best friend, Toni came to town. She had moved out of state right after high school and never came back. We still remain friends. Anyway, I hadn’t seen her in a while and so we made plans to meet up in the city. I felt really weird leaving my mom for the day knowing I wouldn’t see her until the next day but she assured me it was ok. I had asked her if I could borrow a small purse from her because I didn’t want to lug around my big purse in the city all day. She told me to go to her house and look in either her closet or my old closet and there would be one. 
I took a ride to her house, about 11:30pm the night before my city trip. I dropped off a bag of dirty pajamas on the counter that I had brought home from the hospital because my mom thought she was being discharged the next day. I went in her room but couldn’t find the bag I was looking for and so I decided to search the closet in my old bedroom. Since I moved out about ten years ago, my room has become a junk room where my mom throughs things she has no room for elsewhere. It was also the toy room. My mom had tons of toys in there for my son to play with. As soon as I walked in the room I know something was off. The toys were all kept in one corner my mom kept them in two wicker barrels and whatever toys didn’t fit in those, she piled in front of them. The one wicker barrel was moved to the complete opposite side of the room. It was weird because I was at her house the day prior, my son was in that room and played with some of the toys but I cleaned it all up before we left and I specifically remembered putting that barrel back in its place but I started to second guess myself because it’s possible I forgot. Regardless I picked it up and put it back in it’s place. 
Two days later my mom calls me and tells me that Satan called her and asked her if she needed anything from her house. My mom told her no and that I was going there at some point in the next 24 hours. My mom told me that she seemed really eager to go to her house and of course it raised an eyebrow for me too. My brother and her never really went to my mom’s house when she wasn’t home, before. My brother may have been there to do something one other time earlier that summer. In fact, for almost a year straight my brother didn’t even have a key to her house. My mom broke her key off in the lock and had to replace the lock the previous summer. She had just given it back him. 
I asked my mom why they wanted to go there and she said she really didn’t know. They said they were going to do some laundry for her but she didn’t really have anything that needed cleaning that bad. As we are talking about it, my brother and Satan come strolling into my mom’s hospital room. Satan is carrying a plastic Target bag. She drops it on the foot of the bed and pulls out a brand new pair of pajamas. She goes on to explain that she and my brother went did her laundry but they only stuck around long enough to to switch the clothes over to the dryer. She then tells my mom that my brother had to get a hair cut and her the baby were stuck waiting in the car for an hour. After that they went to target and got her a new pair of pajamas. 
As I’m sitting there looking down at my phone and trying my hardest not to get caught rolling my eyes, I get a text from the neighbor who was looking after my mom’s dog’s. She tells me that someone had opened all of my mom’s mail and threw some of it away. Immediately my heart starts pumping and I start getting that weird feeling in my gut. I wait a few minutes and then tell my mom I have to leave. I say goodbye and I race right over to my mom’s house to see what they were doing. I just had a very weird feeling.
I get to the house and notice this neat stack of folded up papers sitting on the table where a large pile of mail, flyers and newspapers once sat. My mom was in the hospital for 3 weeks at that point and had accumulated quite a decent amount of mail. The pile was way too neat. The edges of each sheet of paper was perfectly aligned. I know it wasn’t my brother who left it that way, it was Satan. Something just didn’t sit right with me about her going through my mom’s mail. I don’t even touch my mom’s mail. That is her business, not mine. 
My mom sued her doctor for malpractice when her kidneys failed back in the early 90’s. The doctor completely glossed over a simple blood result that could’ve got her diagnosed sooner and possibly saved her kidneys. In stead he had her running around from doctor to doctor, and convincing her that the symptoms she was experiencing were a result of aging. She did that for an entire year. They settled out of court for half a million dollars. My mom and dad obviously spent some of it on things we needed but she put the bulk of it in mutual funds and annuities. She got quarterly statements mailed to her house and she opens them and put them in a pile on her stove along with other documents. That pile also had been gone through and was neatened up. 
The bags I brought home from the hospital were also ransacked. I had put some of the snacks that people got my mom inside and some of the snacks were opened and eaten. I went downstairs to check the laundry. There were exactly THREE pairs of pajamas in there. It made no sense. I then went upstairs and called my husband who happened to be in his way home from work. He comes by my mom’s house and as I’m showing him all the stuff that was moved, we are scratching our heads trying to figure out why they’d be going through her mail and stuff. It was then that I told my husband about the wicker basket being moved across the room that day, and how I thought I was losing my mind because I really thought I put it back. We walk into my old bedroom so I can show him where it was and low and behold it was moved across the room again.
That wicker basket was sitting right in front of my mom’s safe. I turned to my husband and said, “can it be? Were they in her safe?”. I went into the office and got the combination. We all knew where the combo was kept as we all had things in that safe when we lived at home. Things like jewelry and important documents were stored in there. I did the combination and opened the safe and right away I could tell it was a complete mess! My mom kept it relatively neat throughout the years and it looked like someone had taken everything out and carelessly shoved it back in. I started removing items to see if anything was noticeably missing. I didn’t see anything and so I started looking through the documents and there it was, my mom and my dad’s wills. 
I opened them up and looked at them. They stated that should my dad survive my mom he wound be the beneficiary. Should they both be deceased it named my two aunts, Aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie as executors. I was shocked to see their names there. For the past three years my mom kept telling me it was my brother as the executor and she wanted to put me on it as the executor. It wasn’t anything real personal against my brother it’s just that she knew who wore the pants over there and it wasn’t my brother and my mom did NOT want his wife having any say in her affairs. 
I didn’t want to look at it anymore. My husband and I both concluded that that was most likely why they were in her safe to begin with. I folded all the papers back up and put them back in the ziplock bags my mom had stored them in. I put everything back in when suddenly I realized I forgot a piece of paper. I picked up the small piece of paper and started to read it. It was a receipt for a frigidaire a/c unit. For a second I felt a bit out of sorts. I thought maybe this was the receipt for the old A/C that had just crapped out on her. Then I looked at the date and sure enough it was dated from the beginning of August. It was the receipt that I had left on my mom’s kitchen counter in the weeks prior. There’s only one way that receipt could’ve gotten in there… 
(To be continued in my next post) 

That one phone call…

(Please see my previous posts so the story will make sense)

My mom ended up in the hospital again in early march and I was feeling very overwhelmed. I know my family was trying to help us out with all this “second opinion” stuff but it was getting to be too much. My brother seemed to suddenly jump into action and start setting up the appointment for the second opinion at Sloan Kettering about my mom’s cancer. My mom didn’t want to go because she didn’t feel well enough to go and I could tell but she was feeling pressured. 

I know I’m going to sound like some paranoid crazy freak here but I found my brother and Satan’s sudden interest in my mom’s health kind of strange. I mean they literally went from doing nothing to planning her trip to Sloan kettering. I was a little annoyed because my brother wasn’t communicating with me about it at all. I was also annoyed at the way my aunt Bea had gone about informing my brother and the fact that phone call she had with Satan really bothered me too. It was just arranged how they went from completely unconcerned to very concerned over night. We had known she was sick and struggling for months now with this cancer and it wasn’t until that phone call with my aunt that they finally started to show concern for my mom. 
I wasn’t alone. My husband also found it strange and so one day in conversation, me and my husband realized that we had both been thinking the same exact thing. As I said many times here on this blog, my mom was very depressed and angry over the fact that me and my brother were estranged. She went from not being crazy about Satan, to loathing her as if she were some type of pariah. It had to be a year or so before she even got sick, me and my mom were talking about her cousin Kara that lived in Florida. My mom was her god mother and even though there was so many miles between them, my mom and her remained close. Kara’s father had passed away when she was around 25. Her mother started going to parents without partners meetings and eventually she met this guy named Bob. Bob happened to be loaded! He was a real estate investor and had made himself quite a bit of money. He had different houses up and down the east coast and her mother and him were constantly traveling. Bob and her got married but eventually he passed away. He had kids but they didn’t speak to him and so he decided to leave his small fortune to Kara’s mom. Well it was probably the same year that my brother and Satan met, Kara’s mom also sadly passed away. She was down in Florida with Kara when she passed. Kara also had a sister named Lola who still lived here. When someone passes and has a will they most notify all next of kin that the will has been submitted to probate. Lola received her notification and to her surprise she had been completely cut out of the will which meant that Kara . No one knows for sure why their mom would’ve cut Lola from the will but I’m sure she had good reasons. 
Anyway during my conversation with my mom my mom comes out and says, “I’m telling you, at first I didn’t understand how my aunt could’ve done that to her daughter but she was at the point that she was seriously considering taking your brother off of my will too because I don’t want his wife having any of my money.”. I told my mom she was crazy, a) for even worrying about her will but B) because of she did that she’d be guaranteeing that my brother and I never speak again. I told her if she did that I would give him half anyway because I am not going to want to have any problems with him. I watch enough Dateline and 48 hours to know what money and greed drives people to do. My mom then told me that at the very least, she wanted to put me as executor of her will because she didn’t trust Satan and didn’t want her in her affairs. My mom would go on to tell this to just about everyone she talked to in the next few years. 
So going back to the conversation that my husband and I had about Satan, her phone call with my aunt Bea and my brother’s and her sudden interest in her healthcare, we speculated that my aunt Bea had warned my brother that my mom was thinking of disinheriting him and that he should step it up and start taking a more active roll in her healthcare to ensure that didn’t happen. We could’ve been totally wrong about it but given the circumstances over the past two and a half years, it was just very odd. Up until that point they hardly even asked how she was. My mom would go weeks at a time not hearing from my brother. They would come for the rare obligatory visits in the hospital by beyond that, they offered no help whatsoever. Everything fell on me. 
I wrote to my Aunt Sue and sort of vented about Aunt Bea to her. This wasn’t the first time she had done some weird and kind of shady shit behind my back. My aunt Sue who’s one of the few women in my family who’s opinion I truly respect wrote back to me and sort of made it seem like a was crazy for thinking my Aunt Bea was conspiring against me. She was trying to give me advice but at the time my head was too fucked up to handle it because I had so much of it coming my way that I took at as she was saying that I wasn’t doing what I should’ve been doing for my mom and that I wasn’t understanding how serious her illness was. I got angry and kind of snapped back at her because I felt like all I was doing was trying to help her and take care of her. I took my anger out on her and it wasn’t right. She was the only one truly trying to help me. 
At this point in time, I was starting to feel like I was living in some twilight zone. I was doing everything in my power to help my mom and yet my family was talking to me as if I wasn’t doing enough or it was my fault she was getting worse. I felt like every time I vented about my brother not helping or being there, l was told that I was focusing on the wrong things and that I needed to focus on my mom. Meanwhile I was focused on my mom but I was also getting extremely stressed being the only one who was really there and physically helping. It took me a long time to see this but I realized that I had every right to worry about, be upset about or be hurt about what was going on. My family was trying to control my feelings and tell me I was crazy for feeling the way I did and I was just sick of it. It was my life and I had to live it and I had no choice but to deal with the things that god gave me. 

Time for a second opinion. 

My mom was released from the hospital and I brought her home and helped her get set up. She could hardly walk and even though she had a state of the art, adjustable bed at home complete with massaging features, a remote control and led lights to light so you can find your slippers in the middle of the night, she was having a lot of trouble getting into and out of her bed. For the first few weeks I was there everyday helping her out. I had to help her make food, do laundry, run errands and shower. She couldn’t bend down which meant she couldn’t wash the lower half of her body and so I had to do that for her. I was angry that they even allowed her to go home alone in the condition she was in. Perhaps a rehab center would’ve been a better choice but o did not know about those until much later on. The social worker on her floor was a total, useless Bitch. 
My brother didn’t come by at all or offer to help with anything and either did my aunts. About a month after the surgery my mom had to see an oncologist. I wanted to go with her to the appointment but Aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie already volunteered. They hadn’t done anything else up until that point to help and so I guess it was the least they could’ve done. I asked my mom if she still wanted me to come and she was really giving me the hint that she didn’t want me there. She kept insisting that my aunts were bringing her and that I should just stay home with my son. Looking back I think my mom didn’t want me to know exactly what was going on because she didn’t want to face what was going on. She knew if I was made aware I’d be on her about it and constantly nagging her to make sure she was following through with everything she needed to do. To this day I regret that I didn’t go to that one appointment with her. I went to almost every other appointment she had and I miss one of the most important ones? So stupid. 
Anyway, my mom calls me later that night and tells me that, that morning she woke up to a feeling of wetness in her bed. She lifts the blankets to see that her sheet is completely saturated with blood. It ends up she popped open the top inch of the large incision on her lower belly. She sat in blood soaked clothing until my aunts got there and helped her clean up. They put bandages on the wound to stop the bleeding, on the advice of her doctor. I was so mad that she didn’t tell me when it happened. I would’ve come by and helped her. My mom was very independent and especially so since my dad died. She didn’t like to burden people or seem needy always asking for help. I had to remind her all of the time that I didn’t care what time it was or what I was doing, that she could call me anytime if she needed anything. She always said she didn’t want to bother me. 
The doctor looked at he wound when she got there and he told her it looked ok and just to keep on top of it. Since my mom couldn’t even see the wound, I was the one who had to all the dirty work. I had to go there everyday to clean it out and change the bandage. Typically I am not the type of person who could deal with that kind of stuff but I had no choice. No one else was going to do it. It was disgusting to look at. I could see about a half inch of flesh. I could throw up just thinking about it but it had healed nicely. 
The oncologist didn’t have the best of news. He had gotten back the pathology report and it was determined that my mom had a rare and aggressive form of kidney cancer called papillary type two. That was really scary news. The cancer had also spread to some of the lymph nodes and so doctor who did the surgery removed whatever he could along with then adrenal gland that sat atop her kidney. I knew that once cancer had spread from the spot it had originated from, it wasn’t a good thing. I watched my dad die from cancer and I knew all too well what cancer could do to a person yet I tried to remain helpful. 

A few days prior to my mom’s appointment with the oncologist, my aunt Sue who was married to my mom’s oldest brother reached out to me one day. We had a nice discussion about my mom, her diagnosis, her reluctance to follow up on things, and most importantly her denial and depression and what role it played in her caring for herself. My aunt had done some research and had posed an idea to me. She was not happy that the doctors were waiting three months to do follow up scans. She suggested my mom get a second opinion from one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, Sloan Kettering. I thought it was a great idea and I was so appreciative that she took the time out to do that research. She had reached out to doctors and got names and numbers. She explained that she wasn’t pressuring me and that she was just telling me that when my mom was ready and up to it, she should seriously consider going. 
I agreed but being that I was the one helping to care for her on a day to day basis; I didn’t not think she was ready for a long car ride to the city. She couldn’t even take the ride to the doctors office or to the lab. 
I mentioned it to my mom one day. She sounded interested and thought it was a good idea but told me she wasn’t quite ready to go. She wanted a break from all of this. I didn’t pressure her. I figured I’d wait a week or two and mention it again. I was more focused on her trying to heal from the surgery. She had been through a lot in the past few months. The one day my mother calls me to tell me that my brother and Satan had stopped by. While they were there Satan hands my mom a piece of paper and tells her that she’s been doing research and she had gotten in touch with these doctors at Sloan Kettering and she thinks it’s a great idea that my mom gets a second opinion. My mom actually thought Satan was trying to help but I explained to my mom that Satan actually wasn’t the one who did all the work, that aunt Sue did. 
My mom was disappointed but not too surprised. This is what Satan and her other, personality disordered counterparts do. They love taking credit for other people’s work and ideas. So long as it puts them in the spotlight it’s ok. I wondered how Satan even heard about this whole second opinion thing. We had a connection at Sloan Kettering in our family. My mom’s cousin’s daughter worked there. Aunt Bea decided to get in touch with her to get more info about how to get an appointment there. My aunt forwarded the email to me, Aunt Sue and Aunt Debbie. I wrote to Aunt Sue and asked her if she told my brother and she told me that she didn’t but my Aunt Bea forwarded him the email. When I looked at who was Cc’d on the email, his name wasn’t there and so that mean he got his own special email from Aunt Bea, about it. 
I was annoyed. My aunt Bea had no place stepping in and informing him and if she really felt the need to, who wasn’t he CC’d on the same email as us? At the end of the day, it wasn’t her place to inform my brother. I didn’t inform him about it because I didn’t think my mom was ready to go just yet and I figured when she was, she would tell him when she was. Everyone thought it was crazy that my mom was told to go for a follow up scan three months from her first one. What they didn’t understand is that, waiting is standard procedure. There is a logical reason for it. They need to have something to compare their scans too. I assume that even the most aggressive forms of cancer don’t grow a substantial enough amount in 3 months time. 
I was on the phone with Aunt Debbie one day talking about all this nonsense and I was telling her what Aunt Bea did and she agreed it was weird. As we were talking she mentioned that my Aunt Bea and Satan had a whole phone call about my mom. I’m sorry but I just found it weird. She knew how uncomfortable my mom was with her being that cozy with Satan. Again, it made her feel like Aunt Bea was saying well I know my sister is an asshole to you but I’ll be your friend. It was just wrong. My mom didn’t have phone conversations with her daughter’s or son’s significant others. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall during that conversation though because after that day, something changed with my brother and Satan….

(To be continued)

Just get her some cold cuts…

(Please see my previous posts so the story makes more sense) 
We are finally catching up to more current times. This part of the story is going to be very hard for me to talk about but I think it’s important to tell it. The ultimate goal here is to help not only myself, but other people who may be going through the same thing or something similar. If you have been reading my story so far, thank you. I need to get this all out. Please feel free to comment and ask questions. I am more than happy to help. 
My mom was released from the hospital after about a week or so being in there. She had to reschedule her surgery and it was set for February 10th, 2016. Before they could do the surgery they needed to put in a IVC filter which would prevent any other blood clots from breaking off and going into her heart or lungs again. We were all really nervous but I don’t think anyone wanted to say it. By this point in time we knew my mom had a cancerous mass on her kidney we just didn’t know what kind of cancer it was and how bad it had spread if at all. The doctor did say that a few of the surrounding lymph nodes may be infected but we would know more after the surgery when we’d get back the pathology report. 
My mom really seemed completely fine up until Christmas Day. The only complaints I remember her having previous to that day was that she was tired sometimes and that she felt the discomfort under her sternum. Beyond that I don’t remember her saying much. It seemed like as soon as we found out about the mass she started to not feel well. I sometimes wonder if our minds make us more sick. It seems once we find out these things we start to realize our pain more. I don’t know. 
It was a few days before her surgery. She had the IVC filter put in about two weeks prior to the surgery. I was on FaceTime talking to her and she was laying it bed. It was early, around 8:30-9:00pm. She was complaining about a pain in her back and it seemed she couldn’t get comfortable. I was really concerned about her. I had heard some scary stories about IVC filters. In fact these lawyers even had a commercial looking for people who suffered complications from these filters such as them poking through your arteries and/Or puncturing other organs like your lungs. I began fearing that my mom was experiencing this pain because of that. I told her that I thought it would be a good idea to take her to the emergency room. She didn’t want to go because she didn’t want her surgery being postponed again. Last time I took her to a local hospital which was about 4 miles away from my home but this time I told her I’d bring her to the hospital that she was having the surgery done in, which was about 30 miles away. She told me she didn’t want to go and that she couldn’t even talk anymore. She just wanted to lie down and try to get to sleep and so we ended our FaceTime call. 
I took a screen shot of her lying in her bed and sent it to my aunt Debbie. At the time my aunt Debbie was the only other person who seemed to be as concerned as I was. She took my mom to a few of her doctors appointments early on. I don’t know why but that night I decided to reach out to my brother and let him know what was going on so I sent him a text. I told him that I was worried about our mom and that she was in really bad pain. Instead of replying to me, he decides to call my mother. A few minutes after hanging up with my mom I see she’s calling me back. I answered it in hopes that we she changed her mind and wanted to go to the ER. That wasn’t what she wanted. Instead, she was screaming at me for calling my brother and she told me that if I called any doctors or somehow fucked up her surgery, that’s she would kill me! I thought her reaction was a little over the top but I got it. She was going through a lot both mentally and physically. I think it’s understandable. I know if she was in her rational state of mind she would’ve have cared. I apologized and told her I was just trying to help because I’m worried about her. She understood and told me that she again, just wanted to get some sleep. 
I called my Aunt Debbie up and explained to her what happened. I was so mad at my brother, that he couldn’t just reply to my text and instead called my mom and got her upset. There was a reason I was reaching out to him, he’s my brother and we should both know what’s going on with my mom. When someone in your family is sick like this, you put all the other bullshit aside and be there for the person who’s suffering. My brother didn’t seem to share in those beliefs. My aunt Debbie was angry about it too. There was no reason to get my mom all upset when he could’ve just answered me. I was the one telling him stuff, not my mom. My aunt Debbie called him to try to talk some sense into, him but she ended up calling me up a few minutes later and she was really upset. It turns out my brother, like he always had been doing since Satan came around, started getting defensive and was screaming at my aunt. My aunt said she’s never felt so disrespected by anyone in her own family. She was shocked by the way my brother spoke to her. She now experienced first hand what me and my mom were dealing with whenever we tried to talk to him. She was appalled at his behavior and so from that point on we decided it was best if we don’t volunteer information to him. 
My mom’s surgery was scheduled for around 5:30-6:00am, two days later. My husband took off work to watch my son and I slept over her house so we could wake up and go. The pain in her back had subsided and so we hung out and watched tv. My mom went to bed early but I couldn’t really sleep. By time I finally closed my eyes it was time to wake up and get ready. I believe I may have gotten just about two hours in. We arrived at the hospital around 5am. My aunts Bea and Debbie met is around 5:30. It felt like the longest day of my life. The surgery ended up taking much longer than they expected because they had to make a bigger incision in order to get the mass out. They cut my mom 8 or so inches down from her belly button almost to the top of her pubic bone. robotic arms did all the work and so in total, she had three incisions. Two small ones for the robotic arms and one large one to get the kidney out of. 
Layer on in the day my mom’s youngest sister and her husband came down to be there for support. I did not here a peep from my brother all day. Finally around 4:00 the doctor called us in and told is my mom was in the recovery room. We all went in to see her. She was really out of it from all the anesthesia. My aunts and uncle hung around for a few minutes more and they all went home. I wanted to leave too but I just couldn’t leave her all alone. I finally get a text from my brother. Instead of asking how my mom is, he asked if she had gotten admitted into a room because him and Satan wanted to send some flowers. Smoke was coming out of my ears. Flowers were so unimportant. How about coming to the hospital so I can go home and relax after a really long day? How about showing your face so your mother can think you give a shit about her? That was all Satan. Any chance e to butter someone up, she will take it. My brother informed me that he would be coming but it wouldn’t be until much later. I stayed with my mom until they got her up in a room. My brother asked me for the room number when he got there. I gave it to him and got my stuff and left. 
I believe my mom was in the hospital for around ten days. After the surgery they had to get her back on the blood thinners and it takes some times for the levels to balance out in your body. Of those ten days my brother came twice to see her, both for less than an hour a piece. I went there every night except for two. My husband would get home from work and I’d leave and make the 40 minute drive from my house and I’d stay with her until she went to sleep at night. 
She had a pretty serious surgery and when the doctors said they were ready to discharge her, I was worried. Throughout the surgery and all I had made a group text message and included in all my family. In that message I voiced my concern about my mom being discharged in that message. I didn’t go up to the hospital the second to last night but my Aunt Debbie and her daughter did. My aunt Debbie argued with me that the doctors wouldn’t release her if they didn’t think she was ready. She insisted that my mom was doing great on the second to last night. I was there the night prior and from what I can see, she didn’t seem to be in any type of condition to be released. I wondered how she would make herself food, eat, shower, do laundry, or even get into and out of bed. I remembered having trouble after having my c-section but I had my husband here to help me. My mom was completely alone. Of course I planned on helping her as much as I possibly could but I had to also be realistic and I couldn’t be there all of the time. I voiced this in the message to my family and told them I wanted to speak to the social worker about possibly getting an nurse or something to help her. I had a feeling my on had lied to the doctors and told them she had round the clock help at home. She just wanted to get out of hospital and so she said whatever she could to make that happen. My aunt Debbie continued to antagonize me about it and I’m or even sure why. 
I didn’t notice this until much later when my mom’s cousin pointed it out but when I was voicing my concerns she said she was appalled at the replies I got from my mom’s two closest sisters. Instead of offering to help me, they suggested I go pick up easy to make meals and pick up things like cold cuts. She said, “here it is your mom comes from this big, close-knot Italian family with a bunch of women who cook really well and they tell you to get cold cuts?”, she pointed out that they could’ve offered to cook something or bring by some leftovers. My family purports this image of closeness and always being there for one another but the truth is, they aren’t really there and in the next few months I’d learn what a facade that image was…..
To be continued in my next post. 

Taking a stand…

(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense)
My mom got her closure. You may think it was wrong that my mom recorded Satan and let me listen to it and under normal circumstances I’d agree. As I said in my previous post, I don’t think she had ill intent. I think my mom believed she was actually going to get through to Satan and she knew that if she did, she would need proof to show me. It’s kind of how I sent the gift to the shower to prove that it wasn’t me. It was them who just couldn’t let go. 
For me, the recording confirmed everything I believed about Satan. I admit I listened to it several times and analyzed it quite thoroughly. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry about what she had to say about me. Even though I know it was all lies, it bothered me that she was trying to convince my mom that I was keeping things from her or not telling her the whole story. What bothered me most was that she told my mom I had threatened to do something to disrupt their wedding. I mean that was a flat out lie. I know my mom knew that wasn’t the truth. She read every email, text, etc that I had sent my brother during that time. That’s the kind of relationship we had. Even more than that though, the thing that made me really angry was the way she talked to my mom. I could NEVER talk to my mother in law in that way. I mean it wasn’t just what she was saying to her but the tone in which she said it. 
Once thing I could never figure out during this whole thing is that her and my mom had gotten into several battles over the course of that year and a half. I, on the other hand had only gotten into it with her the one time she came to my house and a short text exchange after she had a fight with my cousin, his girlfriend and subsequently my mom. Other than that any words I said were always to my brother, yet she seemed to have some willingness to allow my brother to have a relationship with my mom. I didn’t understand what it was about me that she was so adamantly against. I mean they got into a battle after the wedding and my mom straight up told her that she ruined our family and even after that, she still allowed that relationship. She still had restrictions on my mom and brother but she allowed it. I always wondered why that was? Did even she know that mother’s are sacred? I never understood it, but then one day it dawned on me. My mother has more to offer than I do. Really what could she get from me? I also think she thought my mother was a bit more pliable and forgiving than I was. At the same time, she knew she had to give a little in order to keep my brother compliant.  
My mom had reached the end of her rope. She now got the answers she needed but she wasn’t ready to give up the fight just yet. My brother and Satan planned to christen the baby. My mom was so fed up at this point in time and I think she was starting to lose it a little bit and so she decided that she wasn’t going to attend the christening. My brother and Satan choose the god parents. The god father was my brothers friend who was also the best man in his wedding and the god mother…..well it wasn’t going to be me. They chose Satan’s other daughter to be the god mother. Of course I wasn’t going to be part of my niece’s christening. My mom was really disgusted at this point and felt that since my brother and Satan had no regard for her feelings, she had none for theirs. 
Following the fight with Satan, my brother had threatened my mom that if she didn’t “get on board” with his wife, she wasn’t going to see her granddaughter. My mom was fed up and I guess desperate times called for desperate measures. She wanted to teach them a lesson. She didn’t want to jump aboard the Satan train. I appreciated taking a stand but I told her to not do it on a count of me. At this point I was totally fine with not being invited to the christening. She told me she wasn’t doing it for me, she was doing it for herself but still I didn’t think it was a very good idea. I didn’t think my mom would actually go through with her plan. I was trying really hard to talk sense into her. I told her she’s letting Satan win by not going to the christening and so eventually she changed her plan. 
The day of the christening came and I was still trying to convince my mom to just go to the christening. It wasn’t going to accomplish anything. All it was going to do is make things worse. My mom knew Satan had something seriously wrong with her on a clinical level but I don’t think she fully understood what type of person we were dealing with her. She doesn’t play by the rules. In fact she doesn’t play by any rules. She’s the game master. She makes the rules and can change them at anytime, without prior notice. My mom got dressed and went to the church. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from her for the rest of the day. I thought that once her family got to her, she’d change her mind and just go to the party afterwards. That didn’t happen. About an hour later I see her car pulling up in my driveway. She actually did it! I was shocked. 
The next day she was told by my aunts that my brother was very hurt. She tried to justify her actions by saying, “good, now he knows how I feel and my daughter feels.” Still they didn’t think it was right. My brother called her and asked why she did what she did and of course that turned into a huge argument and he ended up hanging up on him. She called me up crying. I knew that was going to happen. She was so upset and so I calmed her down and told her that she owed my brother a sincere and heartfelt apology. It wasn’t right for her to use the baby’s day to make a statement. She called my brother and apologized. 
At this point in time I decided that enough was enough already. I hade made several attempts to fix things and my mom made even more. If what we were doing was going to work, it would’ve worked by now. We were only a few months shy of two years. I wanted to fix the situation so bad and the only reason I did so was because I just couldn’t take seeing what this was doing to her. It had changed her. It made her angry and bitter. She became deeply depressed. Every holiday, birthday and special occasion she was sad and felt like she couldn’t celebrate. The only thing that seemed to bring her any type of joy was my son. I wished so badly that I could take her pain but I couldn’t. I cannot force my brother to want a relationship with me and since I couldn’t do that, the only other way to help her move forward was by putting the blame on myself. 
I had a long talk with my mom one day. I explained to her that so much has happened over the span of the last year and a half and that so many lines were crossed and bridges burned that I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to fix things anymore. I told her she needed to respect my decision as I am now a grown woman and can make my own choices in life. I also pointed out to her that she at least had her foot in the door and that since they were willing to have some form of a relationship with them, she needed to work on fixing that. I told her I’d try my hardest not to get upset when she talked to them or told me stuff about the baby. 
I admit it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that she was always so willing to forgive my brother. That’s the dynamic of their relationship ever since we were kids. My mom always gave in to him. My brother was a huge tantrum thrower. If he didn’t get his way he’d, whine, cry, scream and kick until he got it. He did it as a toddler and all through out his teen years. I remember my dad saying to me, shortly before he died that my mom screwed my brother up as a kid because she spoiled him and always gave in. My dad always viewed my brother as a whiney little pussy and I used to get mad at him but I finally understood what he was talking about. He was right. My mom always let my brother walk all over her and here at 36 years old, he was still trying to do it. 
Th next few months of our lives were relatively quiet after that when it came to them and I was perfectly fine with things but we were about to get the shock of a lifetime…..
(To be continued in my next post)

Closure

(Please see my previous blogs so the story makes sense!) 
This post is going to be a long one. I want to illustrate what it’s like to argue with a narcissist. They have a special way of arguing. One that almost makes no sense and it’s important to understand the tactics they use so that you know not to get sucked into their traps. 

The baby had been born and my mom finally got to meet her. She was happy yet sad at the same time. She knew how hurtful it was for me not to get to meet my new niece. My whole family was trying to remain positive that this baby would somehow magically fix things and would evoke some human emotion into Satan, but it didn’t happen. My mom is a fixer by nature. I take after her to some degree. I can’t fault her for it. I think after the baby was born and a few months went by, my mom realized she wasn’t going to be able to fix it. I think she finally realized she had to accept things the way they were and move on but in order to do so, she needed closure. 

My mom and I had gotten into it one day. I admit it was my own fault. I didn’t want to hear about my brother’s kid. My mom saw the baby one or two times in the first few months of her life. She called me up after her second visit with the baby and caught me at a bad time. She started going on and on, gushing about the baby and how cute it was. I felt bad but I kind of had to tell her to stop. She didn’t understand, it was very upsetting for me. That was my brother’s first kid. It was my first real niece. I have two other nieces from my half sisters but this was my own brother who shared both the same parents as me. I never lived with my sisters and they are much older than me. It hurt me to know that I was never going to see or hold her as a baby. I would never have a bond with her. I was pretty hurt by the lack of response to the gift I got the baby. Hearing about the baby also reminded me how my brother hadn’t seen my son, except for at that one family party, in over a year. In retrospect, I should’ve sucked it up and listened to her. It was unfair of me to get angry at her. She did nothing wrong. 
We didn’t speak for a day (which was very unusual for us given the fact we’d speak at least once a day) and when that happened one of us would usually give in and call the other. This time it was her. I answered the phone and she tells me, “you’re never going to believe what just happened…..”. I asked her what had happened and she responds by telling me she is so pissed off. She goes on to tell me that she just cannot take having the division in our family anymore and so she decided to take action. For the past year and a half she and my brother got into many verbal battles about it, we both did, but she had finally realized that my brother no longer had control over his own life. Even if there was a willingness on his end, it wasn’t going to happen. We both know my brother and what type of person he is, and the person he had been for the last year and a half is NOT him! My brother isn’t a grudge holder. He knows how to resolve issues. In my household growing up when someone had issues we sat down and discussed them, that’s how we moved past things. Every time we tried to discuss this with my brother, he would get very defensive, right off the bat. We were raised to love family unconditionally and to forgive. I have to add here also that my brother didn’t seem to understand that it was HIS job to bridge the gap between us and his wife. Whenever we’d try to fix things he’d point us to his wife and say if we had a problem with her to deal with her directly. He didn’t get that we didn’t invite this person onto our lives. He brought her in. It’s his job to make the connection between her and his family. It’s his job to bring her around and allow time for bonds to be built. He knew how to do it with past girlfriends, so why all of the sudden did he have amnesia? 
With that said, my mom knew talking to him was futile. It was a complete waste of time and so this time she went straight to the source, Satan herself. I have to say I was shocked. That took some balls. After hearing that first fight that my mom had recorded, plus the argument I had with her on my porch, I knew that me talking to her directly was not a good idea. I have no patience for someone like her who talks over you and doesn’t listen to a word you say. Speaking of recordings, my mom recorded this phone call as well. ( I have to note here that I don’t think my mom was recording her with any malicious intent. I think my mom was hoping maybe her family was right, and that after the baby was born, she would be more open to fixing things. One would think you’d have to be a pretty cruel person to keep your husband from sharing his first and only child with his family). 
My mom wasted no time and she played the recording for me. It starts off nicely. Satan answers and she is saying goodbye to my brother who is supposedly going off to the gym. She gets back on and apologizes to my mom and so my mom again wasted no time. There was no chit chat, no small talk, she cut to the chase. Her voice shaking a bit she tells Satan that she’s been trying to talk to my brother for a while now about this and it just seems like she isn’t getting anywhere. The reason it’s not getting anywhere is because she doesn’t think HE is the one who she needs to be talking to. Satan lets out a very hesitant, ok and my mom comes right out with it, “do you ever think there’s going to be a day that you can find it in your heart to let my son, heal his relationship with his sister….that all of you can heal your relationships?”. Satan gets defensive and starts stumbling and stuttering, “I’m, I’m not, NOT letting him do anything.”. My mom says in a nervous way, “well I’m not saying you’re not letting him, but do you ever think you’ll encourage it?” Satan now starts getting angry and says, “I’m not encouraging it, I’m not discouraging it, honestly it’s not a topic of conversation that I’m having with him.”. My mom responds, “well that’s what I’m wondering, maybe it could be a topic of conversation one day?”. Satan replies with, “listen he’s a 36 or 30 whatever year old man, if he wants to fix things he’d have to do it himself, you know what I mean?” My mom says, “even though you say you don’t discourage it, I think you kind of do in a way.” She laughed nervously at the end there, and Satan asks my mom how she’s discouraging it. My mom went on to give her an example of how she is in fact discouraging it and she does so by stating the fact that I brought her a gift for the baby shower. Satan plays dumb and says, “okay???”, and my mom goes on to say, “if you were in anyway encouraging it, you would’ve thanked her or [my brother] would’ve thanked her.”. Satan comes back, ” I did, I said if you can send her a thank you…..he didn’t, not my choice!”. 
My brother told my mom that some of the thank you’s got lost in the mail, now the truth comes out! They both vehemently deny that Satan has any control over him. She pretty much showed all her cards by saying that she told him he can send a thank you. First off that shows how controlling she is. Why does he need her permission to thank me? Second, I think any normal person regardless of how they felt, would’ve sent a thank you or like I did, thanked them and gave them the gift back if they didn’t feel comfortable accepting it. 
Now what happens next is something that Satan does often. She is being backed into a corner. My mom is playing it cool and saying, “oh ok, so he had a choice and he didn’t take it?”. Satan didn’t know how to reply to that and so she starts to stutter and stumble. She can’t organize her thoughts and so what does she do? She blame-shifts and diverts the convo away from her and says, “now go on the other foot, the reason why your son didn’t go to your party is because I wasn’t invited”. What does my mom’s party have to do with anything? Why bring it up? My mom wasn’t talking about her party that took place almost 7 months prior to this conversation. She was asking why I wasn’t thanked for the gift I sent. This is what these people do when they argue. They try to confuse you and so they repeatedly change the subject. This is where my mom failed a bit. She remained calm but at times, she fell for it. When Satan tried doing that to me, I kept her focused. I wouldn’t allow her to change the subject and that’s why she ended up getting up and walking away. 
My mom responds and tells her there were so many things I wasn’t invited to but Satan is over-talking her saying, “don’t put it all on me! Don’t put it all on me!”. Narcissists will do ANYTHING to escape taking responsibility for their misdeeds. When that didn’t work she starts giving my mom an excuse for why she didn’t come to her party. They were going to get pregnant that day and it was the only day they could do it. Satan than Stupidly asks what I wasn’t invited to and my mom says, “Well she wasn’t invited to your wedding!”. Satan had an answer for that, “I had the invitation, I went to her house, she didn’t like what I said and so she slammed the door in my face! That’s HER choice! She made choices!” (Obviously not the real story there) My mom basically explains that she could’ve basically taken the high road and still invited me. Satan comes back with the most ridiculous shit ever, “not after what she wrote to your son and what she said she was going to do if I invited her!”. My mom says, “she didn’t say she wasn’t going to do anything and [my brother] knows she wouldn’t do anything.”. I can say with 10000000% certainty that I NEVER said I was going to do anything at their wedding nor anything close to it! That was a complete and utter bullshit lie. Normally I can see where she twisted her words from but that one got me. She completely made that one up. She offers to read it to my mom and once my mom accepts the offer, what does she do? Of course, she changes the subject! She knew she had nothing to read to my mom. She goes on and says, “I’m not going to fight about this with you…”. Narcissistic Translation, “unless I’m right, and you accept I’m right, I don’t want to discuss this!”
Then she goes on, “you don’t want to read the letter? You think I’m the one sitting here going, don’t call your sister, don’t do this, don’t to that….”, my mom cuts her off and says, “to tell you the truth, [my brother] can’t even come to my house unattended.” Satan yells, “what do you mean unattended?!”. My mom clarifies, “alone.”. Satan knew the jig was up and again she starts to stutter, ” I, I, I, don’t know what he does….I, I, would have to ask him if he’s ever been to your house alone…I’m pretty sure he’s been to your house alone… I don’t know….” my mom tells her, “maybe once to pick up some mail.”. That was it. In the year and a half that he was with Satan he went to my mom’s house exactly one time alone to pick up mail and he was in and out. 
My mom now took control of the convo and says, “in the long and short of it worse things happen to people.” Mind you Satan is trying to over talk her every time she says anything and so my mom says, “listen you made a mistake….” before she finishes Satan starts getting really angry and yells, “no, no, no, conversations over…RIGHT NOW!! I did not make any mistakes!”. My mom jumps in, “you all made mistakes.” Satan replies, “then the conversation is over, THAT’S IT!”. She then states that she didn’t make any mistakes and she asks my mom what mistake she made. My mom then explains that she made the mistake of coming into our family and insisted I change my dress for their wedding, but as usual, Satan denies it, “I NEVER, insisted on anything…. that’s what you seem to not get is that this goes backwards….if you actually speak to your son and ask your son; I told him NOT to say anything about the dress.” This was the first time we were hearing this defense that not only was it not her but she even tried to stop my brother from saying anything about my dress! Little did she know, my brother had already told me and my mom during his brief moment of clarity, a few months prior that it was all her fault! My mom reminded her that back when she had that fight with them, she was the one saying things like, “well you know what, it’s my wedding too, if I want to tell her to wear this….YOU SAID IT to me! You told me that she could have carte Blanche to change into a different dress one for the ceremony and one for the party….” Satan was talking the whole time but it’s hard to hear her. She comes in clearly saying, “and we’re never going to have this conversation again…you are saying things that are completely false!” They weren’t even slightly false. Those are her exact words, verbatim! She absolutely cannot deny it! They are her words and they are on tape. Again more lies. She then tries to gaslight my mom by telling her that she doesn’t want to listen and that she only wants to say what she wants to say, and then she’s back to blaming my brother and her telling him NOT to say anything to me! She just couldn’t accept the responsibility. She went back into her original story about how she wasn’t even here, she was in the city, at work…..blah, blah, blah. It’s my brothers problem and not hers. My mom then got her good, she asks her, “how come that day when I came to your house, why didn’t you just say, tell your sister to wear whatever she wants to wear?”. Once again Satan is confronted with a very valid point in which she cannot refute and so she changes the subject. 
She tells her she gets it, I’m her daughter… my mom says, “it’s my daughter and my son! It’s my daughter and my son!” Hearing her say that to this day breaks my heart. I would think any normal person would’ve just gave in by now and said they’d try, but no, not Satan. She couldn’t. She had keep going and so started the smear campaign against me. She starts telling my mom that she’s blind to a lot of the things I do. What exactly those things are, I don’t know. The problem here is that she cannot understand the kind of relationship we had. She doesn’t have an open and honest relationship with anyone, let alone her mother. More narcissistic gaslighting but my mom wasn’t going to let her get away with it. She told Satan that she’s actually the blind one because she doesn’t even know me, that she had only met me a handful of times before everything happened. Again, Satan is backed into a corner and so she must change the subject by saying, “I don’t know her, that’s great….I don’t know what that even means.” My mom kept going, “you have a preconceived notion about her, you don’t even know who she is….” but Satan keeps talking and tells her, “don’t cause drama around me, that’s it. You want to cause drama go somewhere else…I’m not doing drama…I’m telling you right now, I’m not doing it!”. My mom remains calm and says, “ok don’t do drama. I thought I could talk to you but I kind knew this was the way it was going to turn out, and it is the way it turned out.” 
Satan couldn’t find any good defenses this day. My mom totally caught her off guard. She comes back with yet another subject change, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about at this point…you’re calling me up out of nowhere….”. She goes on to explain to my mom that they the previous day when my mom hung out with them that they had no intentions of inviting her before my mom called my brother. She had to point out that us was HER idea to invite my mom along with them. In reality though my mom hadn’t heard from my brother in weeks. She called because she wanted to see how the baby was and they decided at the last minute to invite her to go to a fair with them. She says to my mom, “you’re saying I’m actually doing these things but I’m actually trying so you see your son and see your granddaughter.”. The reality is, she wasn’t trying anything. My mom acknowledged that she was trying but went on to say that she knows Satan is tying to blame it exclusively on my brother but she knows it’s not all my brother. She explained to her how my dad didn’t talk to his brother for over 30 years and that my mom never even met his brother but because of the sense of family she had, she always encouraged my dad to try to make amends with his brother. Satan can’t understand positive things like that and so she asks my mom if she encouraged my dad to do it everyday! I mean really? Then she explains, “it’s not my daily chore to do this!” My mom tells her, “I’m not saying it’s your daily chore but you could’ve taken a step forward and said it was nice of your sister to get something for the baby….” Satan cuts her off, “how do you know I didn’t?”. My mom replies, “well you didn’t do anything to thank her…”. Here’s where I really have to laugh, Satan comes back with, “it’s not MY sister, it’s HIS sister….and I can go get him right now, put him on the phone and he can tell you I said to him, you want to send a thank you, there they are.” My mom replies to her, “well that’s like saying if you want to do it, I’m not doing it!”. Satan says, “exactly, I wasn’t going to do it! If he wanted to do it he could’ve done it!”. My mom tries to appease her by saying “you’re right I’m not going to put it all on you, I just thought you would help in some way but…”. Satan is over talking her, “you don’t know what I’ve done.” but my mom kept going, “you can both remain thick about it.”
What doesn’t make sense here is that she’s telling my mom it’s not her problem, it’s not her choice, it’s not her, my brother had a choice but in the next breath she is telling my mom she, “assumes a lot of things. She doesn’t know what’s she’s done and hasn’t done.” (To help the situation, I assume). My mom tells her that maybe she is assuming, maybe it’s all my brother and if it is she’s so disappointed in him and of course, Satan has to push the blame on me and says, “well maybe you should be disappointed in your daughter as well.”. It’s all about blame for her. She tells my mom to “stop putting everything on me and [my brother] and put some of it on [me].” “My mom explains that she’s not disappointed in my because she knows how I feel. She knows what’s in my heart because I tell her how I feel. So Satan starts asking my mom why she doesn’t tell me to say hi to my brother at parties and such. My mom explains that I made several attempts to try and fix things but my brother always squashes them by either ignoring me or being nasty. Satan pretends that she doesn’t know about any attempts to reconcile and only knows about nasty letters I wrote to him and whatnot. 
We never knew for sure if my brother showed her the letters I wrote him after my mom’s party. She apparently didn’t see them because there was a slight confusion. Satan is talking about letters I wrote but she was talking about ones I wrote when everything first happened. My mom was talking about the letters I had written more recently trying to fix things and Satan said she didn’t see them until way after. Again she starts with the, “what do you want me to do, harass my husband everyday and ask if he talked to his sister?”. My mom explains to her, “no” and Satan asks, “well what do you want me to do?”. My mom then goes on to say, “both of you are horrible to eachother, you’re both very selfish, you’re in your own little world, which is great but he doesn’t care that you’re not talking to your sister, you don’t care that he isn’t talking to his….there are people in your life that have cared about you your whole life and if you can close them out for the rest of your life, more power to you!”. At this point Satan gets really nasty and defensive. She tells my mom, “you don’t know why I don’t talk to my sister….”. She’s right we don’t know the real reason. Back when my mom had that first fight with them she told my mom it was because her sister’s husband “tried to kill her”. Then weeks later it changed to “he threatened to kill her.”. We knew it had something to do with the sister’s husband but we didn’t know exactly what. The guy ended up committing suicide and guess what? She STILL doesn’t talk to her sister! In this conversation though she told my mom, “it’s none of your business whether I do talk to my sister, whether I don’t talk to my sister, it’s none of your business!”. My mom says, “you’re right, it is none of my business, do what you want.”. Satan says, “you’re right, it’s none of your business, I don’t care if you like it, if you don’t like it, you don’t HAVE to like it, my family is none of your business!.” My mom was agreeing with her that it was not her business and that she didn’t need an explanation for why she didn’t talk to her sister but yet Satan kept arguing with her about it and asks her again as she laughed, “really, what do you expect me to do?” My mom tells her, “I have no expectations, really….I should’ve known that it was going to turn into an argument because I see [my daughter] is a very sore subject with you…” she goes on, “for someone that came into a family and makes all these demands about what people should wear after only meeting them 6 or 7 times, I would’ve told my husband, what are you doing? Tell your sister to wear whatever she wants”. Satan says, “how am I supposed to know what goes on in their family? I don’t know if they fight.”. I’m not even sure what she meant by that? What does it matter if we fight or not?” My mom told her it doesn’t matter, she would NEVER step foot into a family and act the way Satan acted. She would never make the demands she made. Satan is denying it again but my mom kept going and again reminded her that even though she is denying it, she still told my mom that I can have “carte Blanche” to the bridal suite and o can change into a different dress….” Satan again being backed into a corner and so she must deflect the convo away from her and she does so by telling my mom that I said, “this is what [Satan] gets for not putting me in her bridal party!”. That’s not what I said at all. What I said was, “if she wanted to control what I wore, she should’ve put me in her bridal party.” That’s what narcissists do. She turned my statement into a threat. Again she offers up her “proof” and asks my mom if she wants her to send the email. My mom takes her up on the offer and so while they’re on the phone she is acting like she’s looking for the email and sending it to my mom. My mom never received the email. My mom begs, “please, I need to see that because I never saw it.”. When she finally realizes that no such email exists she asks my mom if she ever saw the text messages she sent to me. She never sent me any text messages. I text her at one point and so she finds the messages in her phone and starts to read them off to my mom. They say, “hope your happy. You got my brother where you want him. Isolated and totally dependent on you.” She replies to me, “we are very happy together.” and I reply, “you’re so cute.” After she reads them my mom says, “ok what does that have to do with anything?”. She was trying to make it as if she had “reached out” to me at some point and I think in her head she believed her own lie. She NEVER reached out to me aside from showing up at my house unannounced. She went on to tell my mom, that she has reached out and when my mom said she doesn’t know of her ever reaching out, she tried to convince my mom it’s because I don’t tell her! Again, no concept of the type of relationship me and my mom had and how deeply we discuss things like this. My mom knew EVERYTHING! I told her exactly what happened every step of the way. My mom asks her if she wants her to go back and read texts that she sent to her that weren’t so nice and again when Satan is backed into a corner, she flips the blame onto my mom and says, “after the way you treat me, you expect me to be nice? I’m trying to make sure, so you actually have a relationship with your son and granddaughter but I’m telling you right now, you doing this, it’s not helping!”. 
That’s the crazy part again, it’s not her, my brother makes his own choices but then she says that she’s trying to “make sure” my brother has a relationship with my mom. She contradicts herself once again though and tells my mom that it’s my brother’s choice. My mom is done at this point and says, “you’re right, it’s his choice, we aren’t going to discuss this anymore.”‘and Satan comes back with, “you’re right, we’re not….it’s insane that I’m even getting this phone call right now.” My mom says, “you know what I didn’t even expect it to get like this….” Satan still talking, “you called me….you tell me….” my mom cuts her off, “I asked you if you can find it in your heart and you started arguing with me.” Satan asks her, “what am I trying to find in my heart? To make him do something? I can’t make him do something”. I mean she really doesn’t know? She doesn’t get it because she is a sociopath. This conversation confirmed it for me. My brother’s wife is a narcopath! She controls EVERYTHING he does and in my up coming posts, you will see just how serious I am about it. 
Suddenly my brother’s voice can be heard in the background. I guess he wasn’t really at the gym. He’s asking her what’s going on and she starts to explain that my mom called her up and started to fight with her. (Lies). My mom says to her, “the anger behind it shows that you don’t even want it to happen and that’s fine….this is what I needed to know and I know it now.” Satan comes back laughing and says, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about at this point and to be honest, I don’t even care, because you’re calling me up with this ridiculous stuff because you only want to hear what you want to hear. Your putting everything on me and [my brother], really you really need to go put something on [me].” She goes on to say that I am part of the problem the. She says, “you just said to me, [me] would say hi to him in a heartbeat, but you told me you told her to say hi to him and she doesn’t, you see you’re only contradicting yourself….”. My mom explains again, “[me] doesn’t want to be slapped down again by [my brother], he did it several times….he slapped her down several times….”. We never knew if Satan ever found out that my brother came to my house that day but if she didn’t know, she was about to find out because my mom explained, “he came to her house one day, I don’t know if he ever told you about it but since you read the letters [me] wrote then you know that he came to her house one day, said he wanted to make up and did but he wanted to keep it a secret from you, and then [me] never heard from him again so she doesn’t want to do it unless he’s willing.” There was a deafening silence from Satan… she then turns to my brother and says, “your mom is saying you went to her house and wanted to keep it a secret from me…..” after a long pause you hear my brother say., “well…….yeah.”. Satan says, “well I’m just telling you what your mother is telling me.” She gets back on the phone with my mom and says, “well I’m gonna go, I was just in the middle of powerwashing my windows!”. My mom says, “go ahead, go powerwash your windows.” You hear Satan go, “I am and I am telling you….” but my mom hung up the phone. 
His secret was out. We assumed she knew about that by now but clearly she didn’t. I can only imagine the lashing my brother got after my mom hung up on her. I’m surprised he was able to talk his way out of that one. She was clearly pissed. My mom got her answer and from that day forward, she started the process of acceptance…..
To be continued in my next post….

Stress does some funny things….

Stress can do crazy things to you. We all know this. When cortisol (the stress hormone) levels start to sky rocket, it can throw of the whole system. My mom was at her wits end with Satan and my brother, for not sending me a thank you for the gift I sent along with her to Satan’s baby shower. Satan’s scheduled c-section was only about a week away and my mom started to get really bad anxiety about it. Although my mom still lived in the house that I grew up in she had kind of become the unofficial 4th member of my household and in a sense she almost became dependent on me, maybe even codependent that whatever she had to do in life, I’d be there. My husband and I always included her in on whatever we were doing. If we were bringing my son to the zoo, she was invited. If we were going out to dinner, she came with us. She even virtually ate dinner with us every night. She loved to FaceTime with us so she can see my son and so we’d set the iPad up at the table while we were eating dinner and it was like she was at the dinner table with us. Things were awkward for her too around Satan and my brother. She would’ve liked me to be with her, when she went up to see the baby. She was losing the support of her family because everyone seemed to think the baby suddenly was supposed to make Satan the Virgin Mary and make the year and a half long feud between us, magically go away. 
One day my mom called me and started complaining about this kind of burning, tingling sensation on one of her arms. My mom would often get these weird things and we almost always wrote it off as side effects from her kidney transplant medication. Being on steroids long term made you susceptible to all sorts of crazy things. A few days later however she started to notice a redness in the area where she felt the tingling sensation. Along with the redness, she started to notice little white blisters. She googled her symptoms online and sure enough she had the shingles. If you’re not familiar with the shingles virus it actually comes from the chicken pox virus. If you had the chicken pox at some point in your life then you probably have the shingles virus in you as well. For most people it stays dormant. It imbeds itself deep into your nerves. If you read about shingles online just about every single article you read says it is usually brought out by stress. 

I couldn’t believe it my mom was so worried and so distressed about the arrival of this baby that she literally made herself sick over it. 
The baby was born sometime in early April. Sadly I don’t even know the exact date. My mom was told Satan didn’t want visitors. It didn’t matter anyway, my mom couldn’t go with the shingles. While she really wanted to meet her new grand daughter she was also kind of relieved that she didn’t have to go to the hospital and feel awkward. I, myself was sad. My brother was there when my son was born. He was also The Godfather of my son too. That was another fun time with my brother and Satan. My son’s christening was back when Satan and him first moved in together. I wasn’t blacklisted just yet. I made my self proclaimed, atheist brother, the godson of my kid. Makes sense right? Anyway my brother asked me what time he should be at the church and I told him 1:00pm. I told him the priest wanted us and the godparents there a half hour early, as the ceremony stared at 1:30. He told me, Satan had to pick her daughter up from a swim meet may be late. I told him that’s fine so long as he was on time. He told me not to worry, that he’d be there in time even if he had to drive himself and have her meet him there. It was 1:10…..no sign of my brother. 1:15……no sign of my brother. 1:20, 1:25…..the priest is getting ready to start! Finally at 1:28 my brother comes walking through the door with Satan and her daughter. I was annoyed to say the least but I kept it to myself. 
I believe that was the first party with my family that Satan attended. Her and my brother hid in a corner of my backyard the entire time and didn’t socialize with anyone. It was really bizarre. My family is not that stuffy kind. They’re fun. Very warm and inviting too. Anyway, my neighbor comes by the next day. She tells me that before the party she went to get her nails done. She was in the nail salon at about 12:45, when at 12:50 this blonde haired woman walks in like she owns the place. She’s being rude and condescending to the nice Korean man who runs the nail salon. He accommodates at the station right next to my neighbor. There’s a woman on the other side and my neighbor is having a conversation with her. She tells her she’s going to a christening party for a boy. The woman says she is going to one for a boy too! They laughed and asked where they were going. Suddenly the blonde woman jumps in and says that she too is going to a christening for a boy and she starts pressing my neighbor to find out what the boy’s name is. My neighbor says my son’s name. The blonde woman says, “that’s the boy’s name for the christening I’m going to.”. They find out they’re going to the same place. My neighbor had just met Satan. My neighbor leaves the nail salon at 1:00 and Satan still has her nails in the dryer. At the party Satan and my brother apologize for being late and Satan goes into a whole story how her daughter had a swim meet and she had to pick her up and they came straight to the church afterwards. To find out the next day that; that was a complete and utter lie, it was sickening. Knowing my neighbor saw herd she still decided to lie. That was one of the many red flags that troubled me about her. It was like she had no resolve. No worries about making a good impression on my family. 
My mom eventually got to see the baby once her shingles rash cleared up. Even though she was cleared by her doctor to be around an infant, Satan would not allow my mom to hold her and so she met her first granddaughter from afar for the first time and didn’t even get to hold her! My mom said the whole visit was just awkward altogether. Satan claimed she couldn’t hold the baby due to an injury that she incurred after the baby was born. Supposedly the doctor gave her some type of shot and he did so incorrectly and injured her arm. She milked the injury for months and was all holed up on painkillers. My mom said she was talking a mile a minute (worse than she normally did). She said she couldn’t hold the baby but my mom saw her using the allegedly injured arm all day and it seemed fine. I didn’t know this but Borderlines are infamous for faking injuries and illnesses. Just like she had that extreme form of morning sickness. Personally I believe she faked the injury so she wouldn’t have to care for the baby. My mom said my brother was doing everything (a year and a half later, that hasn’t changed). I also think Satan enjoyed the painkillers a little too much. She had made some comments to me and other family members along the way about all her pills and stuff, which kind of alluded to her having a pill problem. 
My family ended up being wrong. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, changed with the arrival of the baby. My mom had stressed herself out over it to the point that she gave herself the shingles. I didn’t know but my mom was devising a plan. She wanted to fix her family and see her grandkids play with one another and she knew that the only way to do that was to surpass my brother and go right to the source of all the problems…..Satan herself……
To be continued in my next post.