The Aftermath/Present Day

So we have finally made to present day! It’s now April of 2017. There’s been plenty of shit going down in the past few months but it’s been a lot more spread out, and so as I go along I will reflect on some of it and I’m going to start explaining what’s going on now and where things are between my brother, Satan, my Aunt Debbie and aunt Bea. 
In the next few posts I want to basically give you my thoughts about everything that was going on in the last month of my mom’s life and how it correlates to what is going on now, because as everything was happening, I was very confused. As I have had time to reflect on it all, I’ve been able to gain perspective and a little bit of a better understanding as to why my brother and Satan were going so crazy and doing all this stupid bullshit. It’s mostly speculation but speculation that fits really will with what was happening and makes it make sense. 
I should probably go back to March of 2016, after my mom had her surgery to remove the 8″ cancerous mass that was growing on her left kidney. Up until Early march of 2016, my brother and Satan were absolutely no help to my mom. They didn’t even really seemed very concerned about her condition, whatsoever. When my mom had her surgery back on February 10th, they only had come to the hospital one time that I can recall. It was the day that my mom had the surgery. My brother called me at 4:30 in the afternoon, after not hearing from him all day and the first thing he asks me is if she got a room because him and Satan want to send flowers. They may have come up one other time but that was it for her entire 7 day stay. Once she got home on February 17, they still did nothing. They didn’t come by or help her at all. For the next 6 weeks I was at her house daily. When she first got home from the hospital I had to go there every night to help get her in and out of bed. They never called or offered help. Then suddenly one day in late March, things changed. My aunt Sue had researched one of the best cancer hospitals in the US and suggested to me that my mom should sought out a second opinion. I agreed but I didn’t think my mom was ready for that yet. The second opinion was far away and since I was the one taking my mom for her weekly blood tests and doctors appointments, and seeing how she could hardly tolerate he short car rides we had, I thought it would be best if we waited a few more weeks until she got a little of her strength back. 
I guess my family thought I wasn’t taking my mom’s illness seriously, but by this time I already knew that my mom had a rare and aggressive form of kindness cancer that had advanced to her lymphatic system and god knew where else. I knew it wasn’t good. I did a little reading about kidney cancer in transplant patients, who took immunosuppressive drugs and the outlook was grim at best. That wasn’t to say I didn’t think she needed to get a second opinion. I didn’t think one would hurt but I also didn’t think it was a big rush since her doctors had explained to me that even the most aggressive cancers have a growth rate of one centimeter per year. 
They all seemed to think that it was crazy that my mom’s doctors told her to wait three months, after her surgery to go for follow up scans to see if the cancer had grown. They need to allow some time to pass to figure out how fast it was growing. Three months is actually too soon according to some doctors that I have spoke with. The standard is 6 months. Anyway, my mom’s cousin, Lenore’s daughter, worked at the other hospital that my aunt Sue had researched, and so when Aunt Bea caught wind of the situation and reached out to her to answer some questions. When she shared the email back, she CC’d me, Aunt Debbie and Aunt Sue but she sent my brother his own private email. I had not informed my brother about the second opinion for two reasons. One being that I didn’t think my mom was ready, and two being that he didn’t not seem to want to take an active role in helping my mom and/or caring for her. I had been trying to communicate with him prior to my mom’s surgery but every time I’d reach out to him, he wouldn’t answer and instead he’d either call my mom or Aunt Debbie to find out what was going on.
I do know that during that very same time the email was sent to my brother, a phone call between my aunt Bea and Satan happened. It seemed like the second after that phone call happened, my brother and Satan suddenly wanted to not only take a more active role in my mom’s care, but they wanted to lead the way. My brother completely took the reins on the second opinion stuff and I was totally fine with it however I couldn’t help but feel like something was said to them to light the fire under their asses. I had been trying to convey to my brother how serious my mom’s situation was and until then, he didn’t seem to care. My brother is the type of person, and I hate to say this, but he only does things for other people when there is a benefit in it for him. In this case I strongly believe that Aunt Bea informed Satan and my brother that my mom was either looking to take him off her will as executor and/or take him off altogether. 
For years my mom was under the impression that her will had my brother listed as the executor. Till this day, I’m not really sure why she thought that. I am not kidding when I say that every single person she talked to (friends, family, etc.) she told them that she needed to change her will to take my brother off as executor and put me on. When I informed her that my Aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie were on the will as executors and all other paperwork,(healthcare proxy, power of attorney) she just said, “oh.”. I actually happen to have me telling her that on a recording because I told her about it after our meeting with the palliative care team when she was in the hospital. I started to record all of our meetings with doctors and such about a month or so before she died because there was a lot of information, to remember. I told her about the will right after the meeting because power of attorney and wills came up during that meeting (because my brother of course brought it up) After I informed her of who was on her will, I didn’t press the issue any further because she was having a really rough day in the hospital and so I never found out why she had thought my brother was the executor. The only thing I could think of is that she maybe, since the will was written in 1996 when my brother and I were still minors, had it written where if my brother was still a minor, it would be my aunts, but if he wasn’t, it would be him. I believe had she had another will it would’ve been in the safe with the old ones and really, she probably would’ve thrown the old ones out. If there is indeed another will somewhere, I have no idea where it is. My mom used to keep the combination to our safe in a book. Behind that book, I found a handwritten note from my mom that told us her will was in the safe. 
With that said, I found out months later, after her death, that when aunt Debbie was telling people that I destroyed my mom’s will, she was talking about the imaginary will that named my brother as executor. I was totally confused as to why she was saying I destroyed my mom’s will and so I sent her a photo of the copy I had to prove to her I had the copy. At that time I had believed that she was talking about the 1996 will because my brother and Satan accused me of stealing the original copy of it. I also later found out that Satan was the one who started the rumor about the other will. Funny because my brother discussed the will several times with my husband and never once did he make any mention of any other will that named him as executor. That’s because he knew if he did my husband would call his bluff and tell him he’s a fucking liar. 
I am completely insulted that anyone in my family would believe I’d do such a thing. I thought my family knew I had integrity and they knew what type of person I was. Besides I don’t see how me ripping up a will that names him and using a will that names two other people I dislike is going to help me! I’ll be the first to admit that I really don’t understand why my brother feels so god damned entitled that he should be executor just because why? Because he is older? I personally feel like he lost that privilege when he dumped my mom off the minute she didn’t comply with his wife’s ridiculous wedding demands. For nearly three years he dismissed her feelings, fought with her, and let his wife talk to her like she was a heap of dog shit on the sidewalk. He didn’t go to her house for an entire two years except for maybe one or two brief visits to pick up a piece of mail that was sent to her accidentally and his comic books. That’s it. Then when she got sick, he did nothing for months and only decided to jump in when his wife finally decided that my mom was an investment for her. So yes I don’t feel like my brother deserves to be in charge of my mom’s possessions. At the end of the day though, those are MY feelings. Had my mom chose him, I would’ve just had to deal with it and that’s it. He is part owner of everything she left us. My mom loved him unconditionally which is the same way I will love my son. 
After I submitted my mom’s will I never heard back from my aunts. I reached out several times and got nothing. I offered to have a peaceful conversation with them but they refused to speak with me and so I was left with no choice but to consult with my lawyer and see what my options were. It was CLEAR that they weren’t going to treat me fairly. That I was going to be left in the dark regarding my mom’s estate because they too have been sucked into Satan’s web. My attorney filed the will on December 13, 2017. It took my aunts all the way until February 10th to file their petitions. My lawyers filed my objection to the will shortly after that. I was objecting to my aunt’s being the executors. Shortly before my mom died she had a lawyer come up to the hospital and she told the lawyer she wanted to name both me and my brother as executors. As I know, that was her dying wish and so I entered an objection to my aunts being executors. My brother and I are grown adults now. We do not need them. 
My aunts are still going on about the “other will”. There is no “other will” and if there was, they’ve made absolutely no attempt to find it. Just as my lawyer did, their lawyer should’ve informed them that the lawyer should have a copy of the will. Aunt Debbie used the lawyer who drafted my mom’s will and handled her malpractice law suit with her doctor, to do her first divorce. Her and my mom discussed everything because they spoke every single day since my dad died in 2006. They even discussed their wills and I know this for a fact because aunt Debbie told me. She knows for damn sure. She’s a fucking liar; going along with this shit. There never was another will. 

Recently I’ve been informed that my mom alledegdly had a new will written right before she bought her most recent car. That is according to aunt Debbie. I do not believe that; AT ALL. I loved my mom,  but she was very cheap when it came to certain things. For three years she talked about having her will changed but she never did it because it was going to cost her a couple hundred dollars and so I find it really hard to believe that for no reason whatsoever, my mom just decided out of the clear blue sky to have her will written three years ago which would’ve been on or around the time my brother started dating Satan. If any time I’d believe she’d do it, it would’ve been right after my dad died in 2006. I don’t see my. Ok randomly wanting to spend a couple of hundred dollars just to get a will written. 
The sick part is, I think some of my family actually believes this bullshit. There is absolutely NO WAY, I can prove it isn’t true. My aunt Sue suggested that I go through banks statements from that time and see if there are any checks or transactions with a lawyer. That still wouldn’t prove shit. Me finding a transaction wouldn’t prove them right. That wouldn’t prove that I destroyed the will. For all I know my mom herself could’ve destroyed it. Maybe that was her way of getting my brother off the will. I’d still question why she’d keep the old ones if there was a new one written. 
I did go through her bank statements for that time period and I didn’t find any checks or transactions for a lawyer. That doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. She could’ve paid with a credit card or in cash. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m even bothering or worrying about it. I know she didn’t have it re-written for the sheer fact that she would’ve told me she did. 
If my aunts and my brother really believe there was another will, why aren’t they actively looking for it? Why did my brother file for administration at the very beginning? Why doesn’t my aunt Debbie know who wrote it? Why hasn’t my brother ever said anything to me or my husband about it? I actually gave both her and my brother the phone number to the woman who sent me the will. Since they’re still all about this other will, I assume they never called her or reached out to her in anyway. Why? Because they know there never was another will.


Big brother is watching (part b) 

It was around 10:30pm the night of cameragate 2016 and I was home trying to forget the fucked up day I had. I felt terribly defeated at that point and I really just didn’t know what the fuck was going on or why. I tried to unwind and get my mind off all the stupid camera bullshit when suddenly I get a text from my brother that read, “why did you take the camera that I GAVE to mom?”. Noticed the emphasis on the word, “GAVE” and make note of it because it’s going to become important later in this story. I was so angry and so over it that I didn’t even answer him. I was done talking about cameras for the day. If he gave my mom the camera then it shouldn’t even be a concern of his. It’s no longer his possession. Who tracks gifts after they give them to someone? I didn’t feel I owed him any type of explanation. It was in my mom’s house and therefore it was her property. On top of that I know myself all too well and I was working on self control and I knew the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere good, had I answered him. #adulting 
That night once again I went to bed thinking, “well today was by far the most fucked up day, it can’t get any worse than this.”. I was seriously afraid to wake up. I went to the hospital on Sunday to find out that my brother and Satan were off at her daughter’s Regatta race that was out of state. My mom told me she had to talk to me about something and so I sat down and listened. I don’t remember if this conversation took place the day of the camera incident, or that Sunday morning but my mom told me that she had conversation with my brother and she had asked Satan to take a step back. She explained to my brother that she was sort of over stepping her boundaries and she reminded him that she was a virtual stranger to me and also to my mom and it was very uncomfortable that she was so heavily involved in this personal shit. She explained that I am her daughter and I have been caring for her and surprisingly Satan agreed to take a step back, and it was a peaceful conversation. Of course they were going to play like they were the peaceful ones to her because they had something to lose in all of this. My brother on the other hand had to be his usual manipulative self and he took her house key off his key chain and gave it back to my mom, and told her that he won’t be going to her house to help out anymore.  
I heard from the neighbor too the next day and sure enough she told me my brother was at the house around 10:30 that night. He probably realized he couldn’t see his camera feed and so he went there to see what happened to it. Of course that’s not what he told my mom. He told her he went there to get this hoop that holds firewood. Yeah at 10:30 at night it was an emergency to have somewhere to store his firewood. I’m sure! 
I decided that day that I was no longer going to let what they do, come into my mom’s hospital room and effect my attitude or relationship with her. They were trying to take my focus off of her and put it on to them and I was not going to let that happen. From there on out I would no longer discuss them in her hospital room. I saw what they were trying to do and I wasn’t going to let them win. 
No one came to see my mom that whole weekend and I was pretty surprised. My mom seemed to be doing slightly better mentally but physically it seemed like she was getting worse and more and more discouraged because she still couldn’t sit up unsupported in her bed, or stand up and walk. I guess her slight improvement was enough to make everyone forget that she was still in very bad shape and I could tell once again that it hurt my mom that none of her family cared enough to come see her on their weekend. I think her youngest sister and her husband came one night but only stayed for a short time. 
It was Monday, November 10th and it had been another quiet day. My mom and I are sitting there talking when suddenly I hear talking in the hallway. I look up and in walks Aunt Debbie, Aunt Bea, Uncle Bob, my grandmother and my brother, all at the same time. What was the chances that they all arrived at the hospital at the very same time? I felt bad leaving the room when my grandmother was there but I just couldn’t sit there, feeling like I was completely outnumbered and I especially didn’t want to be in the same room as my brother. I walked out and told my mom I’d be back in a little while. 
I walked down into the parking garage and called my husband and told them how my brother came walking in the room with all of them as if they all came together. I looked around the parking garage and his car was not there, so either he came with them because he is a little bitch or he was dropped off by Satan? My husband was heading out to get dinner and so he told me to come meet him and my son. It was the first time I had eaten dinner with them in weeks. As I finished up eating I got a nasty text from my mom. I could tell she was angry that I had left. At this point in time I couldn’t explain why and so I just told her I wanted to eat dinner with my family. She told me not to bother coming back up but I did anyway. I wasn’t going to leave her uncomfortable for the night. 
By time I got there my mom was over it. 

As I’m up there I get a text from my husband. Apparently my brother had text him, “I texted [my name] but she never answered. I want the camera back that she took from my mom’s house. When can I come pick it up?”. I had just seen him at the hospital. He could’ve asked me then but like the coward he is, he waited until he went home and texted my husband. Why was he bothering my husband with this stupid bullshit? My husband answered him back, “I don’t know where it is. Didn’t you just see her at the hospital? Should of asked her.”. My brother responded, “She left the room when I got there and I am not fighting with her in front of my mother. I asked her for it the other day. She shouldn’t have stolen MY PROPERTY! Just find out from her where it is and let me know when I could get it. I don’t want to talk to her about it.” 
To reiterate, that night he sent me a text asking my why I took the camera that he GAVE to my mom. Here it is days later and now it’s HIS and not only is it HIS but it’s now HIS STOLEN PROPERTY. Now it made sense why he came up to the hospital with protection. He didn’t want to talk to me about it because he didn’t want to be confronted with the truth. He didn’t want me asking questions or telling him how absolutely fucked up it was that be planted a camera in my mom’s house. 
My husband called me and he was flipping out. He told me to go get the camera and just leave it in my moms hospital room because he didn’t want any trouble. There was no hiding it from my mom. I went down to my car and got the camera out of my trunk. Before I gave it back, I took a photo of it front and back because I could imagine Satan destroying the camera and saying I smashed it into a million pieces. I brought it up to the room and left it in the closet and told my mom to let him know it was in there. I helped her clean up for bed and I left for the night. 

I text my brother that night, “Do me a favor, don’t get my husband involved in this ridiculous bullshit. Don’t contact us anymore. We have enough stress worrying about mommy, as we have been for the past few years. I have seriously had it with the lies and the sneaky bullshit. Whatever you’re trying to do, you aren’t hurting me. You are hurting mommy. Who are you? You are not the same person you used to be. If you wanted the camera that you gave to mommy as a “gift”, then you should’ve asked me like a MAN when you just saw me in the hospital. Really, get your priorities in order. Is this shit really that important right now?” He responded to me, “don’t worry, I won’t be contacting you anymore.” I could wish that was the truth.

(To be continued in my next post)

Big Brother is watching.. (part A) 

It was the first Saturday in the month of Novemeber. Time was flying by and the holidays were right around the corner. I was really hoping my mom could come home for Christmas but I knew she had a very long road until she’d be out of any type of hospital environment. Mentally she seemed a lot better without all of the pain meds and I was actually able to have more normal conversations with her. My mom was very much into the presidential elections. The whole time she was in the hospital Fox News was playing in the background. She was really rooting for Donald Trump and getting her vote in was extremely important to her but it didn’t look like she was going to be home in time to cast her ballot. I knew how much it meant to my mom to participate in the vote and so I started looking into how you would go about casting an absentee ballot. I realized by the time I started looking into it, it was past the deadline for the mail-in ballots. In the previous two weeks when she was in really bad pain and had the pain pump, I didn’t think I would have time to go down to our county’s election board, in person and get an absentee ballot for her. I knew she was really going to be crushed if she was unable to vote and so I came up with a better plan. I have always voted in every presidential election since I was 18 but this year since I wasn’t really following and didn’t care too much for either candidate, I wasn’t planning on voting. While I’m registered as independent, I mostly vote democrat but I wasn’t too thrilled with Hilary Clinton as the democratic candidate. With that said, I decided to sacrifice my vote for hers. I promised her that I would vote Donald Trump , even though personally, from what I did heard and saw, I really didn’t think he was fit for the job, for her and it would be like she was voting. She was cool with that. The next day after I told her that I came up to the hospital and saw some paperwork on her table about absentee ballots. I asked her where they came from and she told me that she told my brother that I was going to forfeit my vote for her and he then said he was going to go down to the election board and get her ballot. I was kind of upset and disappointed. That was something special I wanted to do for her to make her feel better and once again, my brother was trying to run me off the tracks. I told my mom no way and so I went the very next morning and got her a ballot. God knew if my brother would actually pull through anyway. Sometimes he would say he could or would do things and then at the last minute Satan would come up with some errand to run or project to do and he’d change plans. I wasn’t about to let that happen this time. 
On Saturday’s my husband would let me sleep in a little bit and it was really needed this time around. I woke up around 10:30 and hung around being lazy with my son and my husband, on the couch. I called my on and told her I’d be up a little later that afternoon and she told me not to rush and that my brother and Satan were suppose to be there sometime soon. Im scrolling down my Facebook feed and see a text from my Mom’s neighbor pop up on the screen. Attached to the text is a photo of my mom’s house. My brothers Mercedes is parked in the driveway and Satan’s car is on the street blocking his car in. Her text read they are back AGAIN and this time they brought friends with them! 
I jumped up out of my seat and ran to show my husband. My heart was racing. I knew that my mom was already uncomfortable about them being there but more specifically Satan being in her house while she wasn’t there and now they are bringing her friends along with them? At this point I don’t know what the fuck they are up to. How many times can they go through her safe? How many bills could my mom possibly have to pay? She did all her bills paperlessly, online. What the fuck was their sudden interest and obsession with her house for? Bear in mind that these are two people who had probably been to her house less than five times in the past three years and NEVER went to her house when she wasn’t there, prior to the one time during her last hospital stay, and now they are there multiple times a week? I started to wonder what else they were doing. When you are constantly kept in the dark about things all you can do is speculate and so my husband and I started to think, Satan works in the insurance industry, and knew a lot of real estate people; attorneys, etc. Maybe the “friend” that was with her was a real estate appraiser. They had already gathered up all the other financial information they needed, so why not find out exactly how much the house cost? While that seems a little far fetched (my husband has a good imagination) at this point I wouldn’t put anything past them. It ended up not being a friend with them, anyway. It was Satan’s older daughter.  I was thinking more along the lines of maybe they were starting to remove valuables from the house like my mom’s jewelry and stuff. Either way I didn’t want to waste any time. I wanted to catch them there and see what they were doing, with my own eyes. 
I had caught them at my moms house and in her safe at least three times already, prior to this day. The last time I caught my brother, he lied when he was confronted by my mom. I know my brother has just as much of a right as I do to be at her house but when he was being sneaky and lying about it, I had to question his motives. He was well aware of how my mom felt about his wife and so to bring her into my mom’s home and allow her to see my mom’s most private stuff, showed his lack of consideration and respect for my mom. I have heard horror story’s from friends of mine how siblings started doing shady shit like stealing things, or manipulating people into signing over power of attorney so they can take all their money, from a sick or elderly parent. At this point I wouldn’t put anything past them.   Money makes people do crazy things. I didn’t know much about Satan but what I knew without any doubt was that money was one of her main interests in life, if not the sole focus of her entire being. My brother, I hate to say it but he took has also been a money hungry, greedy bastard. He’s the type of person who will buy you a really cheap Christmas gift and say he was broke but then he’ll be showing you the newest expensive gadget that he bought for himself. 
Whatever it was they were doing, I wanted to put a stop to it! This sneaky bullshit was going to stop. I wanted to get a handle on this situation before it got out of control and we really went to war. I had caught them all those times but never confronted them about it because I didn’t want to upset my mom anymore. I wanted them to know that they were not going to pull the wool over my eyes anymore. 
My mom’s house was a good 10 to 15 minute ride from me and I wanted to get there ASAP. Still in my sweats that I slept in, I was flying down the main road that leads to the highway. I look over to the other side of traffic and see a truck that is identical to Satan’s coming towards me. I turn my head as it passes and saw the truck had a butterfly decal on the back window and knew for sure it was her. I kept my eyes opened for my brother’s car but didn’t see it. I was a bit disappointed that she wasn’t going to be there, but I figured it was probably better and safer that she wasn’t there. Maybe my brother and I could actually have a civilized conversation. 
I rounded the corner of my moms block and saw that only my moms car was in the driveway, my brother had also left. I walked into my moms house and briefly scanned around her living room and then I made my way to the kitchen. I called my husband as I was looking around for any sign of something missing or moved out of place. I know my mom’s house just as good as I know my own house. I lived there all my life, and while my mom made a lot of renovations since I moved out, almost a decade ago, I came to visit often enough that her house still felt like “home” to me. Hell, it should! My husband and I were the ones helping her maintain her home, for the past three years, as my brother callously hung my mom and I both out to dry. 
I made way to my old bedroom which was straight across, at the end of the hallway. If you stood at looking my hall there were three doors on one side, 2 doors on the other side and my old room was straight ahead. If the door was open you can see a tall bureau that my mom had and the safe was sitting right beside it. The safe appeared to be undisturbed this time, unless they got wise to the fact that I left the dial on a certain number each time. I poked my head into her room and nothing looked out of place. I grazed the rest of the house until I was satisfied that nothing seemed out of the ordinary, all the while narrating my movements to my husband. I went down the hallway one last time to turn off all the lights. My brother has a tendency to be careless especially when it’s not his own shit, and so I just wanted to double check that the back door was locked before I headed out. 
As I turned out of the hallway to go into the kitchen, out of the corner of my eye I caught an odd reflection near my piano  which was up against the wall. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to see what it was. Right away something didn’t look right. The items on the piano were slightly rearranged and I could tell something was different. As I scanned across it,  I notice this round, black shiny, object with a small green light on it that I have never seen before. It was sitting between a picture frame and a fake planted pot. I have a very good photographic memory and I knew whatever it was, it didn’t belong there. Finally as I got close, I thought it looked like a baby monitor of some sort and that’s when I saw that bubbled, round lens in the center.  It was the fucking Nest Camera that Satan said she was giving to my mom. 
On the phone with my husband I started screaming, “it’s the fucking camera!!!! Their mother fucking camera!!!”. In that moment the past few months all started replaying in my head, which lead to the past three years and all the bullshit I’ve had to deal with. Everything came rushing back. The dress I got for their wedding, them fighting and screaming at mom, all the arguments, the disrespect, my mom’s tears, the heart ache, my ruined relationship with my brother, my son not knowing his uncle, the begging, the pleading, the lack of help; the lack of care, the lack of empathy, the twisting of words, the lies, the sneaky bullshit, my mom’s cancer, healthcare proxies, wills, secret conversations, EVERYTHING, and then I lost my fucking shit. I grabbed the camera and yanked the cord towards me as hard as I could. I ran right to the front door, screaming and cursing, using every profanity I could conger up. I walked out and as hard as I could I threw the camera down on my mother’s brick walkway. It bounced so hard it ricochet’d off the walkway and  landed in the middle of her lawn, and then almost rolled off her property, into the street. 
My mom’s neighbor’s husband was standing outside and must’ve thought I was losing my mind. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I walked across the lawn and retrieved the camera and I have to say, I almost started to laugh because I was pretty impressed with the quality of the camera. I threw it pretty god damn hard, into solid pavers and it was still completely in tact except for a few scratches on the back. The front part where the camera lens was, was virtually unscathed except some dirt and finger prints which I wiped away. Out of breath and angry, I laid the camera and its stand which came detached (but was easily fixed) out on the walkway and snapped a picture of it. I impulsively sent it to my mom with a caption that said, here’s what your son was doing at your house today. 
I walked back in the house to retrieve the plug that was still in the outlet. The power cord was set up similar to how the iPhones is where the plug wall adapter and wire were separate entities. Upon further inspection I looked at the plug and it was obvious that it had been used. It was all dirty and had scuff marks. I guess she won a thrift store contest.  I walked down the hallway to see if the accompanied thermostat was there but it wasn’t. Satan didn’t just “win” this camera. It was their personal camera. Their old, dirty and scuffed up, used camera. It was a total bullshit story. 
I also have to laugh at the camera’s placement. It was sitting on the edge of my piano, pointed directly down the dark hallway, right at my old bedroom door, where the safe was kept. Why on gods green earth would my mom want to look at a bunch of closed fucking doors? That camera wasn’t put there for any other means than to control and intimidate me, my husband and now the innocent neighbor who was there to help care for my mom’s dogs. They wanted to let me know I was being watched. Meanwhile, they were the ones who should’ve had a camera pointed on them. 
For three years while they treated my mother complete shit, I was there for her. Not trying to toot my own horn but or be a martyr but if it weren’t for me, my mom probably wouldn’t even have made it to this point.  My husband has done way more for her than her own son. He treated her as if she was his own mother. When she got her surgery, I was in that house everyday helping her out for three months straight. My husband and I  cleaned her pool all summer, we went out an got  her a new A/C andfixed her air conditioner, and we installed it. I helped her clean, do her laundry, go grocery shopping, helped her in and out of the shower, helped her wash her body, picked up dead mice, try to scare raccoons out from under her deck, etc, etc. My husband and I sacrificed and put our own home and even our child at times, to the wayside, to help her out, not because we HAD to or were obligated to, but because we WANTED to, because that’s what you do for the people you love. I would be damned before I walked into MY MOTHER’S house with those two, selfish, uncaring, unhelpful, unempathetic, fake, phony, conniving, calculating, greedy, rotten, evil, sons of bitches, watching me and listening to my private conversations! Over my dead fucking body. What gave them the right to Police my actions? 

My brother and her had finally sunken to an all-time new low. I just didn’t understand, why didn’t they take all this time and effort that they put into worrying about cameras, healthcare proxies, snooping around, plotting and scheming and put it into my mom. My brother kept repeating at the palliative care meeting that he was “looking out for her best interest” and trying to “protect her” but all he was doing was worrying about himself. Also, for fucks sakes did he ever take it into account the neighbor who was taking care of my mom’s dogs? This woman had been trusted with a key to my mother’s house to go in and out, unsupervised, multiple times, for that last year and now all of the sudden she walks into the house one day and there’s a camera pointed on her? Now she has to feel uncomfortable and like she was doing something wrong? ?
I took the camera out of the house, threw it in a plastic bag and put it in my trunk with full intentions of giving it back to them. At this point in time now I was really starting to feel like I was to losing my mind and my imagination once again started to get the best of me. I started to wonder if perhaps they were fabricating stories about me and telling my mom that I was doing all the shit they were doing? I even started to question if my mom had turned on me and was drinking Satan’s kool-aid too. What was the reason they gave her for putting the camera in the house that day or did she even know? I just couldn’t understand what the fuck was going on and why it was happening.  What were they trying to do to me? Was it just there to control and intimidate me ? They really didn’t hide the camera, I felt like they almost wanted me to know it was there, like they were using it to make a statement.
Regardless of why it was there my stress had hit an all time high. I felt like I was being tortured and my patience was being put to the ultimate test. Was this all a huge misunderstanding? Were they actually innocently just trying to help and coincidentally it seemed like they were up to no good? Were they purposely they trying to get me and my mom into a fight and trying to drive a wedge between us? Was this camera out there to triangulate? I just couldn’t understand and I was experiencing so many emotions. I was also feeling deeply conflicted. I felt my mom had a right to know and I had already impulsively sent my mom a text but I had tried so hard to keep the bullshit out of her room and I didn’t want this ridiculous, petty bullshit to add to her stress. She wa very fragile and something like this could send her soaring over the edge. How long could I keep giving them the  benefit of the doubt? 
I went to the hospital that night and I know my mom could tell something was wrong. I do not hide my emotions very well. I wear my heart on my sleeve and if and when I’m feeling something as intense as this, it’s hard for me to keep it in. She finally asked me what was wrong and I calmly just told her that I was so upset and I just didn’t understand what this was all about and what they were trying to do to me. My mom didn’t know all the details of what happened that week and again, I didn’t want to burden her with this nonsense  but it was hard because at the same time, she is normally the main person I would go to with this kind of stuff. 
My mom swore that they didn’t tell her they were going to her house that day to put the camera in and that she was upset with my brother that he didn’t discuss it with her first. His bullshit reason he gave to her for going there was to put covers on her air conditioners. My brother doesn’t do volunteer work. Never has never will. He has  been like that his whole life. He doesn’t go out of his way for anyone unless he is somehow benefitting from it. 
This whole thing was so disturbing to me. Not only didn’t they lie to my mom about winning this new camera but I really don’t think they had any intentions on letting her keep it. In their eyes I believe they thought that they were lending it to her for a short period of time and once it served it’s purpose and she was gone, they would get it back. It also bothered me that here again, my brother was caught doing some shady shit and lying to her again and once again, she just gives him a pass. I knew she was sick and had bigger things to worry about but i am still human and it was hurtful to me that she constantly downplayed his bad behavior and enabled it. She had been enabling her whole life, its all she knew. She could never give me a good reason as to why the camera was there and when I’d asked her, she’d evade the question everytime . 

I didn’t want this to cause tension between my mom and I. I let her know how I felt and how much it hurt and how I believed like my brother and his wife were trying to destroy me and every relationship I had in my life. They were now encroaching on the most important one. I told her I wasn’t mad at her and that like everything else I will eventually just force myself to get over it. I helped her clean herself up and get her teeth ready for the next day and I left the hospital kind of earlier than normal that night. I just needed a break. I needed to process not just this but EVERYTHING I was going through……
(To be continued in my next post)

“My family sucks!”

Every night when I’d try to go to bed, usually between 2:00-4:00am, I would think to myself, “well today was fucking horrible, I highly doubt tomorrow could get any worse…..” then I would wake up the next day and shit would get much worse. There was a few days there though that were relatively quiet during that very first week of November. Part of it had to do with the fact that Satan was supposedly sick and she wasn’t up at the hospital. 
Two days went by and there was absolutely no bullshit from them. I hadn’t seen them in a few days and it was nice. Then came this one night when I was up there and a new nurse came in to take my mom’s blood pressure. Like all of the other nurses in her unit she was friendly and started talking to us. We got into a conversation about family and she asked my mom how many kids she had. My mom explained that she had me and my brother and we were both married, with one kid. My mom mentioned that she wasn’t crazy about my brother’s wife and I said the same. Then suddenly my mom turns to me and says, “[my name] we need to stop doing that. Confused, I asked her, “doing what?”. She said, “telling people that we don’t like her.”. She then when on to explain that years ago around the time everything was going on with my brother and Satan and their wedding, my mom was getting her taxes done and she told her accountant that she hate her son’s wife and felt my brother was making a huge mistake marrying her. She went on to tell me that the day prior Satan and my brother were at the hospital and Satan was talking about some tax advice she got from someone that she needed to tell her accountant, Janice When my mom heard the name Janice she asked Satan what her last name was and that’s when she realized that they used the same accountant. 
We live in one of the most densely populated, suburban areas of the United States. What are the chances that my mom and her used the same accountant? 

Knowing how Satan and my brother had been snooping around my mom’s house several times in the past few weeks, I found it highly suspicious that Satan happened to A) be speaking about financial advice she got, with my mom while she was in the hospital, B) used the same exact accountant as her. I mentioned this much earlier on in this blog but this was something that was common practice for Satan. She always knew someone that knew you, no matter where you went. She always had a “friend”. Back when my mom was hospitalized in August, and had to get a procedure done Satan had sent my mom a screenshot of this anesthesiologist that she supposedly knew. She told my mom that he would come down and see her before her procedure and take care of her. No one ever showed up. She was full of shit. She had friends that were nurses too but again, we never met any of them. I felt like this was just another bullshit story that Satan was telling. She always knew someone. 
 I think it her doing that is her way of controlling what is said about her. It keeps you on your toes. You don’t want to bad mouth her because you never know when one of her “friends” may be lurking in the shadows, listening to your conversations. It was working on my mom, but to be quite honest, I could give a flying shit less. It was abundantly clear at that point in time that I wasn’t about to be the president of the Satan fan club. She didn’t scare me. 
I was trying my hardest not to talk about my brother and Satan unless my mom brought them up and even then I would keep it to a minimum. I didn’t want to stress her out with their nonsense by at the same time I wanted her to be aware that people were invading her privacy and going through her personal space. Even when I did talk about what was going on I always took the blame off of my brother and put it on to Satan. I didn’t want my mom thinking her son was a piece of shit and so I always stressed the fact that he was being controlled by her, even though at that point in time, I stared to realize that my brother was just as guilty because he was allowing her to control him and overstep boundaries with his family. As I mentioned in my last post it bothered me at times though, that my mom was so completely blind to my brother’s role in everything. She always gave him a pass. I think having to admit your son is a greedy, self absorbed, piece of shit, is a hard thing for a mother to do. I had told my mom each time I caught him in her safe but I think there was a part of her that didn’t want to believe me until finally one day, she got the proof she needed. 
It was a few days after Halloween and my mom told me, “your brother really was in my safe. He gave himself up by accident.”. I have to mention here that my mom would give me little drips and drabs of things they would say to her but she never told me the full details because I think she was really trying to avoid adding fuel to the fire. At the same time I think she was trying to piece this all together in her own mind and so when something didn’t seem right, she would question it to see my reaction. Her worst nightmare was to die knowing that my brother and I weren’t ever going to speak again. Him and I being estranged made her miserable. Anyhow, She would make mentions of these small, weird things and when I’d press for details she’s suddenly forget them because she didn’t want me to get angry. In this case there had to be some discussion going on about my mom changing her will and my brother asked her if she was going to use the same lawyer who drew up her original will. My mom said to me that, that right there was proof that my brother was indeed in the safe. There’s no other way he could’ve known who drafted her original will without actually going in there and seeing it with his own eyes. My mom never showed either of us her will. She told me that she told him that day that she had another lawyer she was going to use and she left it at that. It hurt that my mom had doubts but at the same time I understood. No mother wants to think their child is doing something shady to hurt her or any other one of his immediate family. I can only imagine the discussions that went on between them when I wasn’t around. I feel like they were telling my Mom things way worse than I ever could imagine while I wasn’t around. Satan was a compulsive liar and her lies were about to take a far more sinister turn. 
The same night my mom told me about the coincidental fact that Satan and her used the very same accountant, she made another strange mention to me about something else Satan said to her. The nurse walked out of the room and my mom said to me, “there’s something else I have to tell you about Satan…..”. I looked at her with worry in my eyes. She told me it was really weird. Satan told my mom she had one this thing called “the Nest” in some contest. I had heard of The Nest before. To my knowledge it was digital, hi-tech thermostat that could be controlled via your iPhone. She told my mom that not only did she win The Nest but she didn’t need it and she was such a generous person, she wanted my mom to have it. I was puzzled as to why Satan wouldn’t want to use it herself and why she’d want to give her expensive prize away to my mom for no apparent reason and that’s when my mom added, “well that’s not all….”apparently this prize was not just the thermostat, it came with a free security camera and she wanted to also gift that to my mom! 
Something definitely did not sound right about this to me. First off what kind of contest did Satan enter that a thermostat and Security camera were the prize? I asked my mom if that sounded a little suspicious to her and my mom admitted that it did, but again wanted to give my brother the benefit of the doubt. Also, why wouldn’t Satan want to keep this wonderful prize? Why was she so compelled to give it to my mom? My mom tried to play it off that it wasn’t a big deal but this wreaked of evil to me. No one just gives away a prize they “won” that’s worth over $200, for no reason. It just didn’t make sense to me. My mom told me she would like the thermostat but she wasn’t really into having a security camera in her house. 
When I left the hospital that night I told my husband who also thought the story sounded suspicious but in all honesty, I wrote it off as one of Satan’s bullshit stories that would never actually come to fruition. I looked at it as one of those things she said, just like her friend the anesthesiologist who was going to come see my mom before she got her procedure done and for the next few days I didn’t even give it a second thought. 
In the meanwhile I spoke to my mom and her doctors about getting her off the pain pump and my mom agreed to give it a shot. It seemed the radiation had helped and they got her pain under control. She was also seeing the physical therapist who showed her how to do these exercises in her bed to help build up muscle strength. It was nice to have conversations with my mom during that week without her nodding off or looking all doped up. I told her about the weeks before and she had virtually no memory of some of the events that took place. She didn’t even know that some people came and visited her and she had absolutely no memory of the night I brought to the emergency room…which was probably a good thing. I know that night be permanently burned into my mind. 
I hadn’t seen either of my aunts, at the hospital since I had that blowout with my Aunt Debbie about my brother and quite frankly, I was shocked. Knowing how close she was with my mom I would’ve thought she’d be multiple times a week, for hours on end. With the way I’ve seen them do things, I knew they were going to blame me for the reason they weren’t coming up that often. I was used to being their scapegoat, whipping girl at that point. My husband stayed out of all the drama but after My fight with Aunt Debbie, he tried to call her and explain the story and what was going on and in that convo, my aunt Debbie told him that she would come more often but she had to go home and feed her dogs after work. While i admit the hospital was a good 25 miles away from her, she could’ve made a little more of an effort to get there. Also, she has a grown ass, adult daughter who literally lives next door to her in an apartment she had built, on to her house, for her ex-inlaws. She could’ve helped out with feeding her dogs. It was just an excuse and a lame one at that. Instead she wound wait until aunt Bea and Uncle Bob were coming and she’d come with them. Not once did she drive out there by herself. I asked my mom almost everyday if anyone was coming and she said “no”, but that she “didn’t even care.”. While she said that she didn’t care, the way she said it told me that she really did care and was disappointed. 
That Thursday that proceeded Halloween I was sitting up in my mom’s room reading a magazine as she dozed off and all of the sudden I hear the shuffling of feet and jackets. I look up and my Aunt Bea, my aunt Debbie and my cousin Tina came walking in the room. At this point I really didn’t want to see any of them and so I started to get that anxious feeling in my gut. I wanted to just leave the room and for so many reasons. One being that the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and I didn’t want my mom to be stuck in the middle of it. As I said before I also didn’t want them to ha e any excuses as to why they didn’t come up there often. I didn’t want them to say that I was breathing down their necks, making them feel uncomfortable or robbing them of precious time with my mom. They had just as much of a right to be there as I did and they deserved to spend some “alone” time with her too. Lastly, I welcomed the break. I would be at the hospital everyday from the early to mid afternoon up until anywhere from 9:30 to 11:00 pm. No one was forcing me to be there but I just didn’t feel right knowing she was so scared and nervous, leaving her to sit in this depressing hospital alone! I said hello and then a few minutes later I excused myself to go downstairs to get a drink and smoke a cigarette.
As I rode down the elevator I realized that my Uncle Bob wasn’t with them. My Aunt Bea is one of those kinds of women who rely way too much on their husbands to do things for them. Aunt Bea hardly went anywhere without my uncle bob. There were several times my Aunts wanted to do a girl’s night out/sisters night and aunt Bea declined the invitation because she wouldn’t go without Uncle Bob. Aunt Bea never drove her car on the main highway that runs through the island in which we live on. She never had to pump her gas or go pickup takeout food. My Uncle Bob does all of those things for her and so when I was her there alone it certainly was weird. 
The parking lot was empty for the most part by that time of night and by process of elimination I assumed my Aunt Debbie was the chauffeur that night but when I looked around, her car was no where to be found. I shrugged it off and continued to make my way to my car when all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I noticed a car that looked exactly like Uncle Bob’s truck. I walked over to it and saw a sticker that helped confirm that it indeed was his car. I had my cigarette, called my husband, and hung around for a while knowing that their visits usually didn’t last longer than a half hour or hour, tops. 
On my way back in I decided to call my mom and ask her if she wanted anything from the cafeteria before it closed for the night. She told me she was ok and to just come back up to the room. As I stood there and waited for the elevator I heard the door to another elevator open up. I turned my head to look at it and out comes my Uncle Bob, all by himself. As he walked out I looked at him and our eyes got locked in direct contact with one another. I felt like we were two cowboy, gun slingers in the wild Wild West. My head followed him until he finally left my field of vision. He didn’t so much as grimace at me. It was as if we were two complete strangers with absolutely no connection to one another. At one point in my life I actually had a lot of respect for my uncle Bob but it was clear at that point that he didn’t have any for me. That day when I looked into his eyes, I saw him in a completely different way. He was a heartless, pussy ass, Bitch. 
I got back into the room and as I walked back in the rest of them shuffled out of the room. I could tell my mom was a little bit annoyed that I left because she made some comment that I was rude for leaving. As much as I didn’t like lying to her; I tried to play it off like I was just claustrophobic and anxious with so many people in the small space she was in (which was partially true). I felt it wouldn’t benefit either of us at that point by telling her my real reasons, but my mom was no idiot. You know that every single day when I went up to the hospital my mom would ask me, “did anyone from the family reach out to you?”, and everyday I’d reply, “no ma just [my oldest cohsin] and [my mom’s youngest sister], no one else.”. Just as I could read her, she could read me and she knew that there was more to the story and that’s why she would ask me, if they called. The last time she asked me that her reply to my answer was, “my family fucking sucks.”. I couldn’t even argue with that. 

That Friday I was at the hospital in the afternoon and came home to drop off my son. As I was getting ready to head back up to the hospital, I got a call from the palliative care director. Apparently the woman, who’s name was Linda, had a long talk with my mom that afternoon and afterwards she decided to call me. Our conversation was almost an hour long and I was really confused because it seemed like the main purpose of it was to light a fire under my ass to get a lawyer down to the hospital and have my mom sign power of attorney over to me. This woman knew the whole story about my brother and Satan and how my mom didn’t want Satan controlling any of her money. She said that she “strongly urged me to get it done ASAP. The funny part was; we were supposed to see the lawyer that day but we ended up having to cancel because my mom thought she was having some procedure done. After the palliative care meeting, my mom told me to call the lawyer who worked probono for cancer patients, that they had suggested and have him come into the hospital so she could have him re-write her will. She had a social worker call and follow up with me the next day and she too explained that there’s always one evil person in every family. Later on when I told my mom that I had spoken with the palliative care director, and what she said my mom tried to play it off like she didn’t tell the woman about my brother and Satan. I was really confused. The woman told me they had a conversation about it and my mom explained the whole story to her and how she was really worried for me. I don’t know why my mom would deny it. Maybe she was trying to just do damage control because she didn’t want them finding out about it. Regardless, I called him but he wasn’t available for another week and so I rescheduled with him for the following Thursday….
(To be continued in my next post) 

“He is planning my death” 

It was Halloween. My husband took off from work so I could attended the meeting at the hospital with the palliative care team. I felt really bad leaving my mom but I really wanted to be there for my son to go trick o treating. It was the first year he was actually aware and excited about Halloween. Normally I make his costumes but this year I had been too busy caring for my mom that it was the furthest thing from my mind. My husband brought him to the store and let him pick out his own costume and he picked out a scooby doo costume. 
My mom and I discussed the meeting and it felt real good when she told me, “you carried that entire meeting” and that she was proud of me. My mom was always supportive and would always tell us when we did a good job. She was totally ok with me leaving to bring my son trick o treating and so I did. Thankfully my son is only four and he wasn’t really in to walking for miles so I was only gone about an hour. Me and my husband drove back up to the hospital so my mom could see him dressed up. The hospital staff got a kick out of him. 
My son always lifted my mom’s spirits and so whenever I could, I wound bring him up to see her. I could tell there was some improvements. On Halloween she was actually able to use her phone again and she took pictures of my son in his costume from her hospital bed. A day or so prior to halloween while I was there her roommate was discharged. My mom had the worst part of the room. She was right next to the hallway and since most roomies prefer the room dividing curtain to be closed, my mom hadn’t seen the sun for over a week. I knew how much she loved to see the fall foliage and so I asked the nurses if we could switch her to the window side of the room. I thought that just seeing that the outside world still exists may actually help her and give her the drive and will to get better. I definitely noticed an improvement in her because of it. 
The window area was also more private, because you didn’t have people walking back and forth and I believe the privacy also played a big factor in making her less stressed out. As I said in an earlier post, my mom was very self conscious. People don’t realize that even though you’re sick, humility is still a factor to take into consideration. When you become so ill that you can no longer do simple things such as go to the bathroom, or walk, you are forced to sacrifice your humility. My mom wore false teeth. The year after my dad passed in 2006, she had to get all of her teeth pulled. From being on steroids and immunosuppressive drugs for about 15 years at that point in time, she had lost a lot of bone mass. Her jaw bone was starting to waste away and so all her teeth became loose. She had to get a full set of dentures. It was a very traumatic experience for her and I was there to hold her hand. It was hard to watch as she cried hysterically in the dentist chair. It took her a very long time to get adjusted to the teeth too. They were very awkward and uncomfortable at first and she couldn’t eat a lot of the foods she enjoyed because it was hard to chew. It was also hard to talk. I felt so bad for her but she always had to look at things like, have false teeth or be in dialysis or even worse, dead. Eventually she got used to them but when she had stayed in the hospital for the entire month of August, she refused to take them out. So for about 30 nights straight, she slept with them in her mouth. She had really bad sores and stuff and so it was during this stay that I finally got her to take them out. Every night I’d be the last one to leave the room no matter who came because I would help her get her teeth out, clean them up and set her up with some mouthwash and her glue for the next day. I’d like all the stuff up on the table that she’d need so she didn’t have to bother the nurses, and she could do everything herself. 
My husband stayed with us for about an hour and then brought my son to get dinner. At about 8:00pm my brother came strolling into the hospital room, surprisingly all by himself. Apparently Satan was sick. At this point in time I was so disgusted with him. I left the room to use the restroom and when I came back I saw him sitting in the chair looking at the forms we had been handed earlier that day. I came to find out later he asked my mom if she filled it out and she got annoyed and told him she just wanted to relax and not think about that kind of stuff. She told him she’d do it the next day. Personally I didn’t even want to look at the form because I didn’t want to imagine my mom in all of these horrible situations where I’d have to make a decision whether or not she lived. I hoped and prayed I’d never have to make such a choice and that was about it. 
Around 9:30pm he said he had to go. I stayed for about another hour to hour and a half. I helped my mom get cleaned up for bed and I went home. I had been home for about 10 minutes when I get a frantic text from my mom’s neighbor who was watching her dogs. She was completely freaked out. She told me someone was in my mom’s house and they moved stuff around. I couldn’t believe it. I ran right out my door and drove over there. When I got there I see her coming across the street with a flashlight in her hand. Apparently she had fed the dogs around 7:30. At around 11:00 or so she saw what she thought was a Dodge Charger, pulling out of my mom’s driveway, but just chalked it up to someone using her driveway to make a U-turn, which was a common thing seeing that she is the second house on the block. She went into the house and right way noticed stuff was out of place. There was stuff on her kitchen counter that was moved. Lights that she knew she had shut off, had been turned on and there was a black portfolio case sitting on the coffee table in my mom’s den, which wasn’t there earlier. As she’s telling me the story she starts crying and I could see she was visibly shaken. She knew it wasn’t me who was in the house because her and I communicated. Every time I went there I would let her know so I didn’t alarm her. I knew there was only one other person besides me and my husband who have keys to my moms house and that is my brother. 
Back in August when I figured out that my brother and Satan were in my mom’s safe, I set the dial to a specific number so that I knew if it was not on that number, clearly someone was in it. I caught them on the 19th of October and again on the 31st. Sure enough the number was moved both times which clearly means they were in the safe. I didn’t understand what it was that they were looking for. Everything else in the house seemed undisturbed except for the few things that she showed me. We talked for about an hour and a half that night. She explained how she was so scared thinking it was Halloween and someone was messing with my moms house. She was really shook up from it. 
When she left I felt too spooked to stay there and investigate and so the next morning I came back. I opened the safe and sure enough I could see someone had gone through it again. This time they left the copy of my mom’s will out of the packet that it was in. I opened up the packet and took out my mom’s will and sure enough, it looked all disheveled. It was all dirty on the back and I could tell someone had folded over the nice crisp pages and left a crease in it. I knew it wasn’t me. To me that indicated that someone had possibly taken it and had it photocopied. I wasn’t sure why the other stuff was moved around either, especially the portfolio case.
I couldn’t make sense of it all and then it hit me. My brother completely lied to us that night. He left the hospital at about 9:30 and said he was going home but apparently that wasn’t the case. Instead he went to my moms house. I didn’t want to cause trouble but because the girl was so shook up I wanted to let my mom know that my brother should just let one of us know that if he was going to her house for any reason, to let either me or her know. I went straight to the hospital and asked my mom if she knew that my brother went to the house that night and she told me no she didn’t. 
She called him up as I was standing there and asked him if he was at her house the night prior. She looks up at me and I hear her saying back to him, “oh you weren’t?”. She looked over to me and mouthed the word, “lying!”. A few seconds later, silly him, he remembered that he did in fact go to her house and the reason he gave was so that he could check to see if she had any bills that needed paying. When she hung up the phone she looked at me with this disappointed face and said, “he lied…” and then she asked, “did he go in the safe again?”. I didn’t want to upset her but I had to tell her the truth. I told her that was it. I was going to remove all of the paperwork that was in there and she told me, “good, do it.”. She then said something to me that I will never forget. She first asked me why I thought he kept going in there. I didn’t have the heart to say why, and so I replied, “I don’t know, ma.”. That was when she said to me, “I know why, he is planning my death.”. 
(To be continued in my next post) 

How do we stay abreast? Adventure in palliative care. 

It was reaching Halloween now and my mom was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks by this point in time. It is really hard taking care a sick person and also being the mother of a young child. It was the first year my son was truly excited about Halloween. He learned all songs in his preschool class and was singing the ghostbusters theme, day and night. I felt terrible but I couldn’t even think straight and I had no idea what to dress him up as. That was completely not normal for me. Usually I make his costumes but this year I just didn’t have the time or imagination to do it. My husband ended up bringing him to the store and he picked out a scooby doo costume. 
Before I could worry about Halloween, I had to get through this meeting with the palliative care team at the hospital. By this time they were starting to get my mom somewhat stabilized. Her pain seemed to be better from the radiation and it was under control. The first week and a half was extremely scary and my friend Kathy who was a nurse in my mom’s unit told me that a lot of that had to do with the fact that she was on an extremely high dose of pain medication which was making her seem a bit loopy and out of it. I spoke with her and her doctors about possibly getting her off the pain pump and back on to regular injections every 4-6 hours. The meds were making her so out of it she couldn’t even navigate through her phone. It was really weird that week or so not being able to text with her like I normally did. I still text her even though I wasn’t even sure if she could read it. I just wanted to reassure her that I’m there and give her some words of encouragement and hope. 
The doctors weren’t sure what to do with her once they did get her stabilized. There was no way in hell she was going to be able to go home and care for herself seeing that she couldn’t even get out of bed or walk. This was all part of the purpose of the palliative care meeting. We were going to discuss our concerns, her concerns and what her options would be in the future. 
I got to the hospital before my brother did that morning and I headed up to my mom’s room. My brother came walking in with a pad and pen as if he was some big shot who was super concerned with my mom’s welfare, all of the sudden. It just fucking annoyed me that he comes in during the 11th inning and all of the sudden acted like he was the once taking care of her or something. It was so phony. I saw right through it and it was clear his wife had him completely under her control at this point. I prepared myself for a lot of eye rolling that day. 
I left my ledger and quill pen at home that day and so I decided to record the meeting on my phone. Prior to then I had been recording all of my mom’s doctors appointments too. To anyone out there who is helping care for a sick parent or relative, may I suggest you do the same? I found it to be a big help, especially because when you’re there and you’re in the moment, you tend to forget things that are said. It’s nice to have the doctors exact words to refer back to. 
The doctors started off by asking us if we had any questions and right away my brother jumps in sounding all professional, reading out of his notebook, “what’s the current goal for the treatment? He went on to explain that because my mom was so heavily medicated, she isn’t always understanding. He was wrong. She understood perfectly. She understood all too well and she knew it wasn’t sounding good. It’s funny he even had to ask that question. If he dedicated more than 20 minutes a day to being there, he probably would know what was going on. The doctors told us they’d come back to that question but for now they wanted to know what others questions we had. I told the doctors I was up to speed because I spent all day and night up there. My brother interjected, “well I’m not up to speed because I’m not here all of the time.”. Then he starts going on he wants to know what the goal is of palliative care, and how things were going to be proceeding with her treatment. He paused and then said, “I also wanted to get an idea of what she’s looking for so that everyone is on the same page as far as……..she……….you know…..would want us to do for her if she’s not able to do things for herself.” The room got quiet. There was a doctor from the palliative care team and two social workers sitting with us. None of them said a word in response to his questions. Once again he’s referencing the healthcare proxy shit. I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to comprehend that those are not the types of questions that you have in front of a group of strangers. 

The doctors didn’t really respond to what he said and instead I jumped in and told her I had questions about her meds and stuff. The doctor the. Turned to my mom and asked her if she had any questions and her questions was, “I’m just wondering how I am ever going to sit up and get out of here.”. For the next half hour we addressed her medical situation. The fact that her pain wasn’t fully controlled, that her kidney failed and she needed to do dialysis, the fact that she couldn’t walk or use the the bathroom anymore, were all things that would need to be addressed before she was discharged. They also encouraged us to start making a discharge plan this way we weren’t blindsided but from where we stood at that point, it didn’t look like a discharge was coming any time soon. What made her situation way more complex was that she lived on her own. She would either have to go to a rehab center or home with a fulltime aide which wouldn’t be covered by insurance. Prior to the meeting I had told my mom that she was more than welcome to come live with us and that my husband and I would care for her.
My mom was still kind of out of it from the pain meds and wasn’t able articulate herself as well as she normally does and so I basically remembered a lot of the concerns she has over the past two weeks, that she had shared with me and so I tried to voice those for her. My brother was relatively quiet during this portion of the discussion. She had a long road ahead it seemed. They had to get her pain under control first. They explained that the radiation would take some time to take effect. It had only been a week and it could take up to two weeks to take full effect. The other issue was the fact that she couldn’t walk and her muscles wasted away quite a bit in the short two weeks she was there. She would have to be evaluated by a physical therapist before leaving and she’d have to be able to sit up and support her own weight, in the bed, which she was unable to do at this point in time. 
After most of the medical issues were addressed there was a long pause. My mom sounded was about to ask another question when my brother interjected once again…”I have a question….about when we should start the discussions….I know she had a healthcare proxy form…..filled out which I guess was my sister but like, I don’t know if it was ever done, but I don’t think we had a discussion as to what your…….what your wish actually are…”. I was so sick of those god damn healthcare proxy shit already. It was starting to get insulting and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he kept harping on it. For three years he had no problem with me doing everything when it came to her and for the past year of her being sick, he did nothing. Now all of the sudden he is worried what her wishes were? Did he think I’d make some type of irresponsible decision? If he was so concerned why did he wait two weeks to ask her, in front of a group of strangers? Why not ask her when you’re sitting in the room with her. I had suggested several times that just him and I sit down with her and discuss her “wishes” but he ignored me every time I suggested it. Now he wanted to know? 
I watched my moms face and immediately she shot me this annoyed look. I knew this was something she was uncomfortable discussing at all, let alone in front of these people. Whether or not she was going to be resuscitated in an emergency situation, wasn’t exactly her biggest concern at that point in time. Although my mom and I never had those specific kinds of discussions, I think she believed they weren’t necessary because she trusted my judgment and pending on all the circumstances, I’d make the best decision for her. I didn’t need to know exactly what she wanted. I know that if there was a chance of her fully recovering and having a good quality of life, she’d want to be revived but if she was looking at a hard life of suffering or being a vegetable, she’d rather go in peace. It’s that simple.
My brother kept insisting and my mom said she didn’t know. She’d have to see a list or something. Knowing my mom the way I do, she probably only mentioned the list because she didn’t want to talk about it and she figured there would be no list so that would end the conversation. To her surprise though, the social worker explained that there was a list and as she was explaining it my mom just kept saying, “ok, great! Ok, great!”. When she does that, that’s her way of politely telling you to shut the fuck up and change the subject. I know because she did it to me all of the time! 😂😂😂. 
The social worker then mentioned that there’s also something called a power of attorney and that’s more for financial stuff. Should my mom be unable to take care of her own finances at any point in time, a power of attorney would be able to do things of that nature for her. They could pay bills, transfer money, and write checks and stuff. As she’s explaining that, my brother jumps in and says, “and it will probably be a good idea to get you to an eldercare attorney……again, to protect you.”. Personally I don’t think he had any interest in protecting her because realistically, how does an elder care attorney protect their client? Eldercare attorneys only protect them by writing wills and trusts. Once the client dies their job is to protect the estate and the heirs, not their client. He wanted her to get to an eldercare attorney to protect HIS best interests which was HER money! I believe his issue with the healthcare proxy stuff wasn’t an issue at all but a way to segway into talking about an eldercare lawyer. He knew if he brought up just the eldercare lawyer it would make him look greedy so he wanted to use the healthcare proxy as a way to make it look like he was concerned about her, first and foremost. My brother has always been greedy and selfish. He has always been all about himself and what he wants and so he wanted to make sure he got his half of the inheritance and that was his number one concern the whole time. My concern was getting her to a place where she’s comfortable, not in pain and can preserve at least some quality of life. At that moment in time, healthcare proxies, power of attorneys and all that other shit could wait… especially seeing that she already had all of them. That’s what was in the safe with her will. My brother knew that too. 

The meeting was coming to a close and the doctors and social workers asked us if we had anymore questions. I felt like all of my questions were answered at that point but of course my brother had some. I remember seeing this meme on Facebook one time that read, “look at that bitch eating her crackers over there like she owns the place!”. It’s basically poking fun at the fact that once you are angry or annoyed with someone you find everything they do offensive, even something as simple as eating a cracker. I don’t know if my brother had become my bitch eating crackers or what but he really just fucking irked me the way he spoke and carried himself. He asks the doctors, “so who can we speak with to stay abreast of the situation.”. The immature 16 year old in me wanted to laugh out loud and say, “ha, ha! You said a breast!” but I held back, but I mean really? Who speaks like that? The doctors are not expecting their patients to have their doctorate in the English language. Speaking like that made him look like a pompous asshole. His next question was really a doozy. He asked, “what type of questions do people usually ask in these types of situations?”. I mean really? Can we keep the rhetorical nonsense to a dull roar!? That’s a stupid question. 

The meeting ended and my mom asked me to get someone to clean her up. When I came back in she was looking at the paperwork that the social worker handed to us. One was the form for resuscitation and the other was the name of a lawyer that had a grant to work with Cancer patients. Back when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer I was on the phone with one of my aunts and she asked me if my mom had a will. I told her yes, that she did and that my brother was the executor. Knowing everything that had transpired between Satan and us and how my mom said she wanted to change it to make me the executor, she asked me if my mom ever had it changed. To my knowledge at the time she didn’t and so my aunt urged me to talk to her about it ASAP. I explained to my aunt that I felt uncomfortable bringing that stuff up to her. That was almost 8 months prior to this day and I STILL couldn’t find the heart to bring it up to her. I figured that if and when she wanted to discuss it with me, she would. Up until August when I caught my brother and Satan in my mom’s safe, I too thought my brother was the executor of my mom’s will. When I finally saw her will, it named my Aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie as executors. I thought perhaps there was something written in there that said something to the effect of if my brother and I weren’t adults when my parents passed away, that my aunts would be executors but it didn’t. They were the only ones named as executors. The will was written in 1996 and both him and I were still minors. It was that day in the hospital that I brought it up to my mom for the very first time. I informed her that she had all those things we previously discussed and that it named Aunt Bea and Aunt Debbie. My mom responded by saying, “oh.” That was it. After what I had saw and heard in those two weeks I told her that she should change it. She told me that she thought I should be in control of her stuff but she wanted to tell my brother the truth. The truth was that she did not trust his wife and didn’t want her taking control of her stuff. It was absolutely nothing personal against him.
This was only the first part of the day. I was starting to get very concerned with what my brother and his evil wife were up to and the next few weeks would prove that my concerns were very legit. 
(To be continued in my next post)