The dress heard round the world. (Part 5)

(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense). 
I had showed my brother the dress I got to wear for his wedding. He showed about as much interest in it as I show when he tells me about his comic book characters. Before I go on, I have to put this all into perspective. My brother and Satan had hardly known one another for six entire months before they got engaged. I had only met Satan a handful of times. I could probably count my encounters with her one two hands. Most of those times we were at parties or other social functions and didn’t have one-on-one time with her. The few times we had one-on-one time it was her talking at me (not to me) and me just sitting there stunned that someone can talk this much but have nothing substantial to say. On top of that, this was her THIRD wedding. It was by all intents and purposes, a small wedding. The actual wedding ceremony was taking place at the same place as their reception. The guest list consisted of mainly MY family because Satan isn’t in contact with most of her family and all she has is a few “friends” and co-workers. It was a Valentine’s Day wedding (barf) because of course, what narcissist wouldn’t want to be the object of everyone’s affection on a national holiday!? I wasn’t asked to be in their bridal party and so I went out and purchased a dress as if I were just another guest at their wedding. I had just lost all my baby weight and finally felt comfortable in my skin again and wanted to wear something that flattered my body. I had every right to pick my own dress out. 
My brother left my house that day and I had called my mom to tell her all the shy he talked about her. He was complaining to me that my mom didn’t offer any money to help fund their wedding! I tried to explain to him that when I was still planning a wedding (my husband and I sort of eloped at town hall because I got pregnant while we were planning our wedding and needed his health insurance) my mom also didn’t offer any money to pay for my wedding either. I explained that “traditionally” the bride’s parents usually pay (if they can) and the grooms parents don’t contribute that much but that didn’t stop him from thinking my mom should kick in at least a couple thousand because Satan’s mom was giving them $20k or so. As you can imagine, my mom was pissed. He had already told her he thought she should be paying and now he was complaining about it to me. 
As we are talking I receive a text from him. I tell my mom to hold on so I could read it. It says, “I like that dress……but how long is it?”. Here we go again, “my brother” is all concerned about my fashion. I was STUNNED. My mom told me to write back, “I don’t know, I didn’t measure it!”. I mean it’s just ridiculous. Now it all made sense to me. Typically my brother doesn’t just show up at my house for no reason. He always has a purpose, whether it’s to ask me something or to tell me something. He never just shows up for no reason and that day, he came to see the dress. Luckily I pulled it out before he had to ask but if I didn’t pull it out that day, he eventually would’ve asked. I know it. Satan sent him here to scope it out. 
After my sarcastic reply he comes back and tells me, “I don’t know, I think it’s inappropriate…” he went on to lecture me about appropriate wedding attire for women and tell me how usually women wear dresses that are knee length. I was SHOCKED! I didn’t know when my brother became an expert in women’s wedding attire but I was seriously annoyed. I sent him a picture of me in my dress and showed him that it sat an inch above my knees. He then proceeded to tell me that it looked like lingerie and that it was inappropriate and he asked me to get a new dress. I politely tried to back him off. I told him that the dress had passed the 21 day return policy mark and that I had already spent $200 and couldn’t afford to spend more….. He kept pushing telling me he’d prefer if I wore a different dress to his wedding because I was going to be in their wedding album, insinuating that I was going to somehow ruin their photos with my “inappropriate dress”. 
After the comment about the photos I lost my shit! I will take responsibility here, I have a sharp tongue. When I get angry, hurt or offended, I sort of get verbal diarrhea! At this point in time I just had enough with his “soon-to-be wife” (that was Satan referred to herself as during their short engagement period. After they got engaged and told my mom, she showed me a photo of the engagement ring in which I had never seen. Just trying to be nice, I complimented the ring and asked him where he got it. He didn’t answer me that day. The next day he wrote back and thanked me and I asked one more time where he got it….that was it. He called my mom up and told her to tell me to stop asking questions about the ring! My mom calls me and she’s all pissy with me asking why I am prying into my brother’s personal business and why I keep asking about the ring. Apparently, it was “upsetting his soon-to-be wife”. I sent her screen shots of the two times I asked where he got it. He told me it was custom made, a tiffany’s replica and so I just wanted to know where you can get that done. That’s all! He told my mom I was trying to find out how much he paid for it. I never asked any such questions. Between that, him telling my mom she should be paying for their wedding and now my dress, we were both starting to see the writing on the wall. My brother was marrying bridezilla! 
I went off on my brother and told him straight up that I knew it wasn’t HIM that was really concerned about my dress and that if his wife wanted to control my attire she should’ve put me in her bridal party. I also told him that he sounded like a puppet and I was really upset. As he came back, still harping about me getting a new dress, I told him his wife was looking really insecure and that if she had a problem she should be the one to come to my house or call me about it instead of using him as her megaphone. I now know this is a common tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths alike, know as “triangulation”. They will pin two people against one another by way of an object or third person, therefore creating a triangle of misery! 
I got the hint Satan didn’t care much for me, long before their engagement, but she never really had a good opportunity to really offend me. There were a few small things that happened along the way that let me know, I was nearing the top of her shit list. For instance, she had made a comment once in front of my husband when we were over there helping my brother move his bed in so Satan’s daughter could sleep on it. I waited out in the car because my infant son was sleeping. She tells my brother, “oh, I have to invite your mom and your sister to my jewelry party”. She goes to hand my husband my invitation and then she says, “on second thought, she probably won’t want to come.” She never handed him or me the invitation. In fact she ended up inviting my mom but not me. We laugh about this but she we think it all started because of a pair of shoes I wore to a BBQ at her house. It was our first time attending a get together at her house, shortly after my brother moved in. I wore a flowy sundress and a pair of wedge heels. She walked us up the steps to her back balcony to the second floor of her house and she sees my shoes and asks me, “why are you wearing heels?”. My husband answered and says, “my wife always wears heels!”. She then went on to tell me that I shouldn’t be wearing them, that I was going to fall and hurt myself. She was insisting I borrow a pair of her flip flops. I politely declined by telling her my feet were a 91/2 and her flip flops probably wouldn’t fit me. It was so weird. I couldn’t figure out why she was so bothered by my footwear. 
Anyway, after her other failed attempts to piss me off, she used the dress as means to rid me from my brother’s life. I remember seeing this quote in a video on YouTube, “Narcissists hate those they cannot control”. My true belief about her is that she’s a malignant narcissist, meaning she’s a narcissist with sociopathic/psychopathic traits. MN’s, sociopaths and psychopaths have a very good read on other people. I think she realized from the second time I met her, that I could see right through her, that I was the person who would be able to expose her and somehow convince my brother that she was no good. The sooner she got rid of me the better and so she used the dress to get me and my brother in a fight. 
I told my brother that I didn’t have to be in his photos or even come to his wedding for that matter. Maybe it was a bit harsh but I wasn’t about to have to walk on eggshells with yet another one of his girlfriends. I did it for six years with his ex who at times could be a little overly sensitive, and I wasn’t about to do it for some girl that I hardly knew. 
Things got real ugly after these texts about my dress. This is when I became sincerely concerned about my brother and realized that he was really scared of his “soon-to-be wife”. I had seen little hints here and there. For instance, my brother started smoking cigarettes again after he broke up with his ex. About a month into their relationship, Satan quit smoking and expected him to quit as well. He didn’t and so every time he’d see me he’d be bumming cigarettes off me, and ducking out in the corners where she couldn’t see him. There was this one specific time I got in the car with him and he had just smoked a cigarette and was about to drop me off and head to her house. He puts his cigarette out and gets in the car. Before he starts driving, he opens his center console and starts pulling out all these things to cover up the cigarette smell. He pops a piece of gum in and bathed himself in antibacterial lotion, even rubbing some on his face. Then he pulls out some Axe body spray and is dousing himself in it. I looked at him and said, “what the hell are you doing?”. He told me he was covering up the cigarette smell so she didn’t smell it. I jokingly said, “well isn’t she going to think it’s weird that your face smells like antibacterial lotion?” We both laughed but then I seriously asked him, “what’s the big deal if you smoke?”. He answered me, “you don’t understand, she will KILL ME if she knew I was smoking.”. While there’s no question that smoking is a horrible, nasty, disgusting, disease causing habit, what’s the big deal? I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell her he messed up or was having trouble quitting and I expressed that him and all he said was, “you don’t understand, she will KILL ME.” That troubled me for many reasons. One being that they had just started dating. I found it a bit strange that someone would have that much control over someone that early on in the relationship. I also found it scary that my brother was afraid to expose a weakness in front of her. I got the sense that he had probably already done so and it didn’t go so well. Looking back now that was when it all started. 
To be continued in my next post. 

Trouble in paradise (Part 4)

(Before reading this post make sure you check out my first few posts.)
It was my mom’s birthday at the end of July that year. My brother was so wrapped up with Satan and his new living situation that he completely forgot her birthday. Three weeks later I finally decided to call him up and remind him. Satan was keeping him plenty busy. I didn’t think things were going to work out. At least I hoped they wouldn’t. 

There were things here and there that troubled me. For starters, every time I did see them together, my brother just seemed uncomfortable around her. He wasn’t acting like himself. I knew the relationship was new but it was strange. It was like he was afraid to be himself. My brother is shy with strangers but to those who know him, he’s actually quite entertaining. He’s a total jokester. In fact me and him both are. There was never a shortage of laughs when we hung out but now with Satan around he wasn’t his normal funny self. Even when she wasn’t around he was acting strange. I sort of started to avoid him. I tried hard not to make it obvious. If he wanted to hang out I’d tell him I had something else to do. Every time I was with him and she wasn’t around it was like he was in this trance. He’d be on his phone constantly texting her. You see Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and even borderlines are all very insecure people. They cannot take when their victim’s attention is else where. Even when they aren’t around, they need to make sure they need to have your undivided attention at ALL TIMES. 
My mom caught wind of my avoidance of my brother and she told me it wasn’t right and that I should answer his calls and hang out with him. I tried to explain to her that every time I tried, I spent most of the time talking to myself, like this one time that he called me up on a whim and asked if he could stop over at my house. I told him I had some errands to run but he was more than welcome to tag along. He got in my car and right then I could tell something was wrong. Again he was staring at his phone the entire time and wasn’t talking much. I never before felt awkward with my brother but the awkward silence was bothering me and so I tried to fill it by making small talk. I would say something and either get no response or a short one word response as he stared at his phone, texting her. I can’t explain it but my brother just seemed to be in this constant state of anxiety ever since he and her started dating. We went to a few stores so I could pick up some stuff I needed for my son who was an infant, at the time. After about an hour or so of the uncomfortable silence, my brothers phone rang. It was her, Satan. I could tell by his short, one word answers and the multiple “whatevers” that something was wrong. 

He hung up the phone and shook his head and finally I asked what was bothering him. 
I think that was what he was waiting for because when I asked, it was like this sense of relief came over him and he started to spill the beans. He told a story about what happened that morning. Apparently Satan’s daughter went away to summer camp. She didn’t feel like doing her project for camp the next day which was to make a costume of some sort. Satan told her that if she didn’t want to do her “homework” that she better not wake up the next day and tell her she didn’t feel like going to camp. Satan and my brother had plans to spend the day at the beach, alone. Sure enough the next morning came and her daughter didn’t want to go to camp. That’s when my brother told me that shit got crazy. He said “Satan started flipping out. She was throwing dishes and screaming that they were ALL spoiled brats in the house and she was sick of EVERYONE.”. My brother had a few quick errands to run that morning and Satan tells the daughter that she’s going to have to go with him. My brother politely told her he didn’t want her to come along because he just wanted to get things done quick. Satan flipped out and told him everyone in the house is spoiled. They had plans to go to the beach when he was done but when he came back, she was gone. She left for the beach without him and she wouldn’t answer her phone. He was being punished. 
My brother started to unload. They had only been living together for a few short weeks and there was already some serious trouble in paradise. My brother told me that she would flip out sometimes for no reason. That her anger sometimes didn’t match what she was angry about. He said she was very moody and bossy, that she had him constantly doing stuff and when he was doing stuff for her, she would breathe down his neck and criticize him the whole way through and tell him he was doing it wrong. His exact words were that he felt like he was living with our father again. 
That was one of the few times I was with him and they were fighting. My brother was scared of his girlfriend, that was clear.

 Like I mentioned earlier, my mom wasn’t understanding my avoidance of my brother. She didn’t get it until one day when her and I were out shopping at Walmart and he called me to see what I was doing. My mom and I were going to head out to a diner after Walmart with my husband and son. My brother showed up at Walmart and walked around with us as we shopped. Again he was quiet and focused on his phone the whole time. We got back to my mom’s house where we met my husband. We all sat in her kitchen, shooting the shit for a while. My husband was trying to talk to my brother about the latest Yankee game and my brother was so entranced into his phone that he didn’t even respond to a word my husband said. My mom, my husband and myself all looked at one another like, “what’s going on?”. I positioned myself behind my brother so I could read his phone, over his shoulder. Sure enough he was engulfed in a text battle with Satan. 
We all decided to leave and head over to the diner. My mom went in the car with my brother and me and my husband went in our own car. On the way to the diner, we were talking about how odd my brother was acting and speculating as to whether or not they were fighting. Once we got to the diner he was still very quiet but he at least put his phone in his pocket. It wasn’t long though until it started buzzing. He got up and excused himself from the table, to go to the rest room. While he was gone my mom informed us that she had said something to him in the car. She told him that my husband was trying to talk to him and he was just ignoring him. He was taking a while in the bathroom and when he came back, he put his phone back in his pocket. 
Clearly there was trouble in paradise. It was sad my brother didn’t know to soak up as much time with us as he could, while he still could because in the days and weeks to come, things were going to change…..big time. 

Peeling the onion…..(part 3)

Onions make you cry. Narcissists make you cry even more. I remember in my college acting class my professor told me about “peeling the onion”.  The actor needs to peel away each layer to reveal another. The same thing happens with a narcissist. This is why narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths alike must rush all their relationships. They must anchor you down before the mask slips. 

Slowly but surely, as an outsider looking into an unhealthy, rushed relationship of a loved one and a narcisssit, you will notice the layers slowly peeling away. You can also use that metaphor for the victims because slowly but surely their freedom, independence and autonomy is being peeled away. As an outsider looking in, it’s like watching a car wreck in slow motion. 

A little less than a year prior to meeting Satan (the Narcissist) my brother had gotten out of a 6 year long relationship. He was still vulnerable. He was still not 100% over what happened to him. His ex was cheating on him, with her boss, for the last two years of their relationship. He was still mourning the loss. He was still rebuilding himself. One of the ways in which he did so was by refurnishing the apartment he shared with her. She had moved out and he agreed to keep paying the lease. He purged. He redecorated their once feminine apartment and made it look like a bonafide bachelor pad. His ex had left almost everything behind. I guess her shame wouldn’t allow her to ask for things back. She packed her shit up in less than a day and was gone. She only took her personal belongings like clothing, jewelry and toiletries and left all furniture and housewares behind. 

My brother was nervous about cancelling his lease. He was hardly making the rent by himself. He was scared the leasing company was going to penalize him for breaking the lease early. Thankfully, Satan had a solution. She demanded that he contact his ex and tell her to pay the fees for the early cancellation of the lease. She made my brother call her and rightfully so, she told him there was no way in hell she was going to pay. As much as I disliked his ex at the time for what she did to him, human to human, I had to let my brother know that it wasn’t fair to make her responsible for his cancellation fees. All in all, he had agreed to finish out the lease. Legally I don’t know if his verbal agreement was binding but morally he agreed to finish it out. 

My brother was really nervous about having to come up with this extra money that he didn’t have. He also was a bit upset about losing his security fee but he told Satan he was going to cancel his lease anyway. Convieniently in the middle of him making this decision, he called me one day and told me he got laid off from his job. I asked him how many other people were laid off and his answer troubled me, “no one….. just me.”. He had to fill out his papers for unemployment benefits and I told him he needed to call his job and ask them whether he was laid off or fired. Any discrepancy in the paperwork could hold up his money. If he wrote he was “laid off” and his former employer said he was “fired”, it would cause him a huge problem and possibly prevent him from even getting his benefits. I told him to reach out to his manager and ask. It couldn’t hurt. Sure enough his manager emailed him back and told him the reason he was “fired” was because his excessive lateness to work in the recent months. He was warned about it in the weeks prior to his departure but he continuted to be late. My brother hadn’t been fired from a job since he was 16. Now at 36 years old, he suddenly cannot get himself to work on time? He wasn’t just 10-15 minutes late. He was showing up a half hour-45 minutes late everyday. 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that Satan was behind this. I found the timing of his job loss to be waaaaaaaay too coincidental. Here he was, trying to decide if he was going to cancel his lease and move in to her house and he’s worried about money and fees and stuff. Satan called the leasing office at his complex and worked out a deal. So long as they can get the apartment rented within a short amount of time, my brother wouldn’t have to pay any penalties. If there was any doubts on my brother’s behalf about moving in to her home, she just erased them. Without a job he wouldn’t be able to keep his apartment anyway so it’s either move back home with mom, or sell your soul to the devil. He chose the devil. 

The one thing Satan has to back her up is money. It seems as if she has an endless supply. She sells insurance and while I think she probably makes a decent salary, I also believe she has other sources. One being her ex-husband. He’s an executive for a company that owns a popular ice cream parlor chain. He probably makes well into the six figure range. Well she’s no dummy. She made sure to get pregnant with his kid. That’s his one and only kid. He never remarried. Never had more kids. I assume it’s because Satan completely tarnished his view of women. He’s probably too traumatized to date again. Anyway, I assume she gets a good 17% of his salary and doesn’t have to reach into her own pocket EVER to care for their daughter. 
My brother moved in with Satan in late June of 2013, 3 months after meeting her. Satan told him he didn’t need to bring ANYTHING to her house. She had it all. I sat back and watch him sell off all the new furniture we had just picked out in the months and weeks prior. He came to my house one day with a box of kitchenware. My brother loves to cook. Over the years he acquired lots of kitchen gadgets. He divided them up between me and my mom and whatever we didn’t need, he threw in the garbage. Everything was either sold or dumped. 

EVERYTHING.I went to his house to help him pack up the rest of what was left. He was acting really strange that day. It was like he was in a frenzy to get rid of his stuff. He filled up the dumpster with furniture and housewares and he threw away so much stuff the the superintendent of his apartment complex yelled at him for taking up too much of the dumpster. He was throwing away some good stuff. It was strange. He didn’t want to take the time to bother and see if anyone else could use it or if he could donate it to a Salvation Army, he just wanted it gone. I was insisting he keep some of it and he told me, “Satan doesn’t want me bringing any extra stuff there.” I bagged up some stuff that I knew was important to him and brought it over to my mom’s house to put in her attic. When all was said and done my brother got rid of everything he worked so hard for, for the last 6-7 years. All he brought to her house was his clothing and toiletries. She let him bring over his new dresser that he had just purchased and she put it in an extra bedroom, so he can store his clothing. The only other housewares she allowed was his bed in which she gave to her pre-teen daughter. That one still disturbs me. He used to sleep with his ex on that bed. Now her daughter is sleeping in it? That’s just weird. 
After he was all moved in she started to slowly but surely erase any shred of his independence, starting with his phone. She told him he was over paying for it and that she got a better deal with her service provider and so he cancelled his phone contract and signed onto hers. The next thing to go was his car. She told him his transmission was going, because you know, Satan is a mechanic (along with every other profession in the world). His car wasn’t even 5 years old. The transmission was FINE. 
When all was said and done, Satan now owned my brother. He was jobless, carless, furnitureless, phoneless, identityless. He couldn’t leave her, even if he wanted to, he would have to start completely over. He would have to rebuild his entire life. It would be him, his clothes and toiletries; and a brand new dresser. THAT’S IT. 

To be continuted in my next post. 

Along came Satan. (Part 2)

From this point out in this blog I will refer to the narcissist as Satan. It’s a fitting name for a creature like her. 

My brother had been single for almost a year. He had dated around but one day decided he wasn’t fully over his ex-fiancé of 6 years and he wanted to work on himself before getting into a serious relationship again. It was exactly three weeks later when he called me up on a Sunday morning and told me he met this really hot girl at a St. Patrick’s day celebration in a town that was almost two hours away from where we lived. He didn’t get the girls number that night and he was kicking himself for it the next day. 

A week later I got another phone call and he told me I wouldn’t even believe it. The hot girl from St. Patrick’s day, showed up at his local weekend hangout spot. At the time I thought nothing of this innocent coincidence. This time he told me he got her number and he wanted to take her out on a date. Their first date turned into him staying the night with her and from that point on they were hanging out almost daily.Right off the bat he spoke so highly of this girl. She was intelligent, motivated and very successful. She seemed to have her head on straight and she was basically the polar opposite of his ex, who was one of those people who went to college for way longer than they had to and was constantly on a search to find their true calling. 

At the time my brother was working a full time job and taking college courses to finish up his degree. He had dropped out of college almost a decade prior and decided in his early 30’s to switch his major and get his degree. During the love bombing phase of this new relationship he was up all hours of the night with her. He started doing all his studying and homework at her house and then they’d be up all night doing things I probably don’t want to even think about! 

There were things in the beginning that really didn’t sit right with me. Before I go on I should preface this with a little personal story. In my late teens/early 20’s I was in an emotionally, (and on two occaisions, physically abusive) relationship. My exboyfriend was extremely jealous and very controlling. It was the first serious relationship I had ever really been in, and so I had nothing to compare it to. I was young and naive. When I finally realized what was going on, (via my best friend sharing her concerns about my boyfriend’s crazy behavior with my mom) I broke up with him. After we had broken up I will never forget reading this article in Cosmopolitian magazine. It was about emotionally abusive relationships. In the article they discussed some of the warning signs. One being that relationships with abusive people usually move at a very fast pace and are very intense right from the get go. That one red flag stood out to me because it was a warning sign I don’t think most people would pick up on. There’s a reason people say that you can be “blinded by love”. I swear the person who coined that phrase was most likely in a relationship with an abusive, manipulative, cluster B*, personality disordered person. When someone is showering you with so much praise and attention, right off the gate, it’s hard to see past that, but it’s an important sign to proceed with caution. 

Anyway, once I was made aware of the red flags, they were signs that I tried to pay attention to, not only in my own relationships but in the relationships of the people around me. I noticed my brothers relationship was moving extremely fast. After only two weeks of dating, my brother brought up in conversation one day that he knew I was going to think it was crazy, but he and Satan had already started discussing him possibly moving in, in the future. That concerned me very much, but I tried to give their relationship the benefit of the doubt. 

I slowly but surely started hearing other things that concerned me. Once being that his new love seemed to be collecting Intel on him from various, “secret” sources. She had told him that a good friend of his went to her gym and that the friend was giving her the scoop on my brother’s personal life. My brother himself even thought this one was strange. I remember being on the phone it’s him racking our brains out as to who this secret friend could be. She would not reveal the name. 

The other concern of mine was the fact that she had a daughter from a previous marriage. At first she had told my brother it would be months and months before he would meet her daughter because she didn’t want her daughter getting attached to yet another guy who wasn’t going to be in it for the long haul. She wanted to make sure he was serious before she did anything. She gained a point in my book when he told me that. I thought it was good that she was putting her daughter’s wellbeing before her own and that was admirable, but then it was exactly three days after she gave him that whole big speech that she introduced the two of them. Somehow in those three days she was able to deduce that he was a good guy who was in it for the long haul? 

My first meeting with her was about a month after they met and it was unremarkable. She was very quiet. She didn’t talk much at all. At one point, my brother, her and I all walked outside to smoke (gross I know) and she started to talk a little more. The thing is though, she didn’t say a word to me. Her entire conversation was directed at my brother. I chalked it up to nerves. When we left dinner that night I didn’t feel any way about her. I didn’t like her, nor did I dislike her. 
It was at our second meeting a week or so later where I got a better look into who she was. This time she and my brother came to my home. Our mom wasn’t there as she was the first time and so it gave her an opportunity to loosen up a bit more and that she did. She walked into my house like she owned the place. I’m not saying my house is that interesting but she made no comments on the unusual things around the room that most people point out upon entering our home for the first time. She kind of just sat down and started talking away. That night she wouldn’t shut up. I felt like I was sitting in on a college lecture. She talked at us, not with us. The entire night she discussed mainly her material possessions and lifestyle. She said nothing of substance. Nothing like the usual stuff you would talk about when you’re trying to get to know another human being, like where you’re from, your family, your heritage or anything of that nature. The night was like an extremely long, late night infomercial and she was the product. 

When they finally left that night my husband closed the door behind them and then turned to me and said., “you don’t like her, do you”. I answered with a firm no and he agreed, he wasn’t very impressed either. 
At the same time, as much as I didn’t like her I tried to keep my opinion to myself and just be a supportive sister to my brother. It was now the third month of their relationship when my brother showed up at my house. Again he prefaced his news by telling me that I’m going to think he’s crazy and that he was going to break the lease on his apartment (that he just completely refurnished after his ex left) and move into her house. I would be completely lying if I said this didnt trouble me deeply. Putting my own personal opinion of her aside, I just felt it was far too soon to move in with anyone. God, if I only knew what was to come next, I never wouldn’t bit my tongue……
The story will be continued in my next post. 

The perfect victim. (Part 1)

My brother and I were always close. When we were kids, people always used to compliment my mom about how well him and I got along. We are a little over two years apart in age but three grades in school. Sure we had our sibling fights but for the most part my brother was cool and never minded having his little sister tag along. Personality wise, we are polar opposites. He is quiet and sort of introverted. I am more social and extroverted. He is very book smart, I am more street smart. He loves classic rock, I listen to gangsta rap. As different as we were we shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. Nevertheless we always got along. 

Of course, as with any siblings, there were the occaisional sibling battles over the years. We would bicker at times but the good times always far outweighed the bad. If you would’ve told me five years ago that him and I would go three years without speaking to one another, I’d tell you to stop hitting the crack pipe, because you’d have to be high to Ever think such a ridiculous thing was even possible. Here I stand now and it’s been about three years that my brother and I have been estranged. Three years since we had a normal relationship. Three years that I have been mourning. 

Why do nice guys like him fall for women like this?

Looking back, my brother has always chosen domineering women. I tend to think it stems from his lack of self esteem. We grew up in a home with an alcoholic father in whom he did not get along with. Basically put, my dad treated him like shit. He would constantly put him down and call him a ‘lazy prick’. Not exactly the kind of words an encouraging and supportive father would say. A man needs a good bond with his father in order to be a confident man. Anyhow,   He’s a people pleaser or more so, a woman pleaser. He also tends to be a bit self centered when it comes to friends and family, but women, he’s getting something out of it and so he aims to please. 

Another thing he lacks is identity. My brother never seemed to know who he was. Most people change and evolve but don’t deviate too far from their roots  when it comes to interests and hobbies. For instance, I’ve always liked rap music. I went through a VERY short lived phase in the early 90’s where I stopped listening to it. In fact that only lasted one short school year in 8th grade, but by 9th grade I was right back on it and stayed a loyal fan until this day. I was always interested in creative hobbies and sure I’ve experimented with new ones here and there but I always stuck to the ones I really enjoyed, like jewelry making. No matter what I was into during my life, at my core, I was always kind of the same person. I liked fashion and tried to keep up with trends but never went to any extremes and drastically changed my style. I was always me. My brother, on the other hand went balls to the wall when he was into something. When his interests change his entire persona changed with it. It’s like he was always trying to find himself and he always identified through other things and was never just him. For instance, in high school he became obsessed with the Grateful Dead and Phish. His whole entire life revolved around it. He grew his hair long and started dressing like a hippie. He read books about the Dead, started smoking pot and taking acid. It’s like he traveled in time and got into everything that was going on in that time. He had an entire collection, 100’s of Casette tapes of live Grateful Dead concerts. Everything was about the Grateful Dead. He wore their shirts and bathed in patchouli oil and played hacky sack and devlin sticks. He wanted to camp out at music festivals, the whole 9. He lived, breathed and shit the Grateful Dead. Ok he didn’t shit the Grateful Dead but how cool would it be if you could shit little Grateful Dead bears?! 

Soon after that phase,  he started dating this girl he worked with at a bowling alley. At that time he started watching movies like the Big Labowski and Swingers and then suddenly his entire style changed again. He cut off his ponytail (actually I did! I couldn’t wait to cut that thing off) and he got a short crew cut type fade. He started walking around dressed in slacks with a wife beater and these ugly, opened up bowling shirts. He dropped the Grateful Dead and started listening to Jazz music and all this crazy shit. 

The point here is that he never seemed to be able to find his own niche in life. He was always trying to be someone he was not. This all didn’t make sense to me until recently. I never connected it with self esteem but looking back now, that’s why he was constantly trying to find himself. He had no self esteem and didn’t know where he belonged in this world. 

Narcissists prey on people like my brother. They can smell their weaknesses from a mile away. He had just gotten out of a six year long relationship/engagement when he was swooped off his vulnerable feet by this charming narcissist.