Winning and letting go of anger.
I won. Yes, you read it right. I WON. My whole life I have let people take advantage of me. I have backed down, I have kept my mouth shut. I have lived my life to complete the delusions of others and I am fucking done. I was brought up to respect my family, respect my elders, respect my mom, respect my grandmother and I did just that…… for my whole life.
I did my time. I am 36 years old. I am a grown woman. I have my own family to worry about, my own child to teach…. I was living my life for everyone else’s happiness, all the while, I was ignoring my own. I sat at family parties for years, uncomfortable and upset, because I was angry that my cousin Benny was there and the cousin whom he violated and victimized, wasn’t. I sat there angry at my aunts, uncles and cousins because they chose to ignore what was really happening. I was angry with myself for not having the strength and courage to fully stand up for what I believed in. Years later, I was angry at my brother. Angry for him promising my dad he would be the “man” of the house, and then leaving me to do all the hard stuff. I was angry that he turned his back on us and refused to stand up to his wife. I was angry that he didn’t value our relationship and I felt used. I was angry that he was out enjoying his life while I watched my mom suffer mentally, Of emotionally and in the last year, physically. At times I was even angry with my mom. Angry that she allowed my brother to walk all over her, mistreat her and allow his wife to talk to her like she didn’t matter. I was angry that she was depressed. I was angry that she let him ruin her life. Angry that she couldn’t accept reality for what it was. Angry that she didn’t take care of herself. Angry that she became complicit with her health. I was so fucking angry.
At this time last year, during the last week of July, I knew it was the beginning of the end, and in more ways than one. My mom was starting to go downhill and fast, and it was also this time of year when I finally revealed to her what was going on between me and my aunts. I had never reached the level of stress, worry and anxiety that I was in, at that point in time. I just couldn’t handle anything more, not even the smallest worry or upset. It was a pivotal moment in my life because the last week of July, last year where I finally surrendered and started being true to myself.
Satan, my brother’s wife decided to have a party for their then 1 year 4 month old baby on July 30th, the day of my mom’s birthday. She had four months and could’ve had a party for the kid on any one of those days in between but she decided to steal my mother’s last birthday. God forbid my mom have all the attention on her for an entire day. Oh no, that can’t happen. She sent invitations out without even making mention that it was also my mom’s birthday that day as well. Of course at that time no one knew my mom would be gone another four months after that, but it was pretty clear that the year prior for her was no walk in the park and that her health was on a steady decline. That’s how narcissists like Satan do things. It’s back handed and passive aggressive. It’s veiled in a nice gesture. Because for those of us who see right through people like Satan, we know how to read between the lines. Those who don’t will think it’s “sweet” because she buys my mom a small personal cake and gives her 30 seconds of attention. (and that’s exactly how much time was spent acknowledging her that day). When something fucked up is cloaked in shiny glittery rainbows, it’s hard to see the deeper meaning behind it. Satan is vindictive and she will stop at nothing to get her vindication.
That party was the first party I was invited to since my brother moved in with her, and I know that the only reason I was invited was because Satan was not letting her “investment” (aka my mom and her assets) slip away that easy. Three years prior to that day, there was little to no relationship between Satan and my mom. I would say that about 97% of their interaction in that span of time, was them arguing and yelling at one another. Whatever shit they had in the last few months of my mom’s life was exactly that, shit. It was so phony, on both ends. My brother had threatened my a few months before her tumor was discovered that if she didn’t get on board with his wife, she wouldn’t see her grandkids. My mom wasn’t about to not love an innocent child and so she pretended so she can have some type of connection. Satan doesn’t allow full blown connections though.
My mom was upset with me about not going to the party and trust me when I say, I felt terrible that I wasn’t going to be there on her actual birthday. It upset me to know she was going to be sad there without me, but I just needed a break. I was on the front lines with her fighting this battle against cancer since December of 2015, while my brother and his wife were off getting drunk and going to Puerto Rico. I needed a day to myself but moreso I had reached a breaking point. I no longer had the energy to put into things that weren’t making me happy and so for the first time in a really long time, I put myself first.
Pretty much from that day forward I started to live a life that was truer to myself. I still loved and respected my mom, but my relationships with other members in my family were starting to become so toxic that my need for sanity was starting outweigh my respect. I tolerated enough for her. I put so much energy into her and trying to make her happy and I did it to the detriment of my own well being. I knew she was getting worse and there was no way I was going to be able to take care of her in the way she deserved will all of this other baggage weighing me down. I had to let go.
That last month of her life that she spent in the hospital, that was when I really started to see things clearly. Nothing will bring the dysfunction out of your family more than dealing with losing one of its members. I tried one last time for her and it blew up in my face. While it was the most confusing, emotionally taxing and horrifying rollercoaster ride of my life, and I felt like I couldn’t tell up from down, at the same time, I never saw things more clearly in my life. My aunts showed me what kind of people they were and what was important to them. My brother and his wife made it clear that the only thing they were interested in was there inheritance. My mom was secondary. While some of the people in my life feel sorry for me that my family is “mistreating” me and not being supportive, I am thanking god. It was a gift. He showed me the light. He set me free. I no longer have to tip toe around and worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. I don’t have to feel anxiety. I don’t have to be angry with them. I can live my life and be free. I can feel the way I want to feel without being judged and ridiculed. I realized that it doesn’t matter how much good I’ve done in my life and how much I was there for them. I can be an amazing person 99% of the time, but with my family, that 1% that you fuck up is going to override the other 99% of good. That fuck up is going to be your defining factor. Because I stood up for myself, I became the villain?
After my mom passed and I got into a huge fight with my aunt Debbie where she said all this horrible shit to me, and then my objecting to my mom’s will and them being executors, I was just counting down the days until I could finally expose them and tell the world what frauds they were. I will admit, I had plans to destroy their lives and reputations. I thought of everything from making a video and exposing every detail on Facebook for all their friends,family and coworkers to see. I wanted to go all out. I mean I have stuff on them that can make them look like the biggest assholes possible. Especially my aunt Debbie. I wanted to share it with the world. I was so fucking angry.
Since I was a kid, my worst fear was losing my mom and for the entire year of 2016, I was living my worst fear and they did nothing but make it even worse than it already was. How do you fuck with someone at a time like that? How could my aunt Bea and Uncle Bob use the death of my mother as means to get back at me for exposing their child molester son? How does my Aunt Debbie tell me I made my mom miserable and I didn’t let her die with “peace in her heart”, knowing that I was the only one that was always there for her, that she could always count on? There was a time when me and her had a great relationship. I confided in her and she confided in me. We would spend hours on the phone talking about my mom and how depressed she was, how fucked up my brother was and Aunt Debbie would tell me how lucky my mom was to have me. Now all of the sudden I ruined her life? It doesn’t make sense.
I spent the last 8 months of my life quietly and patiently waiting for this day to come, and trust me, in this last 8 months they tried so, so, so, so hard to get me to come out. I kept ignoring. In the past, I overshared my feelings. If something was bothering me, I had to tell everyone I knew about it. Back in July of last year, I went completely silent. I fell off the grid, so to speak. I completely stopped sharing with everyone in my family. I stopped reacting to their shit. I continued to keep my eyes focused on the prize, being there for my mom. I used my husband as an outlet. After my mom died, I started to use this blog as my outlet. It’s anonymous. The chances of them finding it are very small. Even if they do, they cannot prove it’s about them.
After all the deflection, the denial, the, manufacturing of lies, the shit talking, the hate campaigning, bullying and intimidating, I couldn’t wait to have my day, but as time went on……….something magical happened. Me not talking to them or about them and reacting to them gave me better results. The less I responded the more angry they got. The more angry they got, the harder they tried to pull me out. Since they couldn’t reach me directly, they started to try different means of getting to me. They started to get other people involved, and by doing so, they made themselves look like hateful and heartless assholes. I didn’t need to expose them. They exposed themselves. The other members in my family who weren’t involved finally opened their eyes and they wanted no part of it, and so in turn, they distanced themselves. People have their number. A few other family members even decided to erase them of social media and it was reasons that had nothing to do with my situation.
Here I am 8 months later and the need for revenge and the anger has dissipated. Through self reflection, therapy and lots of thinking, I have realized that it isn’t even worth my time. People like my aunts and Satan, they live their lives for this shit. They love causing chaos and they are looking for fights. The more you come back at them, you are just feeding them more fuel to continue doing what their doing. You are empowering them and giving them more ammunition and supply. You are breathing life into them. You are giving them a topic to discuss with their friends and family at the dinner table. You are letting them control your life. Fear = control.
In order to want to hurt someone like that there has to be a level of care there. Wanting the person to know how they hurt you is you telling them that they are important enough to care what they think. I don’t give a flying fuck anymore what they think. I don’t want them to even get the slightest in I give a shit or that I am sweating them in any way. I have reached the point where I have no problem in them because I don’t care about them anymore. Their opinions of me mean nothing. I care more what a rock thinks of me than what they think.
Does it still hurt sometimes? Yes Does that feeling to hurt them the way they hurt me, still creep up from time to time? Yes. I wouldn’t be human if it didn’t cross my mind here and there. There are some days I want to drive my car to their houses and give them all a baseball bat to the face but at the end of the day, none of them is worth my freedom, my time or my energy. I will not give them the freedom that they so desperately crave. Not gonna happen.
Today I went to my lawyer’s office and I signed my oath to be executor of my mom’s estate. I fought long and hard for this. I won. My mom would be proud. I know she would be. I miss her so much.