When my dad died, I had months before I had to deal with my first big holiday without him. He died right after Easter, in 2006. My mom died November 20th, 2016, the day after we said our final goodbyes to her (4 days after her death) it was thanksgiving. Normally thanksgivings were spent at my mom’s house. My mom loved food and she loved to cook. She would make enough food to feed an army, but over the years out thanksgiving table got smaller and smaller. When we lost my dad we’d spend thanksgiving with my brother’s ex-fiancé’ family. That all changed when my brother and her broke it off. By the next thanksgiving my brother was engaged to Satan and our thanksgiving table changed to me, my mom, my husband; my son, and random other guests. The first year it was my uncle,who was sort of estranged from the family after his daughter was molested by my Aunt Bea’s and Uncle Bob’s son. He and his wife sort of replaced my brother. The year before my mom passed, it was when we had just found out about the large mass on my mom’s kidney. Little did we know then but it would be the last thanksgiving we spent with her. Even though she was so nervous about the possibility of her having cancer she still managed to make us a nice meal. We skipped the traditional thanksgiving day food and made lasagna. It was way better than a turkey, in my opinion. I really miss my mom’s cooking.
I had absolutely no desire to celebrate thanksgiving. I could care less about it. My husband’s brother invited us to eat at his house, but I asked my husband if he’d mind if I sat this one out. I was exhausted. It had been well over a week since I had slept, more than a few hours. I had just gone through two days of awkward and sad conversations, people looking at me with sad faces, not knowing what to say to me, and so I just wanted to not have to talk. I had a touch of laryngitis from all the crying and talking and I just needed to be alone and relax. I have always valued my alone time which is something I don’t get much of being a mother and when I’m going through hard times like I did in the last few weeks of my mom’s life, i really needed it.
When I woke up that morning, I was still reeling from my text conversation with my brother the day prior , but what bothered me more than anything about it was the fact that my brother seemed to be under the impression that I was trying to have my mother write him out of her will! It was really bothering me that he actually thought that. My brothers own words were that my Uncle Bob had been advising him the whole time. Logically Uncle bob and/or my aunt Debbie were the only two people who could’ve put something like that in their heads because they were the only ones who really had a close relationship with them.
I didn’t care that it was thanksgiving. These fucking assholes, ALL of them, made one of the most, if not the most, difficult time in my in my life; ten times more difficult. They made me feel uncomfortable at my own mother’s wake. They hurt her and they hurt me numerous times throughout the last few years and I’m supposed to feel bad about disrupting their thanksgivings? I decided to text Aunt B and confront her about it, I wrote,
“I have a question, Who told my brother I was tryin to get my mom to take him off her will??? First off that is not true AT ALL. I’m trying to narrow down the playing field here and I know you and uncle Bob are the ONLY ones have a special relationship with Him and Satan, and IF it was either or both of you, you should be ashamed of yourselves. My mom talked to me three years ago and told me she wanted to take him off because she didn’t want [Satan] getting her money or having control over her stuff. I actually told her I’d be VERY angry with her if she did that and id give him half of everything anyway. I NEVER ONCE brought up that subject with my mom because I was very uncomfortable talking about it and it wasn’t my concern. Getting her better was. SHE brought it up to ME and several others that she wanted to make me the executor of her will but clearly that didn’t happen. I didn’t care either way. It was her money and her decision. I’m disgusted that anyone would a) go against my mom’s wishes because she told everyone what she wanted. B) try to stir the pot and cause drama between my brother and I knowing that my mom didn’t want us fighting. You both know how she felt about [Satan]. It was no secret. Please don’t under estimate my intelligence. I know what this is really about. I know my brother has been being coached by someone. We all need to sit down and have a discussion about how to move past this. I have her on tape saying what she wanted. No one should be doing anything without discussing it first.”
With that I got no reply! Her lack of reply told me everything I needed to know. If it wasn’t her she simply could’ve and would’ve written back that it was wasn’t her. Instead like a coward she chose to bury her head in the sand and say nothing at all.
I will always be thankful to my Aunt Bea for donating her kidney to my mom. What she gave her was a gift not only for her but for us. We got to have her around for 25 more years. I can never thank her enough for that. On the flip side of that, her selfless act did not give her the right to treat my mom like shit, to talk to her like her feelings didn’t matter and judge her or to dictate what she does with her life. I read some messages between her and my mom from the year prior and the way Aunt Bea talked to her was very invalidating, dismissive, condescending and flat out mean. I didn’t even need to read those messages though, I heard about it all of the time. My mom would call me up, upset because she had gotten into a heated discussion with Aunt Bea. I had told my mom several times not to discuss the things with me and my brother being estranged, with her, because it seemed like Aunt Bea would purposely try to get her upset. She would tell my mom she’s ridiculous for being hurt or that she would never fight with her children’s spouses, or get involved in their relationships (which is a complete bullshit lie, I have seen ER being overly involved with my own eyes) etc, etc. She would make excuses for my brother’s behavior, all of the time too. For years I would tell my mom that ever since my cousin told me that Aunt Bea’s son molested her, that my aunt Bea acted passive aggressively towards me, and my mom always told me I was crazy or imagining things, but once things went south with my brother and Satan, my mom finally saw it. In fact she even confronted Aunt Bea about it once when they got onto a heated discussion about my brother. Aunt Bea was making some cryptic Facebook posts that were very obviously geared towards my mother, and so my mom confronted her. My mom said to her “I have to protect [me] because I think you still hold [me] responsible for what she had no choice getting involved in at 21 (I was actually 24) years old.” Aunt Bea responded and no where in her response did she ever deny holding resentment towards me. All she did was deflect by saying, “how the f are you comparing that with [me] ?? And why the “F” do you think I’m holding anything against her ? (Rhetorical question)???!!!!! How long ago was that???? Have I treated her as if I’m holding anything against her??? That’s almost 10 years ago!!!!!! Really! You’re grasping at straws now. Honestly…I think [me] can handle herself vey [sic] well.”
Her excessive use of punctuation marks, would suggest she’s very defensive, but notice that not once, anywhere in there, does she deny having resentment towards me. She turns it around on my mom (deflection),asking her why the “f”she thinks that? Then she deflects by pointing out the length of time that has lapsed. Finally, she asks if she’s treated me like she has been holding anything against me, once again, deflecting the responsibility away from her and onto my mom. No where in there does it say anything like, “I don’t hold anything against her.” or “I am not resentful, I understand that she did what she thought was right.”. No where in there did she say she never did nor still does carry any resentment. This right here is a prime example of how abusive and/or highly manipulative personality types escape responsibility.
As my solo thanksgiving day progressed, I heard from a few family members. One informed me that my Aunt Debbie had been calling other family members in my family and telling them that I “destroyed my mother’s will”! Of all the low life, non-sensical, utter bullshit to come out of their mouths, this one by far pissed me off the most. At the time, I though this came from my brother and his wife because back when my mom was in the hospital, I had removed all the paperwork pertaining to her will, and of course I did so with her consent. I was under the assumption that my brother and his wife went back into the safe after my mom’s death, to get the actual copy of my mom’s will and realized it was missing and so they went around and told everyone that I had destroyed it, for what reason, I don’t know but that’s what I was thinking at the time.
I was irate. I mean beyond pissed off and so I took a photo of the copies I had of both my mom’s and dad’s wills, and a took a picture of them, alongside a piece of paper in which I wrote the current date, Nov, 25th 2016. Along with my photo I sent a really confrontational text that read,
“I destroyed my mother’s will?!! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? Shame on you for believing anything that comes out of that little twat’s mouth. Wow. Shame on you. Pull your head out of aunt barbara’s ass already. I took all the paperwork out of my mom’s safe when I caught those two sneaky, lying little cunt bags in there. I cannot fucking believe that YOU of all people would fucking believe this bullshit. Shame on you. Don’t sit around and cry about my mom when all you do is spit on her grave. I’m so fucking disgusted with you people. How fucking DARE you. How fucking DARE you. Nevermind the fact that I’m the one who was sitting there with her day and night while those two pieces of shit were counting her money. I can’t find the original copy. THEY fucking took it. Vinnie fucking lied right to my mother’s face. She asked him if he was at the house and he lied right to her face and said he wasn’t. Then he switched his story and said he was there but he was looking at the bills. He’s a fucking LIAR. They were counting her money before she even died. I can’t fucking believe this shit. It’s disgraceful….. Oh and when I went in my moms safe and took the paperwork I told my mom I took it and her answer was, “good”. I can’t believe you’d even believe that shit. …. Keep burying your head in the sand. I cannot believe you would ever believe those two pieces of shit. You of all people.
She replied, “Watch your mouth you are turning into trash!!!!!!!!!! God help my sister …..how dare you say that I spit on her grave……. GET HELP [my name , YOU NEED IT YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE BITCH!!!!!!
The whole family is going to see this message .”.
I came back at her with this,
“Good send it to everyone. I really don’t give a fuck. You think you’re scaring me? I got help. I’m done with the fucking lies that you people are spreading about me. If that’s what’s going to make you feel vindicated go the fuck ahead. “
She replied to that with,
“Grow a pair of balls and stop hiding behind letters and messages..”
I decided to take her advice and so I offered her this,
“Ok come to my moms house. You want me to come to aunt barbara’s house? I’ll be there in 30 minutes and tell you all what the fuck is up and what’s going on…
You know why write messages. Because no one can ever twist my words. And you can keep hiding behind your big sister……
The problem is none of you can handle the fucking TRUTH. You wouldn’t know it if it slapped you in the face. My mother is FUCKING DEAD YOU ASSHOLE. Grow a heart….
I need fucking help??? Wow . That’s laughable. I’m the one who was sitting with her when she fucking died. I need help? Stop fucking gaslighting me. Im not crazy for having a fucking heart and I’m done with you people trying to tell me I am. Someone who needs help wouldn’t be sitting up at a hospital day and night with their mother. Go feed your dogs”
(I should explain the go feed your dogs comment. In a conversation with my husband after the healthcare proxy bullshit with my brother, aunt Debbie told my husband that she would be up at the hospital more often, but that she worked all day and then had to go home and feed her dogs. That was her excuse for not spending more time with my mom, in her final month of life. She had a fully grown, adult daughter, living in an apartment adjacent to her house that was fully capable of feeding dogs for her, but that was her excuse. Her fucking dogs were more important than her sister.)
Like the immature asshole she is, she responded to that with, “Really please you need help……you really need help, get help for yourself.”.
So I wrote, “Ok aunt Debbie. Keep living in denial. Wow. I honestly feel bad for you”
And she continued, “Really please you need help……you really need help, get help for yourself.”.
So I said, “Blah blah fucking blah blah. Keep saying that. I already go to therapy. You’re not hurting me. You’re just looking immature.“.
And again like a five year who doesn’t have the brain power to have a real adult conversation, she wrote, “Bye”.
I probably should’ve ended it there but I didn’t so I said, “Oh what’s the matter don’t want me ruining your thanksgiving? I’ll come over aunt Bea’s and we can sit face to face and discuss this. Like grown fucking adults.”.
Suddenly my phone started ringing and it was my cousin Gianna, Aunt Bea’s daughter. I knew Aunt Debbie was at Aunt Bea’s house with her. If there’s anyone in my family who is completely fucking clueless as to what’s going on in my life it’s her. I didn’t answer her call and so Aunt Debbie texts me, “answer your phone Gianna is calling.”
I replied, “Another person who doesn’t know shit trying to talk to me. Holy fuck. I can’t honestly. Just stop.”
I then reminded her, “Still didn’t answer. You want to discuss this face to face? Meet me at my moms house or I will come there. Why are you scared?”
Aunt Debbie’s reply, “The way disrespected this entire family you can stay home!!!!”
(Here we go with the fucking dramatics! Years ago, that comment may have affected me but once you break from the brainwashing, and you see how these people operate and what tactics they use to try to manipulate you into thinking the way they want you to think, you don’t fall for it.)
Then the real manipulation started. You see I know Aunt Debbie’s style. I have never met a woman with more conflict in her life than her. She has a laundry list of ex-friends who she got into fights with and no longer speaks to. I know how she fights with her own daughter and the way she disrespects her. She kept going, “I didn’t want to do this but you just don’t STOP!!!!!
Aunt Bea texted you three messages with her concern for you and you haven’t acknowledged not one of her text. (She sent one text and it wasn’t for concern, it was for her to blow smoke up my ass, to absolve herself from guilt and to try and proveto others that she is the innocent one and I am pissed off for no reason.) And now you pick the day after we all said farewell to your mom to badger her???? (🙄)You really didn’t let my sister go with peace in her heart. (Wow really? Talk to my brother who was harrassing her about healthcare proxies, her will, her bills, me, and his stupid fucking camera, but yeah I didn’t let her go with peace…fuck you) I have been sick to my stomach with all that has been going on for the month…..Especially the Donna (my brother’s ex-fiancé’s mother) show that took place first in the hospital and the finale right in front of my sister’s coffin. I was embarrassed as I stood with, your Mom’s boss. That was disgraceful the whole family is sick that you didn’t even put a stop to her inappropriate behavior. You dismissed everyone’s feelings when everyone put their feelings aside for you that day.(like she was doing me some type of favor by not hating me for 24 hours ) There were so many things, pictures of Aunt Mandi with Uncle [child molestation victim’s father] (it was a group photo, that she happened to be in) (he was upset), your brother with [his ex fiancé] (it was anotner group photo she happened to be in) , WTF were you thinking?????
The disrespectfulness you showed towards your brother, my sister Bea, Uncle Bob & Cousin Lenore (???? 🤔) , do you really think that went unnoticed by all??? [my name] please let your Mother RIP, why would you pick on Aunt Bea of all people she gave your mother 24 more years of her life, are forgetting that? (Innocent Aunt Bea. Here we go, manipulate me with the kidney transplant, like I fucking asked her to do it. ) My sister is not even gone for four full days and the drama continues. Aunt Bea never spoke to anyone about your mothers will. (She’s right most likely it was my uncle Bob). We hoped that you and your brother would work it out. Now you have a tape of my sister, I am sick to my stomach!!!!!!! Perhaps you didn’t want any of us there. SHAME ON YOU !!!! I really wanted to be there for you but now you are dissing my family. Did you even think of [my grandmother], she has been saying I thought they were talking, we haven’t answered her maybe you could.”
This is such a load of manipulative bullshit! She is out of her mind.
I responded to her, but hadn’t yet read her long rant. “Aunt Debbie seriously. I’m so fucking disappointed in you. What 60 year old women does shit like this? Really. You think my mom didn’t know what was going on? She asked me everyday if anyone called me. I told her no. She was very upset with you and aunt Bea. I didn’t disrespect the entire family. I didn’t disrespect anyone. I stood up for myself. There’s a HUGE difference. You and aunt Bea. Those are the only two people I have an issue with……You have no fucking clue what you’re even talking about……You are so fucking clueless. It’s not even funny”
My mom was upset with her sisters, for the last few months of her life, for various reasons. As you will see I had had enough with the manipulative bullshit.
She replied with this,“My sister is gone, you don’t have to worry about us. Go take care of your family. Let me not say what you did at times to your own mother!!!! (No fucking clue what she meant by that.) I’ll leave it at that…..You constantly negativity pecking in her ear. I’m done [my name]!!!”
I finally finished reading her big long paragraph and responded, “You ALL sure as hell stuffed your fucking faces with the food that Donna’s boyfriend provided. My mom was still friends with Donna. Why was your exboyfriend there? My mom and I just went to dinner with Donna in sept so if I’m being disrespectful then my mom was too. She was friends with her just like you talk to [exboyfriend #1] and [exboyfriend #2] and [exboyfriend #3]”.
(Yeah that’s only three of the 20 boyfriends she’s had in the last decade).
I continued ,“I didn’t mention ANY of this bullshit to her so it shows how much you know. [my brother] was up there crying to her about his camera like a little fucking baby. Don’t tell me. I talked to my mother like a real human being. Don’t tell me what I told her and didn’t tell her. Seriously. Get a clue already……I don’t need to hide behind you people. Don’t want to talk to me anymore. FINE. I already lost the most important people in my life. Nothing else is going to hurt me more. I don’t need a family to back me up. Want to talk about being insecure…… I know who I am and what I did for my mother and I was there holding her hand when she took her last breath which is more than any of you can say. She died in peace and you best believe that…..I’m done with you fucking gaslighting me. Go back to sleep. I know who I am and I’m fucking god damn proud of who I am, and you or anyone else isn’t going to take that shit away from me.”
She started making excuses, “I never said I didn’t like Donna, you just invited drama to my sister’s funeral. I happen to like them both. And don’t tell me who could come to your Mom’s wake, for your own little brain [exboyfriend #1] always talked to your mom on Facebook. He is 40 year family friend. You did not pay for that wake and food YOUR MOM DID! Put your fucking head back in the sand.”
(Does anyone see where I told her who could come to my mom’s wake? I brought her exes up to illustrate the fact that a) I don’t “invite” Donna, b) exes should be expected to show up at the wake.
I finally finished reading her ten mile long paragraph and wrote my own, “You are something else. You really are. First off since when did you become the family spokesperson? Guess what aunt Bea is a fucking liar. I disrespected her? Why did she lie and say she invited me to her house earlier in the day. I have the texts to prove that is a lie. Why did she tell people I wrote her a nasty letter! That also is a fucking lie. As for the pictures. Fuck you seriously. I woke up the morning of my mom’s wake and fucking printed 109 pictures at Walmart and spent $40 of my own money to do so. I didn’t have time cuz those pieces of shit were in a rush to get my mom in her urn. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit about pictures? What the fuck were you doing all day? Did you offer to help? No. you went running to aunt Bea’s house while we were looking at the pictures. You could’ve helped me and assured no ones feelings were hurt but you only give a shit about YOU!…...I didn’t “invite” Donna to shit. She came to pay respect to my mom. I can’t fucking control that. Sorry. Am I the fucking funeral police or something?…..
As for the way she acted I agree she was out of line and I tried to calm her down. I cannot fucking control another human being. People are upset at funerals in case you didn’t notice. Emotions run high. She’s not allowed to be emotional? She’s upset that her. FUCKING friend is dead. My mom told her how Satan treated her and she’s upset about that. God fucking bless her. She stands up for my mom more than her own fucking family did. Aunt Bea is too worried about being fucking liked by a stranger than making her sister feel supported. Shame on her. My mom was VERY upset with her and Uncle Bob. Like a little baby he un friended her and me on Facebook. Who the fuck does that? Then he blames aunt Bea when I confront him. Wow.”
Here she goes, with more gaslighting. It’s just so ridiculous.. “You aggravated my sister days on end….. it was all you!!!!! The constant drama, the constant pecking in her ear. My poor sister didn’t get a minutes rest with you.”.
This is a common tactic used by my family. Aunt Debbie does the same thing to her daughter, Tina ALL OF THE TIME. It’s disgusting. Yeah my mom was so miserable with me. That’s why she wanted me up at the hospital 24/7. That’s why I was the only person who was able to calm her down when she was panicked. That’s why she told me she loved me repeatedly the night she died, and that’s why she died, next to me, right? If I was a weaker minded individual this gaslighting tactic may have worked on me, but fortunately I know who I am and I know what I did for my mother in her last months, weeks and days.
I was still addressing her long ass, bullshit paragraph, “I apologized to Uncle [child molestations victim’s father] and offered to take the picture down that I didn’t even fucking realize was there of aunt [Victims mother] and he told me it was ok. He didn’t even care. He came to my moms house after the second viewing and hung out with me. Why don’t you learn wtf you’re talking about. Then aunt Bea has to go home and spitefully make her own picture board and didn’t even fucking ask me if it was ok to put up. She had to include the THIRD fucking wedding picture of Satan and my brother just to be an asshole. Ever think I didn’t talk to those assholes for three years I have no pictures of them?….
As for cousin Lenore ummm I put pics of [Lenore’s sister] who actually sent me pics unlike ANY of you assholes. My mom was very close with her. Of course I included her pictures. My mom hates Lenore. Wow. Shows how much you know. “
Lmao, then she comes back with this, elementary school bullshit,”Grow up….. go talk to some other family member, I’m tired of getting disrespected by you. No one had to ask you anything….. SHE WAS OUR SISTER. That’s your problem, you are very controlling.”
I can only laugh at that response, “go talk to some other family member.” Like ok, I will. I’m certainly not interested in talking to her. Right, I’m the controlling one. For the last year, she tried to control my feelings, but I’m controlling.
“Ha ha ha yeah ok I know aunt Debbie. I ruined my mom’s life. You are so delusional. I was the ONLY one there for her. Get the fuck out of here……
I’m controlling? I’m fucked up? Roh Kay. “
And she let her true maturity level shine,
Me: “look in the mirror.”
Her: “Really please you need help……you really need help, get help for yourself !”
Her again: “Really please you need help……you really need help, get help for yourself !
And again:……Really please you need help……you really need help, get help for yourself !
Me: “Oh the help thing again. Yup let me get help. You are like a little baby. Wow “
Her: “And Detective [My name] your brother made that board to include his own life.”
I probably should’ve stopped entertaining her with the bullshit about the pictures but I didn’t, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t being a detective. I was told by others that aunt Bea made it. My mistake. My brother is a piece of SHIT. Fuck him. I put photos of him. Want me to send you copies of all the pictures? Again I have no pictures of them because we didn’t speak for three years. Would you like me to fucking time travel and take pictures of him? He did NOTHING for my mother but you can keep holding him on your delusional pedestal ……I thought you were blocking me? What happened? I have all the time in the world. I can keep going…..You are so brainwashed. Aunt [victim’s mother] was right the [my mother’s family name] committee.” (My aunt who was exiled out of the family calls my aunt Debbie, my aunt Bea and even my mom as thecommute of bye family because of you ever go up against one of them, the rest will turn on you, like they controlled everyone.)
I then sent her a copy of the recording of that my mom made of her trying to talk to Satan about repairing the relationship between me, her and my brother and I wrote, “maybe you need a reminder of how his bitch wife talked to my mother.”
Then, still addressing her long paragraph, I wrote, “And I didn’t record my mother. I recorded the palliative care meeting we had so I can remember all the info because I was the person caring for her She said something to me AFTER the meeting and I didn’t realize my phone was still recording. I can send you a copy if you would like.”
I also sent her a screen shot of my aunt B’s last text from the day my mom died, with her so called, “concern” for me, which read, “[my name] I am so sorry ❤, at the same time I am glad to know that you were with your mom during her final hours. I know she felt true comfort in you being there and I prayed for her to leave peacefully with you by her side. She told us all how good you made her feel. God bless you ❤.”
So which one was it? Did I make her life miserable or did I bring her comfort?
Again, still addressing her long paragraph wrote, “And when did I say I paid for the food? I didn’t pay for any of it and I never told you who to invite to the wake. Learn to read. I didn’t say anything close to that. And I guess aunt Bea’s text was all BULLSHIT. Man at least I’m real about my feelings….. I continued the “drama” but you’re calling people today and telling them I destroyed my mom’s will. Hello pot meet the kettle. I’m so glad I know how you feel about me. Thank you. I can be at peace now too. You just released me.”
That was it. She stopped responding at that point in time. I was blocked! Finally. When shit got too real for her she ran. That’s how they operate. I can happily say now that I am free from their bullshit.
(To be continued in my next post)