It was the morning after the big healthcare proxy debate. I was so angry with my brother for giving my mom a hard time over the decisions she was making for herself and not having the empathy or sense to see that she was in no condition to be having arguments with people. Just to put things into perspective, within a week she had found out her cancer had metastasized (spread) to her tailbone and her lungs. She also had to be put back on dialysis after 25 years of living a normal life with a transplanted kidney. To add insult to injury she was completely bedridden and couldn’t walk. She also became completely incontinent and had to wear an adult diaper. She was also being heavily medicated and had a pain pump and was on a very high dosage of a powerful opiate called Dilaudin. She started having severe panic attacks and was put on oxygen. Her quality of life drastically changed within a matter of days. Her situation was looking grim at best. She also still had to worry about her affairs at home like paying her bills and caring for her dogs. It was a whole lot in a very short time frame to take in. I was stressed to my maximum and so I could only imagine how she felt. Things weren’t looking too good and then my brother has to add to it by going in her room like the little bitch that he is, and giving her a hard time about a form that we may never even need to use! Besides, who would be begging to be in the position to have to make a decision with someone’s life?
I woke up the next morning to see I had a text on my phone from my aunt Debbie that read,
“Good Morning [my name] I spoke with you Mom this morning, she sounds more like herself. However you and [my brother] need to keep the drama out of her room. She said she was very upset that you both were in a battled about who was her health care proxy. She said to me, I don’t why they would do this in front of me, is the end for me? You guys need to keep it positive!!!
FYI – I wrote to your brother also so you both could create a peaceful atmosphere for her. Ttyl”
It was clear to me that my mom didn’t tell her the story because if she did, she would’ve told her the correct story. I explained to her that no one was battling over who her healthcare proxy was and in fact I wasn’t battling at all. I stood there quiet and said nothing except for when I told my brother he could’ve asked me to see the healthcare proxy form. I left the room after that. If my mom told her the story then she would’ve told her that it was really HER and him who were arguing!
At this point in time I was stressed out behind belief. I was sitting at the hospital for 8+ hours a day, having to drag my 3 year old son along for the ride because I had no one to watch him. Between my brother and Satan sneaking around doing shady shit and oh yeah, the fact that I am watching my mom who I love more than anyone in this world, lose her battle with a rare form of aggressive cancer, I was pretty stressed the fuck out! I was virtually alone, caring for her for the past year, as I watched her health slowly deteriorate. I didn’t need any extra added bullshit and so I tried in the nicest way possible to tell my aunt not to get involved. I had enough of everyone’s shit, really and so I wrote back,
“Aunt Debbie please don’t get involved. I kept the drama out of her room. You need to talk to my piece of shit brother…..”
“You can call my husband and ask him. I’m fucking done with my brother and will never talk to that piece of shit again…….”
“You need to know the whole story before you start giving speeches. I was trying to keep the drama out of her room. I was there all day and all night for the last three days. His wife was calling the social worker two days after my mom was in the hospital asking about healthcare proxies. She was “calling and calling” that was the social workers words NOT MINE. She has NO fucking business doing that. It’s MY MOTHER. I had my mom sign the papers cause all those pieces of shit care about is her money. They went to her house and went through all of her bills, her financial statements and her safe last time she was in the hospital. Vinnie is telling me we need to bring her to an elder care lawyer. He’s planning her fucking death! That’s all they care about. That’s why I’m so fucking angry with everyone. You all think they’re good people FUCK THEM!”
At this point now I just couldn’t stop. I felt like she needed to hear it all and so I went on to explain further.
“I explained the whole thing to him. His name is on the paper. I told my mom to put it there. They are trying to take advantage of my mom because she’s all drugged up. They’re evil pieces of shit……”
“He was trying to have a secret meeting with the social worker yesterday. Then he kept calling and calling. The girl came in the room and asked my husband if was him. He said no. Then she said my brother was calling relentlessly about the healthcare proxy stuff. My mom called him and asked what the fuck was going on. He’s making her think she’s is fucking dying!!!!! He got her all stressed out and she started shaking and was unable to breathe. She was completely out of it yesterday. He started asking about her will and everything. [my husband] was sitting RIGHT THERE. Our priority IS to keep the drama out of her room. When [my brother] came later I left the room because he started yelling. You guys all have no idea what evil pieces of shit they are. I saw uncle Bob talking to them and giving them advice about the will. Everyone thinks I’m fucking stupid and I don’t know what’s going on. Guess again.”
This was really where I started to lose my shit. My family has a way of responding to things that is just so dismissive and invalidating that it’s infuriating. She wrote back to me,
“[my name] you are putting your energy towards the wrong things…… this is the time we should all pull together, we all love your mother…”
Then she added,
“Don’t focus on the wrong things.”
By this point in time I was completely fed up with being told that I was focused on the wrong things. I couldn’t even believe she had the audacity to say that to me and so I responded by saying,
” Aunt Debbie, don’t tell me I’m putting my energy towards the wrong things. Don’t tell me what I AM DOING. I’ve been at the hospital day and night for three fucking days straight. I know what my energy is focused on. YOU text me with this bullshit. [my brother] came into my mom’s room with this bullshit all while NO ONE BUT ME HAS BEEN HELPING HER DAY AND NIGHT. You can call the hospital and ask to see the security tapes there. Don’t fucking tell me what MY FUCKING ENERGY IS FOCUSED On. You guys have no fucking idea what you’re even talking about. Do me a favor, don’t talk to me unless you’re asking how my mom is. Otherwise you all can stay as far away from me as possible.”
I couldn’t stop! I wrote,
“I’m fucking done with this BULLSHIT. You are all fucked in the heads….”
“Why don’t YOU focus on being there for your SISTER instead of texting me with this fucking bullshit that you don’t even know what you’re even talking about.”.
I had to clarify,
“and by you all I mean you, [my brother], his evil fucking wife, aunt Bea and uncle Bob.”
and finally I said;
“How fucking dare ANY of you make this harder for me. You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves….. tell my brother to have fun at his Halloween party tonight. I’ll be up at the hospital.”
After that she responds with,
“Thank you for blowing this all out proportion. You should be ashamed the way you are carrying on.
Aunt Fuck Head.”
I stopped responding after that.
Did I blow it out of proportion? Yes, maybe I did but I was so, so, so fed up with my family constantly telling me where MY focus was and what I should be focused on. I was the ONLY one who was really helping my mom. I was at the hospital everyday for hours and she has the nerve to tell me where my focus was? It’s easy for them to say not to worry about that shit, they don’t have to live it. I have to worry about it. It’s my family and my life! I realized long before this that I cannot talk to my family about my problems. I cannot to this day, grasp why they cannot just listen. Why they don’t understand what venting is? I never asked or expected them to be mean to my brother or treat him any other way than they normally do. They may not agree with me but they can at least hear me out and try to have some understanding and compassion for what I was going through. There is a gross lack of empathy in my family. They never want to discuss the real issues. They just want to sweep everything under the rug so nothing tarnishes their image of a perfect family. I have been doing that shit for the past ten years and it is taxing.
On top of that, my aunt Debbie seems to think I am still some immature little teenager the way she speaks to me. It’s like she’s ordering me around as if I’m her child. “However you and him need to keep the drama out of her room.”. I am a grown woman. I am 36 years old and a mother, myself. Had she approached this in a different way; maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so upset about it. She could’ve at the very least, gave me the benefit of the doubt and asked me what happened with my brother. Instead she lies to me and I knew she was lying because. A) my mom was in pretty bad shape and I don’t believe she was able to articulate herself that well. B) in the past when my family had butted their way into things they would actually text me and my brother in a group text. This time she texts us separately. This story wreaked of Satan and I believe my aunt heard it second hand through Aunt Bea. My mom never would’ve told her the wrong story.
I had enough shit to worry about at this point in time. The weekend was approaching and Halloween was only three days away. My mom informed me that Friday that someone from palliative care came into her room and spoke to her. I had never heard of palliative care prior to then. According to the website http://www.getpalliativecare.org, palliative care is described as this,
“Palliative care (pronounced pal-lee-uh-tiv) is specialized medical care for people with serious illness. This type of care is focused on providing relief from the symptoms and stress of a serious illness. The goal is to improve quality of life for both the patient and the family.”
It differs from hospice care because the patient is still being treated for the disease at that point, still it sounded a little scary to me. Anyway, they wanted to have a meeting with the entire family and so that meant I would have to sit down with my brother and my mom. Of course the meeting had to revolve around my brother’s and Satan’s schedules. They made it for 2:00pm on Monday, which also had to be Halloween. My husband had to leave work early to look after our son, so I could go to the meeting. I didn’t even want to look at my brother’s face at this point. I had no idea what he was doing but I was determined to find out.
(To be continued in my next post)