Crappy Birthday to you…

The Cold War….. a mother’s pain. 
(Please read my previous posts so the story makes sense!) 
As I left off with my brother, we were going to try and repair our broken relationship. We both apologized and wanted to move past things. He had admitted to me that it was in fact the one who had the problem with my dress all along but he went along with it and for the “wrong reasons”. I’m not sure exactly what those reasons were but it wasn’t important. I was willing to overlook the fact that I wasn’t invited to his wedding, he was going to over look the fact that I called his wife a crazy, insecure narcissist. That was all good and everything but there was a few conditions. I could not email, call or text him when he was home, In fact, the only time I could communicate with him was Monday-Friday between the hours of 9am and 5:30pm. I was willing to do it, because I loved my brother and wanted him in my life. 
Almost a month had gone by and I hadn’t heard a peep from him. It was Mother’s Day that year and I got no text or anything from him, which was unusual. I was a little bit hurt by it, I am not going to lie. My mom told me the next day that when she talked to him, she asked him if he remembered to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. My mom had a habit of doing that with my brother…..more enabling. I come from a family filled of enablers because my mom and her brothers and sisters were raised in a home with an alcoholic father. My grandfather was the quintessential Archie Bunker type, the patriarch of the family, who spent most of his time at the bar hanging out with his friends while my Edith Bunker grandma stayed home and raised 6 kids, virtually alone. He wouldn’t even let my grandmother drive. At 55 years old she finally snuck out behind his back and took her road test and got her license. She probably spent most of her life making excuses for my grandfather. Enabling is a learned behavior. I have realized in recent years how destructive enabling actually is.
Anyway, I got an email the day after Mother’s Day from my brother saying that he was sorry, he was with Satan and her mother all day on Mother’s Day. They had brunch, and went to dinner and he couldn’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day. It was a bullshit excuse. He managed to call my mom. He could’ve sent me a quick text and erased it from his phone. I didn’t respond to him right away. I sat back and really started to think about how fucked up this whole situation was. Why was I accepting all of these ridiculous stipulations. Who wants to have a half assed relationship with their brother, with all these ridiculous rules and regulations? How was any of this fair to me? Was my relationship with my brother worth me compromising my integrity? I felt more like some mistress and less like a sister. The more people I told, the more ridiculous I realized it sounded. 
 My mom also was getting fed up with his shit. He kept telling her he was working on fixing things and that in order for him to get his wife on board it needed to happen in baby steps. It was all bullshit. He was just procrastinating because he knew she wasn’t ever going to go for it. My brother had completely stopped visiting my mom. He hadn’t been to her house once since he was married and probably three months prior to the wedding, either. My mom was really broken up over this whole thing and it became a huge bone of contention between this. Eventually she got really fed up and told him to shove his baby steps up his ass! 
I was fed up too. I decided to write him a letter in hopes of making him wake up, grab his balls back from his wife and tell her that he didn’t have to like his family but she had to respect that he loved his family and wanted is in his life. I wrote it in a way where I put all the blame on me. Basically I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with this whole situation, that I would love nothing more to have a relationship with him but I didn’t want to be a source for fights and tension between him and his wife. I sent it to him and never heard back. I guess I didn’t know as much about borderlines and narcissists as I thought I did at the time. That is not how they operate. Much like the sun, everything revolves around them. I had finally realized that my brother was completely brainwashed and the chances of us having any semblance of a normal brother/sister relationship was null and void. 
That letter was the last contact I had with my brother. The next few months were completely quiet. I didn’t hear from him and either did my mom. My mom was completely devastated over all of this. I mean she fell into a very deep depression over it. She talked about it non-stop. Her and I would spend hours on the phone just going over things and wondering if my brother would ever come to his senses. She told me that she cried everyday on her way to work and she wasn’t exaggerating either. She talked to her one sister on the way to work every morning. Her and this sister worked for two different companies that were located right next to each other. At one point in time they were owned by the same person but my mom’s division was bought out by another company, still they still dealt with each other a lot. My aunt voiced her concern for my mom often and verified that my mom was not only crying in her car on her way to work but some of her co-workers had also grown concerned because they would hear her sobbing at her desk. Several times that she felt as if she was just starting to feel like she was getting used to her new life without my dad and that this came in like a freight train and knocked her right back down. Not only did it knock her down but she fell a few extra rungs further down. She actually said that the pain of me and my brother not speaking was actually worse than the pain of losing my dad. She was profoundly hurt. 
My mom and I were always close. It really hurt me to see her in so much pain. We went well into the summer. My mom and my brother both have July birthdays. My mom couldn’t stand the thought of going out with him and Satan. Of course she had already monopolized his birthday weekend and so my mom thought maybe it would be nice if just her and my brother went out that year to somewhere low key just so she could give him his birthday present. I have to say, my mom never gave up hope. She always got him a birthday gift. She text my brother and asked if he thought just her and him could meet up either before or after his birthday somewhere causal like a diner one night during the week. My brother replied and said “sure.” She thought absolutely nothing about it. It had been months since she had seen him and probably a year since they had any one on one time. This was nothing out of the ordinary for them. Even when my brother was with his ex, him and my mom would do their little mother/son date nights. They both enjoyed sushi so they’d go out for that and since my brothers ex wasn’t into all his nerdy Star Wars movies, he’d ask my mom to go to the movies with him. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. It wasn’t a big deal. 
One night she was out to dinner with a friend when she sees a text from a strange number pop up. She begins to read the text and sure enough it says, “so you think my husband is going to want to go out to his birthday dinner without his wife? Obviously not.” Then she sends a second text that says, ” I AM his wife, I AM his family.” My mom was in shock. At first she thought maybe Satan was in the restaurant somewhere spying on her and overheard her and her friend talking. The friend she was with that night was actually my brothers ex-fiancé’s mother. She had no idea why all of the sudden she was getting this text. My brother seemed totally ok with the idea and told her sure he’d go. I guess once he ran it by his drill Sargent he realized he was not a person anymore who can go anywhere alone. I mean it’s just so ridiculous. I went and visited with my mom every weekend by myself and my husband never had a problem with it. 
My mom sent my brother a screen shot of the text she got from his wife and toms him to re-read his texts. She didn’t ask to go out for his birthday celebration. She just asked to spend some quality time with her son. My brother replies that if she has a problem with his wife, to take it up with her. My mom told him if he has a problem that she asked him to go out with her than so be it. My brother then told her he had a problem with her excluding HIS family from HIS birthday and again if she had a problem with his wife to talk to her, not him. My mom explained that she had a problem with the way he allowed his wife to talk to her and that he made a big deal out of something so small. He told my mom then that if she chose to treat people disrespectfully then she needed to be prepared to deal with the consequences. That him and his wife were adults who don’t tell one another what to do (or so he thinks). Then he tells her that he’s at the beach trying to enjoy his day and he doesn’t want to discuss it. 
Looking back on those texts, I do not think my brother even wrote that. The way it’s worded, it’s not him. My brother was never a confrontational person. He never talked like this to my mom. It was all her. They never ended up going out for his birthday. I don’t even think my mom ever sent his gift that year either. I mean my brother had to understand where my mom was coming from. She just asked to see him alone. It wasn’t that big of a deal. His wife made it a big deal, not her. 
I was really nervous when this whole thing happened because a few weeks earlier I had sent out invitations for my mom’s 60th surprise birthday party. I had mentioned it to my brother back in April when he came to my house while him and Satan were fighting over the fact that he had started to see a therapist. He said to me then that he would probably have to come by himself. When you keep going around telling people you want to talk to them without your wife knowing, the people who care about you are not going to include your wife. I fought back and forth with myself whether or not I should even invite him. My family was telling me to just send an invitation to his house and leave the ball in his court. I didn’t feel comfortable inviting Satan after witnessing what I witnessed back in April. I wanted my brother to know however that he was still our family and still welcome to my home anytime. I sent the invitation but only put his name on the envelope. I figured he’d either assume she was invited or he’d at least get in touch with me and ask. After the fight over his birthday, I didn’t want to risk calling him up and possibly fighting with him, which may result in the the surprise being ruined. 
The party got closer and closer until the day finally came. I never heard from my brother whether he was coming or not but there was still a small part of me that had hoped he would just show up. The party day came. The surprise and everything went off perfect but my brother never showed up. My mom tried to hide it that day but I know she was disappointed that he didn’t come. That was the new version of my brother the living disappointment. He never even bothered to call my mom and explain herself and that made her even more upset and so a few days after the party I decided to write him another email. I told him I was very upset that he never responded to the invitation. I also told him how upset my mom was that he didn’t show. I asked him how long we were going to drag this pointless nonsense out for. I asked him if there was anyway we could all sit down and have a conversation about how to move past this. I told him we were wasting valuable time and I referenced my dad and his brother as an example. I told him it would be stupid for us to continue the family curse. My dad and his brother didn’t speak for over 30 years over the fact that my uncle got into a fight with my grandfather and a few days later my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away. They finally reunited back in the mid to late 90’s. I never saw my dad so happy. He was genuinely happy to see my uncle mike. From that day on they kept regular contact until a year later when my uncle met his fate on a barstool at his Moose Lodge. 30 years wasted for nothing. I didn’t want that to be me and my brother. 
My previous attempts to reach out to my brother were futile. He ignored them all but this time he wrote back. The was nothing conciliatory about it. What he wrote back was a long letter pointing out how I was wrong in every situation, how I owed his wife an apology and how I could’ve taken the “high road” (aka kissed his wife’s ass and walked in eggshells around her as he does). It was a very nasty letter. Again, I couldn’t believe this grudge holding, stubborn asshole was the same person I grew up with and used to hang out with all of the time. My brother was never a grudge holder. That’s not how we were raised. We were raised to love one another conditionally and to forgive. Nothing he wrote made it sound like he had any desire to move past things. 
At that point I was so fed up I let him have it. I refuted all of his points told him exactly what was up. How he completely contradicted himself. I had a feeling Satan was reading these letters and so I decided it was time I blew the whistle and confronted him about coming to my house. His wife needed to know that there was a desire from him at least at some point to fix things. He responded by telling me that all I wanted to do was write nasty letters. There was no winning. My brother was brainwashed. I asked him what he wanted from us? Did he just want us to sweep 9 months of craziness under the rug and pretend nothing ever happened? He replied yes, that’s exactly what he wanted…….

(To be continued in my next post)

Advertisements

The Honeymoon is over 

(Please see my previous posts for the story makes sense) 

The wedding had come and gone. My mom got into her another fight with them after the wedding but I don’t really remember all the details. I just remember her being upset because she didn’t hear from my brother for over three weeks after his wedding. Her relationship with him seemed to consist of fighting all of the time. Any time my mom would bring up me and him talking he would flip out. He would not sit down and even have a conversation about it. He insisted that I apologize to his wife. If that didn’t happen, the relationship didn’t exist. I would consider myself a pretty forgiving person and I am not above apologizing…..if there’s something to apologize over. In this case I was not going to apologize for defending myself. By this point in time I had started to read about narcissistic personality disorder and it became abundantly clear to me that I was dealing with one. I had a strong sense that an apology with a narcissist is like putting a bandaid on a boo-boo. It will only be a temporary fix, she’d find something else to hate me for. 

It was a weeknight in mid April, not even two full months after they had gotten married. My mom calls me and tells me that she spoke to my brother and it sounded like there was trouble in paradise. He had confided in my mom and told her that he was going to start seeing a therapist to “learn how to deal with his wife.” He also told my mom he thinks his wife has borderline personality disorder. He told my mom that he loved her regardless and wanted to try to make it work. Personally I think he forced himself to make it work because he had no other option. Moving out of her home would mean he’d have to start over from scratch. Satan made it that way on purpose. She made him completely reliant on her. He would leave that house with nothing but the shirt off his back. Neither one of us was shocked by any of this. 
I started reading about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and from what I gathered it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with at all. Borderlines are very emotionally unstable. Almost every website advised that if you notice ANY of the red flags to run and run fast, and don’t look back! Even if you were able to convince the borderline to go to therapy, successful treatment was rare. There’s no magic pill for BPD. It’s a personality disorder, not a imbalance of chemicals in your brain. I wondered to myself how my brother could read about this and still want to pursue this marriage. I couldn’t see myself putting up with it and in fact the more I read, the more I realized that one of my exboyfriends was quite possibly a borderline himself. That relationship was TORTURE. It was like being held in a prison of my own making and being waterboarded for hours and hours over the smallest of things. Borderlines fear rejection, fear abandonment and a whole plethora of other ridiculous fears. 
I was starting to become very concerned for my brother’s wellbeing but at the end of the day, it’s his life and he has to live with the choices he made. I had no choice but to just move on with my life. I had tried writing to him and never got a response. I couldn’t force him to want a relationship with me. 
It was an April night and I was in my kitchen preparing dinner for my husband when I hear a knock at the door. My husband opens the door and standing there in front of us is my brother. I hadn’t seen him since October of the year prior. Six entire months had passed. That was the longest I had ever gone without talking to him. I would never imagine this was a possibility. Right away I could tell something was wrong. He had black bags under his eyes and looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. The best way I can describe him was frazzled. We invited him in and he gave me a big hug and said he was sorry and didn’t ever want to go that long without talking again. 
He hadn’t even been there for a full two minutes and his phone started ringing. He told me he wanted to take a ride so we could talk. He excuses himself to take the phone call. My husband and I go back into the kitchen while he’s outside on my front porch. We looked at each other and I whispered. “What the fuck is going on?”. He’s quiet for a few seconds and then suddenly it turns into yelling. My husband and I look at one another with those ‘what in the fucking fuck’ faces. I wanted to hear what was being said but didn’t want it to be obvious that we were listening. Even though he was yelling it was hard to make out exactly what was being said. The only thing I managed to hear clearly was him saying, “I’m not coming home when you’re being this irrational.”. 
He was out there fighting with her for a total of almost 15 minutes. We actually kept track because it started to seem like he was out there forever. I have never felt so awkward inside my own home as I did that day. Finally he came walking back in. You could just see the worry and anxiety on his face. My husband asks if he’s ok and my brother says, “well that’s why I wanted to come here, I need to talk to my sister.”. He seemed like he was in a big rush to get out of my house, like he didn’t want to be there. I had to run upstairs and grab my jacket. My husband was asking if he wanted to go see my son and stuff but my brother just wanted to leave asap. I was in the middle of breading pork chops but I dropped everything I was doing to be there for him, but you know, I’m a bad sister and all. 
We walked out side. I can tell he was really anxious and aggravated. I asked if he wanted to smoke a cigarette or something and he told me that he just wanted to get in the car and go. It was the first time I had ever seen his mercedes. We get in the car and he starts it up and asks me if there are any parks or anywhere we can park the car and talk. Maybe I have watched one too many episodes of 48 hours and dateline but there was no way I was going to some secluded place in a car, at night. No way! My brother was totally brainwashed by this woman. If she can get him to completely write off his mother and sister, she can get him to do anything for her. I told him the library was around the corner and we can park there. 
When my brother is stressed out or worried about something he has this nervous habit where he plays with the belt loop of his jeans. I noticed he was doing it a lot. After we decided where we were going I just blurted out, What the fuck is going on? He answers me and tells me, “I do not know how much longer me and Satan are going to last.”. Right as he finishes his sentence, I notice a number flashing on the dashboard of his Mercedes, it was her calling. He said he didn’t want to answer. We hadn’t even made it to the end of my block and already she was calling. He goes on to say that he is really sorry that we didn’t speak for that long and that he wanted to fix things with me. He also told me that he had started to see a therapist because he needed to learn how to deal with his crazy wife. He told me he knew I hated her but she really wasn’t that bad of a person, she just has some issues. He said he loved her and loved his step daughter and that he wanted to try to make things work with her. 
That very night was his first session with the therapist. He went straight after work and called Satan on his way home. Everything was ok. She asked him how it went and he told her it was good. She then asked what he talked about with the therapist. My brother didn’t want to hurt her and tell her the truth so he told her that what they discussed was between him and the therapist (who happened to be a female). That was it, from that point out she went into a rage and told him she wanted him out of the house. 
As he’s telling me the story her name is flashing on the screen over and over again. I finally told him he should probably answer it. I asked if she knew he was at my house and he answered me with a very stern, “NOOOOOOO!”. He told me to be quiet and he pulls his phone out of his pocket, answers it and switches off the Bluetooth. He was holding the phone tightly up against his ear. He says hello, and suddenly this demonic voice comes out. She is screaming at him. I can hear her pretty clearly and she’s telling him that she’s fucking done and he better get home and get his shit before he finds it on the front lawn in a pile of ashes. She kept repeating, “I’m fucking done! I’m fucking done!”. I swear if I kept track there were more fucks said in that minute long conversation than there was in the entire 2 hours of Goodfellas! I mean the shit she was saying was just crazy. She was just going off. My brother trying to keep his composure in front of me just kept saying, “ok, ok!”. Finally he hangs up and lets out a big sigh. We had just reached the library, which is 4 miles away from my home when he’s like, “I gotta go home and take care of this.”. On the way back to my house my brother explained that this was a routine occurrence. He explained how she could go from zero to sixty in 2.2 seconds. It was as if some switch got flipped and usually her rage didn’t match the circumstances. He said she was constantly accusing him of things even though gave her no good reason to . She accused him of lying to him about something pretty serious before their wedding but he wouldn’t say what exactly it was. My brother is a good guy. He’s the kind of guy you want to bring home to your parents. He’s a very trustworthy person. I couldn’t imagine what it was and to this day I still don’t know. 
We got to back to my house and I felt almost as if he pushed me out of the car while it was still moving. He told me he would be back and that he still wanted to talk so we could fix things between us. I gave him a hug and got out of the car and watched him speed away. I was really concerned about my brother that night. It scared me that they were only married for two months and already they were getting into fights this bad. The threats also bothered me. It’s not like he went out and cheated on her. He went somewhere to make himself a better person. It goes to show how truly insecure and paranoid she is that she is worried that my brother told this therapist something about her. In reality what she was afraid of was the therapist exposing her. It shows that she knows the things she does aren’t right. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night. He didn’t call or text and never came back. 
The next day I woke up still worried and so I called my mom and told her to call him and make sure he’s ok. After what I had witnessed that night and how my brother reacted to me asking if she was aware of the fact that he was with me, I didn’t want to be responsible for my brother’s personal belongings being destroyed because I called him. At least what was left of them. My mom did call him and talk to him and she found out that the therapist was the one who suggested he make amends with me. The therapist told him that he should do whatever was in his heart and he shouldn’t let anyone stand in his way. Personally I think he came here on impulse. I think had he not gotten into the fight with her that day, he wouldn’t have come over. Where else was he going to go? Slowly but surely Satan was weeding people out of his life and isolating him. 

Later that day he called me from work. He told me to download aol instant messenger so we could talk. He didn’t want me to call or text him in fear she’d see it. I could tell she had successfully hoovered him back in that night when he returned home. Probably by pretending to change and telling him that she only gets so crazy because she loves him so much and she’s terrified of losing him. It’s a classic manipulation tactic called hoovering. Hoovering is another term I learned on the BPD support sites I had gotten info from. According to the Out of the fog website the definition of hoovering is as follows, “A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.” They go on to add, 

“It is most likely to happen when:

• There has just been an emotional outburst, episode of violence or other extreme period of abuse; at the point where the perpetrator realizes the victim is likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others.

• The victim starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship.

• The abuser internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship.”

All three of these things happened that day……

My brother had explained to me again that he was sorry and I told him I was too. He then assured me that he wanted to fix things between us but unfortunately it was going to have to be without her knowing about it for a while. That she wasn’t ready to move on and it had to be done in “baby steps”.  Basically what my brother was doing was enabling her behavior. Something he learned from our mother who enabled my dad’s drinking for almost 30 years. I had asked him if he thought she had a personality disorder (which I already knew he did) and he told me yes but then he went on to tell me that 1 in every 20 women have one and it’s very common, thusly trying to normalize and minimize it. (That’s a frightening statistic). Then he started to backpedal well maybe it’s PTSD and not BPD because her dad had died unexpectedly (in his 70’s) a few years prior and she was daddy’s little girl, (or so she says) and that both disorders “manifest in the same way”. I can tell he had been reading a lot of the same sites I read by some of the terms he was using. While that is true I highly doubt that was the case. If you look at her track record and two previous marriages it probably points more to BPD. 

He told me that some of the things she does are seemingly crazy she does them because she has a deep seeded fear that he is going to leave her. Then he told me she wanted him to be there and he should’ve been there for her that night. All this bullshit to downplay and minimize her bat shit crazy behavior that night . 

There was one thing my brother said that really troubled me in that conversation and that was that, “she is threatened by the close relationship me, you, and mom have, and I have to show her that my love for her and my love for you guys is different, and that there is enough to go around.”. That truly troubled me. Most normal people don’t need to be told that. It’s a given. The fact that she cannot distinguish the love in their relationship from the love in his familial relationships, shows how truly twisted she is. Even the fact that she feels threatened by us is a strange concept for me. We are his family. He can come to me for advice but I think it’s abundantly clear that he’s not going to take it. 

The game plan from then out for him was that SHE was going to pick out a therapist for him that they’d see for marriage counseling and that he’d see separately. He told me she thought he should see a guy because she thought that guys were better in general (?????). The one he picked was a woman and apparently that was another reason she flipped out that night. I don’t know if my brother realized how sick this all sounds. I mean he cannot even pick out his own therapist? I also find it interesting that she seems to think guys are “better” therapists. That is such bullshit, nonsense! No, she thinks guys are easier to manipulate. She knows damn well if she sits down in front of another woman, that woman’s intuition is going to kick in and that woman will have the ability to see right through her. She must be in control of everything…..EVERYTHING. 

(To be continued in my next post)

V-day is D-day.

There are certain things in life that cut so deep that even though the wounds heal, the piece of you never looks the same again. My mom was beside herself that I wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. She knew once it happened it was going to be another cut that wouldn’t fully heal. She didn’t want to go for herself but I told her she must. That she cannot let Satan win. My family went too. It was an awkward event from what I understood. 
The wedding was creeping up on us and as it stood I was not invited. My mom was so upset over it and so I started to devise a plan. I wanted to show my brother that nothing was going to come in the way of my love for him, not even the devil herself. My plan was to sneak into the venue right before the ceremony started and sit in the back and leave before the bride and groom came back down the aisle. I even went as far as to go down to the venue myself to check it out and see where the ceremony was held so I can find a way in and out without being seen, but in the days prior to the wedding, my mom had gotten into it with my brother and I decided that it was best I don’t go at all. 
February 14th rolled around. We had a really bad storm the day prior. I had accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be at my brothers wedding and I was perfectly ok with it. The truth was, I wanted no part of that shit show. I did NOT support my brother marrying this succubus. I thought he was making the biggest mistake of his life. The day prior to the wedding I had asked my mom how she was getting to the wedding. It ended up they didn’t even bother to provide transportation for her that day. Satan’s mom got a limo…..my mom was on her own. Naturally I was unhappy about this. I did not want my mom driving in the ice and snow, all alone, late at night. I knew she was going to need a few drinks to make it through the dreaded wedding too. I asked if any of our family members could give her a lift but she told me she had to be there earlier than everyone else to take photos. I then offered to drive her there and told her to see if someone could bring her home. I made sure she called my brother to warn him that I’d be driving her there. He said it was fine, he just didn’t want any trouble, as if I would ever cause any trouble. 
I went to her house early that day and did her makeup. She cried the whole way through. They weren’t tears of joy, I can tell you that. My mom did not want to be part of this wedding but she was so worried about being judged by her family she forced herself to go. I told her to suck it up and just try to have a good time. Me not being there wasn’t going to make or break the wedding. Everyone would have a good time regardless. She looked beautiful in her navy blue gown and shimmery shawl. I had my son with me and I loaded him and her stuff into the car and we took off.  
We pulled up to the venue. It was on a golf course that was blanketed with a fresh covering of undisturbed snow. The parking lot was empty save for a few employee cars. As we got closer to the building, we see two men standing outside in black suits. We soon realized it was my brother and his replacement best man, his friend Shane*. I found Shane to be almost an even more bizarre choice than my husband for best man. My brother and Shane met through mutual friends of his and his ex-fiancé. They weren’t long time, childhood besties or nothing. They’d only known one another for a few short years and my brother and him only started getting closer with him when he broke up with his ex-fiancé and had no other single bachelor friends to go out with. I wondered to myself why they’d be standing outside on this freezing cold, icy day. Neither of them smoke. I later found out they were standing guard in case I tried any funny business. To this day I cannot believe my brother would ever think I’d embarrass myself and my family by doing something to disrupt his wedding. 

My mom got out of the car and grabbed her belongings. She was slipping and sliding all over the place. She turned back to say goodbye to me. My brother didn’t even look at me. Instead as soon as my mom started walking in he turned around and disappeared. He didn’t even escort her into the building. He left her high and dry to walk in all by herself carrying a bunch of shit. I was so ashamed of him. That isn’t the way my dad raised him. Our dad while he had his issues was always a perfect gentlemen. The kind of guy who opened car doors and carried your bags. I cannot believe my brother watched her struggle in high heels walking across the ice, carrying bags and just walked away from her.
I watched her until she got up the steps and Into the building I drove off. That was it. This couldn’t be undone. My brother made his choice and it was one he was going to have to live with. I am not going to lie, it did hurt to know my entire extended family was there supporting this sham of a wedding and acting like it was totally ok that the sister of the groom wasn’t invited. I almost felt like Ebenezer Scrooge in a Christmas carol, watching my family enjoy life without me there. It was a shitty feeling but it was what it was. 
I went home that day and did nothing. My husband and I aren’t big on Valentine’s Day and we preferred to spend a quiet night at home. It wasn’t long before the texts started rolling in, “your mom is sitting at the table, crying.”, “your mom looks so miserable.”, “your mom is so upset that you aren’t here.” And of course the texts from my mom came in too. “I’m so fucking miserable.”. “I wish I could leave.”, “I don’t want to be here.”, “I cannot believe everyone is ok with this, my family sucks.”. 
You have to understand here. My mom is 100% Italian American. She was raised with the ideology that family is everything. Family comes above all. My dad passed ten years ago and it was a devastating blow to her. She lost the most important person in her world. All her dreams of retiring and traveling the world, playing with her grandchildren, relaxing with him, those dreams died with him. Her family is all she has. She is one of six children and she was very close with her siblings but since our family was growing so large it was hard to get together for the big holidays like Christmas and stuff. In those years following my dad’s death we started to build a new family. We became extremely close with my brothers ex-fiancé’s family. That was who went spent holidays and birthdays with for six years and then one day, that was ripped out from under her feet. All she had was me and my brother. That was her joy. She tried everything she could to stop my brother from destroying our relationship but he had made his choice. The damage was done. 
My mom was miserable in the weeks following the wedding. I heard from many family members as they recounted my mom’s behavior that night. They said she sat at the table crying most of the night. My mom didn’t even hear from my brother after the wedding. He didn’t call to say thank you or to even see if she got home ok. They went on their honeymoon and it wasn’t until about three weeks after the wedding that my mom finally heard from him. She told him she was upset that he left her to walk into the venue by herself and he told her she was selfish for having me drive her to the wedding. My brother had her on speaker phone and Satan joined in and a fight ensued. That was the day she told Satan that she ruined our family. 
Things only got worse after the wedding. My brother and I were officially estranged and things would continue on this way for the next two years…..
(To be continued in the next post) 

A knock at the door….

It was a Tuesday night when my husband got a call from a strange number followed by a knock at the door. The uninvited guest was my brother’s psychotic, narcissist wife. It ended up the strange number was her. Why she calls my husband and not me, I don’t know. Perhaps she thought she could manipulate him just like she does with my brother. 
Without being invited in, she walked into my house and asked if her and I could speak. My husband was very annoyed. We had just gotten my son to bed after a fussy day and he didn’t want the dog barking or getting exited and waking our son. I told Satan to step outside onto my porch so we didn’t wake my son. My husband closed he door behind him. Satan asks me if I wound like to go for a ride. I look out in the street and I don’t see any cars other than mine and my neighbors. To this day I don’t know or understand why she parked her car out of sight. I do not get a good feeling at al when I am around Satan. Her mere presence makes me very uncomfortable. There was no way in hell I was getting into a car that I couldn’t even see. In all reality Satan is a complete stranger to me. While I consider myself a tough person, I have no idea what this person is capable of, and especially now that I know she owns guns. I don’t trust this girl as far as I can throw her. 
I decline her offer to go for a ride and tell her we can sit outside of my home and talk. I have to admit I was a little standoffish and skeptical about her reasoning for showing up at my home unannounced, late at night like that. I also knew that earlier that day there was a fight that took place with my mom because none of my family had responded to the shower invitations she had sent out. It was only once she realized that over half of her guests weren’t going to be there, which means she wouldn’t be receiving gifts from over half of her guests either that she decided to reach out. I didn’t speak to ether of them for over two and a half months except for the one email I sent my brother about the Christmas gifts, and I am not supposed to question the convenient timing of her coming to my house? 
She takes a seat on the wicker bench on my poach and proceeds to pat her hand in the spot next to her and tells me to have a seat. She is at MY house telling me to have a seat like she owns the place. Again I declined and told her I’d prefer to stand. She starts off with telling me that she came over for my brother and that she was sick and tired of the bullshit (that she started) and that she didn’t come to discuss anything (because she’d have to take accountability) but that my brother wanted her to come over so we can talk it out (but she had already clearly told me she didn’t want to discuss anything). I told her that I didn’t really understand what the problem was and so I asked her what her issue was with my dress. Right away she got really defensive and started saying that it wasn’t her who had the problem it was all my brother, she wasn’t home, she wasn’t there, she didn’t know anything. I calmly told her with all due respect that I know my brother and I find it very hard to believe it was his problem. She kept going on blaming him and finally I asked her why if it was all my brother why was she was fighting with my mom for an hour and a half over the dress? She stops me dead in my tracks and goes, “an hour…..pfffftt! We didn’t even discuss your dress that day”. I was like “Satan, really?”. She then goes on to tell me that IF they did discuss my dress that day, it was for less than 20 minutes, if even that! Then I told her “but you were yelling at my mom that day!”. Keep in mind that the more I’d say, the more hostile she became. She got really angry at this point and was denying getting loud with my mom and she proceeds to tell me that my mom was the one who started the yelling. She said my mom started to yell and she pounded her fist very hard on her couch. As she is saying this she starts demonstrating by repeatedly hitting my wicker bench seat really hard. My husband hears this going on and comes out and tells her she better calm down because he’s going to be very angry if my son gets woken up. 
She wasn’t going to lie her way out of this one no matter how hard she tried. Of course she didn’t know but I had a recording of everything that happened that day and every time she lied I knew it was a lie. At this point now I had told her that there was no way she’d convince me that my brother was the one who had the issue. I told her if she couldn’t just be honest with me then there was really no point of talking. She started going into her whole schpeal about how she didn’t know about my dress, because she was in the city that day working at a basketball event and that she couldn’t talk to my brother on the phone all day because she was at work. I told her that I knew for a fact that My brother was texting back and forth her the entire time he was at my house, and that in fact he had shown me pictures that she had sent him of her and some famous basketball player. She then changed the story, “oh well maybe I was allowed to sneak one text under the table.” 
Basically she kept trying to change the subject which is a very common tactic. If you study the way these people argue you can see all the different methods they use to try to confuse and how they will deflect and divert the conversation away from them and on to other people. She wasn’t confusing me. I was trying to stay the course. When that didn’t work she then just kept repeating that she “didn’t come here for this”. She was getting angrier and angrier that I wasn’t backing down. I don’t even remember exactly what we were talking about but it was something about the texts I sent my brother, and whatever it was I offered to go inside and get my phone so I could prove her wrong and that’s when she jumped up and said, “this isn’t what I came here for, I’m leaving!”. She then proceeded to stomp off my front porch and as she walked away still yelling and rambling I said, “good get the fuck off my property!”. Supposedly she had the invitation for their wedding in her hand that day. I wish so bad that I had thought to record her because her version of events was that she came to my house to make amends and I slammed the door in her face. I don’t know how I can slam a door from outside but that’s what she says happened. In her version no conversation even took place. I just slammed the door. 
Looking back, that was the day that cemented my beliefs about her. In my house growing up when one member of the family had conflict with another member of the family or someone did something wrong or hurtful, we would all sit down at our kitchen table, hash it out, yell, cry, talk and then figure out a way to resolve things and move forward. How can you move past things and right your wrongs if you completely lack insight? I just don’t really know any other way to resolve problems except for just confronting them head on. Pretending that something didn’t happen doesn’t solve a god damn thing. 
Also, in retrospect I definitely had hostility towards her too. I was angry about the way she spoke to my mother and I was especially upset about her veiled gun threat via social media towards my mom. She did not take even a smidgen of responsibility for ANYTHING, AT all.
As I said in an earlier post, Satan had threatened to call of the wedding a few times. During those times my brother would call my mom and kind of tell her that me and her need to apologize to his soon-to-be wife even if we have to fake it. Only a narcissist would hold a wedding over their fiancé’s head like that and threaten to call the wedding off if he didn’t comply with their demands. 
At that time my family was trying to stand United behind my mom and since she is one of six kids, two boys and four girls, and I’m one of 12 cousins, 8 girls and 4 boys, her sisters didn’t want to attend the shower unless she said she was going for sure. My mom didn’t know what to do at that point. She didn’t think it was right at all that I wasn’t invited to the shower and she knew once certain bridges are crossed, there is no turning back……
To be continued in the next post.

A knock at the door

The wedding invitations were sent out and received by my family around the first of the new year. I was the only person to not receive one. Every day my mom would tell me she was sure it would come but it never did. My family also was invited to participate in Satan’s bridal shower. The R.S.V.P date had come and passed and Satan and my brother hadn’t heard back from virtually anyone in my family whether they were coming or not. The women in my family accounted for almost half of the guest list and so Satan was going to have a lot of explaining to do when there was about 30 empty chairs!
By this time she had managed to tick off a few extended members of the family. On of my guy cousins was dating a girl Diana (fake name) who was a professional makeup artist with a growing list of credentials. She still did some bridal makeup at the time and so Satan asked her to do hers. A few days prior to my mom’s blowout with them at their house my cousin’s girlsfriend had come to the house to do a trial run. When she was there, of course the wedding was the only thing being talked about. Satan asked Diana what she was wearing to the wedding. Diana asked Satan if she had seen my dress and proceeded to tell her that she’d probably wear something similar to that. Well leave it to Satan to twist Diana’s words. In the fight with my mom that day, she told my mom that Diana “prewarned her” about my dress. She acted as if Diana was the one who told her my dress was inappropriate! I really didn’t need to ask Diana if she said anything because I strongly sensed that she didn’t. Diana herself has a very edgy style. I didn’t think she’d see any problem with my dress. Once again, that was Satan’s way of trying to triangulate. She had to drag another person into the story to back her story up. 
Diana was pretty new to our family too, at the time and so she was pretty upset that she got the dragged into this drama by Satan. Not only was she dragged into it but she was pinned as the shit starter! Diana decided that before she get dragged into any other bullshit she wrote Satan a very nicely worded text, politely telling her that with everything going on, she thought it was best if Satan find a new makeup artist. Satan being Satan started to calling Diana’s phone relentlessly. Diana didn’t want to answer. She felt the text was enough. She knew from the conversations they had at the makeup trial that Satan wasn’t playing with a full deck. Since Diana didn’t answer her calls, Satan then did what most normal, mentally sane people would do…..she went on Facebook and unfriended Diana and my cousin! 
Satan did a lot of that. Till this day she is only friends with a handful of my family on Facebook. My mom friend requested her six weeks before she got engaged. Satan conveniently accepted her request the before my brother proposed to her. When my brother and I got into the fight about my dress, she unfriended my mom and told her it was because I went on her page and saved every single photo of her in a dress and sent it to my brother! I sent her one photo where she was at a wedding wearing a dress that was faaaar shorter than my dress. Satan also has a large bust and you can see at least four to five inches of cleavage popping out of her dress. I sent it, to illustrate that she shouldn’t be giving me lectures on appropriate wedding attire when she doesn’t dress so conservatively herself. One picture….but she told my mom I sent “EVERY PICTURE EVER, of her in a dress.”. Diane blamed my mom because my cousin confronted her after she unfriended him and his girlfriend. He sent her a photo of her kissing her ex boyfriend and told her she should take it down. It was a stupid move on his behalf but somehow my mom was blamed for it. Satan and my brother got into a huge blowout that day and Satan posted a proof of herself holding a rifle that said something to the effect of I wish I could use one of these. That was when we found out she was a gun enthusiast. Yet another thing that troubles me. 
Diana wasn’t the only one that wasn’t invited to the bridal shower…..I wasn’t invited either. My mom was very upset about everything that went on and a few weeks later when no one had R.S.V.P’d to Satan’s shower, my brother called my mom and started freaking out on her about it. That too caused a huge fight and so once again Satan went into damage control mode. 
It was a Tuesday night at around 10:00 when my husband tells me that he got a call from a strange number. I yelled out across the house to give me the number so I could look it up. As I am typing the number into my phone I hear a knock at our front door. It was very odd that anyone was knocking on our door late at night like that. My husband peeped out the window and. Turns around to me and says, “it’s Satan!”. I didn’t believe him at first but sure enough he opens the door and sure as day there she was. She brazenly walked into my house and asked if she and I could speak……

To be continued in my next post! 

Planes, dress trains and automobiles….  narcissists,  bribery and lovebombing 

A broke narcissist is evil but one that has money….diabolical. Everything is a grooming tool for narcissists (and sociopaths/psychopaths/borderlines etc) used to manipulate people……who are not considered people by the narcissists because the narcissist’s life is one giant game of chess. This is especially true during what is known as the “love bombing” phase. The end goal, is to meet you, make you fall in love with them by reflecting all of the characteristics you look for in another human being, and then and lock you down into a relationship so they can eventually gain full and complete control of you and keep you locked away in their toy chest to treat you like their own personal Barbie doll. The sooner they get you to commit, the better. They cannot keep the charade up for too long and so the sooner they trap you, the better. There’s many ways they go about doing this and I am going to discuss them here and give you examples, so keep your eyes opened for some of the keywords I use…there’s going to be a quiz at the end….I’m kidding. 
A common thing that the narcissist will do is they will try to isolate you from friends and family. They want all encompassing control over your life, and they cannot do that when there is people in your world who may point out reality to you and tell you that what they are doing is wrong, and you deserve better. I remember watching this video on YouTube where the narrator states that “narcissists hate, those who they cannot control.” Any one or thing that takes your focus off of them is no good and must be eliminated immediately. As I discussed in my last post, triangulation is one way the narcissist uses to isolate you. Splitting is also a part of that too and it means that they can only see things in terms of black and white, good or bad. Splitting is described this way on Wikipedia, ” Most often the narcissist does this as an attempt to stabilize their sense of self positivity in order to preserve their self-esteem, by perceiving themselves as purely upright or admirable and others who do not conform to their will or values as purely wicked or contemptible.” They cannot accept that a person may have flaws but can also have many redeeming qualities. People are either all good or all bad. The narcissist will then go through your friends and family with a fine toothed comb and pick out the friends who they deem as evil. 
Another way narcissists win your love is by gift giving and bribery. I have seen this mentioned in a lot of articles I have read about narcs and other cluster b personalities but I’ve never seen it expanded on. The fight between my mom and Satan happened around the 17th of November. In the weeks following the fight with my mom, and leading up to their Valentine’s Day wedding, Satan was getting really worried about her narcissistic supply (my brother) getting away. She obviously knew she made a major boo-boo. 
She threatened to call the wedding off several times during that three month period and so since she refused to accept blame or take responsibility for her outlandish demands, she resorted to some of her proven methods that she’s most likely used many times in the past, buying gifts. My brother never had money. He drove old hand-me-down cars for most of his life. I even sold him one of my old cars for a ridiculously cheap price because I felt bad that he was always driving these junkers. A year or so prior to meeting Satan he was finally able to buy his own new car. It was the first car that he actually got to pick out himself and buy. He loved that car. It was a Dodge Charger. My brother was very into 60’s and 70’s music and given the Charger had that retro muscle car vibe, he thought it was the perfect car for him. His dream car though was a Dodge Challenger. Every time we’d see one, he’s comment about one day being able to afford one. 
One day I get a text from my mom and I open it up to see a photo of my brother standing next to a charcoal gray, (low-end classed) Mercedes, with a caption that read, “thank you for my wedding gift, I love it.”. Satan leased him a Mercedes. She convinced my brother that his Charger’s transmission was going and so she told him to get rid of it and she purchased the Mercedes for him. Mercedes are beautiful cars, there is no question about that but looking at my brother standing next to it, it just doesn’t fit. I’m not saying my brother is not worthy of a Mercedes, I just don’t think it’s his type of car. I know if he had a choice he would’ve went for a cool sports car like the Challenger. The picture also upset me because it was like his last piece of autonomy was taken away. Satan took over everything he owned be either putting it in her name or making him discard or sell it. The car was the last thing he had that was his. That is a lot of sacrifice for a girl you didn’t even know for a year yet but ultimately it was his life and his choice and I guess who would pass up a free Mercedes? The Mercedes was Satan’s way of distracting my brother away from all the drama she caused with his family. How can my brother possibly be mad at her after such a grand gesture of love? Buying gifts is Satan’s way of escaping responsibility. She would do this continuously throughout their courtship. She even told us one night how she brought all her friends and ex’s away on all expense paid vacations and purchased them cars. How do you say no to someone who’s spending all this money on you? She not only did it to everyone else in her life but she tried it with me as well. 
It was Christmas Eve that year and I was wrapping all my son’s presents. I decided to take a break and so I stepped out onto my porch to have a cigarette. I open my front door and immediately I was thrown off by this white shiny object sitting in my wicker chair. Upon further inspection I noticed it was a garbage bag filled with Christmas presents. I opened up the bag and peeked inside to see if the gifts had tags on them. I see the tags are written out to me and my son, in Satan’s handwriting and it says, “from [my brother]. Her name was not on the gifts. The next morning my mom called me and told me that she too received a bag of gifts. There was one gift for her and one for my grandmother. The gift for my mom, like mine and my son’s gifts were signed only from my brother but my grandmother’s gift said, “from [my brother] and Satan.” 
Maybe I am wrong but the fact that she didn’t sign the gifts for either me or my mom and only signed her name on my grandmother’s gift was her making a very bold and clear statement to us. That she was giving us gifts but she did so reluctantly. Now I’m not usually like this but the gifts that were purchased for me and my son were almost offensive. I knew my brother didn’t pick them out. My son two very cheaply made baby toys and she left the price tags on them. They were both under $10. I know it’s the thought that counts and that was the problem. The gifts looked as if absolutely no thought was put into them. As for me, my brother has purchased me and ulta gift card every year for the past decade. This year “he” purchased me a decorative glass bowl from pier one imports along with a bag of potpourri. I can say with 100% certainty that my brother didn’t go into pier one imports and buy that. Hell I don’t even think he’s ever been in any pier one imports. The bowl didn’t really match any of the rooms in my house and I thought it was an odd choice considering the fact that I had a 12 month old son, who had been walking since he was 10 months old and was into everything! Any mom should know that glass and toddlers don’t mix. I could just envision my son eating the potpourri right out of the bowl and then smashing it on the ground when he was done. 
In retrospect, maybe I was wrong for what I did next but I did not feel right accepting gifts from them at that point in time. It had been almost two full months since I had talked to my brother, at that point. The last normal conversation we had was before Halloween. A gift wasn’t going to make up of two months of us not talking. It wasn’t going to solve anything. I wasn’t holding out for an apology. By this time I had already sensed that Satan was a narcissist. I did however expect that since me and my brother were both raised in a home where we talked out our problems, that we’d have some type of discussion on how to move forward. 
I wrote my brother and email the next day thanking him and telling him that I appreciated the gesture. I also told him that I didn’t feel right accepting gifts from them at all and so I told him since he got my son a gift, it wasn’t necessary to buy me one. I politely told him that I was going to give it back to him and that he should buy himself something with the money. He never answered my email. 
I didn’t actually return the gift to him for another week or so and this is where I was really wrong but I drove to their house in the middle of the day when I knew they’d be at work and I left the gift on their front porch. The sticker was that I had placed the bowl in its box and put the box in the same bag my dress came in which adorned the stores name where I purchased it. Looking back, I am better than that. I shouldn’t have stooped to Satan’s level. Live and learn though…
(To be continued in my next post) 

 

It takes three to triangulate. 

(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense)

In any relationship we have in life it takes effort on both sides to make things work. The same is true when things go bad. I do realize that I played a role in this. I share in some of the blame here. Looking back now, I admit I probably could’ve handled things more calmly. I am not sorry for defending myself and enforcing my boundaries but I could’ve done it in a more toned down and less aggressive way. Anger and impulsivity is something that I’m working on. All in all I have always wondered what the outcome would’ve been had I calmly told my brother I wasn’t returning my dress and I showed up to their wedding with it on. 

This picture was found on Pinterest I forget where.

I must admit I listened to the recording and analysied the shit out of it. What she was doing was triangulating. According to Wikipedia the definition of triangulation is as follows…..

“Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person will not communicate directly with another person, instead using a third person to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle. It is also a form of splitting in which one person manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. “

The definition is great and all but let’s delve deeper into who manipulative personalities like to triangulate. What purpose does it serve? To do that we need to visit a sight that I found very helpful as I sorted through all of this, http://www.outofthefog.com. It is a website dedicated to helping those who’s lives have been affected in anyway by a personality disordered human being. In their definition of triangulation it states that the end goal , ” Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.” (You can read a more in depth description here

“This competitive or “win-lose” attitude occasionally turns malevolent and will lead the person who suffers from the personality disorder to seek ways to sabotage,manipulate or otherwise undermine the position of others whom they see as a potential threat.”

When I look back there had been a few unsuccessful attempts by Satan to triangulate. I believe that early on in their relationship she saw me as a threat. My brother, probably innocently shared some information with her that scared her off and the info he shared had to do with his ex. My brothers ex was cheating on him pretty much from the time they got engaged and the two years that followed. I was on to her very early on. I had noticed a shift in her behavior that had sent off alarm bells. Prior to their engagement my brother’s ex was one of those girls who was constantly talking about getting engaged…almost to the point where she’d humiliate my brother for dragging his feet. She would draw attention to her tingles finger and make comments. 
When my brother finally popped the question, her and him had just moved into the same apartment complex that my husband and I lived in. We walked over to their apartment with a bottle of champagne to congratulate them and hear all the details about the proposal. There was a very noticeable lack of excitement from his fiancé. After all the engagement talk we would’ve expected her to be bouncing off the walls with excitement. Something was off that day, though. My brother asked and he said there was a long pause in-between him asking and her answering. In the next few months my mother threw them an engagement party and his fiancé had a complete lack of interest in helping out. In fact, she seemed completely uninterested in the entire party and wedding planning. With the way she used to pine over a ring I seriously would’ve thought she’d be at my house with a stack of bridal magazines, and an organizer/planner the day after they got engaged. My mom and I picked out everything for the party from the decorations to the party favors. 


About a year prior to their engagement my brothers ex had started working a new job as a ballroom dancer instructor, for a well known national franchise known as Arthur Murray. In the months preceding to their engagement she left Arthur Murray with her male dance partner, who was opening up his own school. It was a risky move for both. She was dedicating a lot of time to his new school. I mean she was out all hours of the night. From what I knew she was being promised all sorts of things from commissions and bonuses to a share of the business (even though she had no money to invest). Something was just weird. She was putting almost all her energy into this school and she barely making minimum wage. Her Facebook page turned from loving photos of her and my brother to photos of her and her new “business partner” dancing at ballroom competitions. My brother, the wedding and the wedding planning went completely on the back burner. I had tried hint to my brother to look into it but just like he does with Satan, he ignored all the very obvious red flags that something wasn’t right. She was cheating with her business partner. 
After my brother had finally woken up and got into her text messages it was quite obvious that she was deep into this affair and it had been going on for a long time. When she left the apartment, she owed my brother a couple of thousand dollars. A lot of that money was due to the fact that she had spent thousands of dollars of their engagement money to pay her bills because she wasn’t being paid well by 

her “business partner “. She promised to pay the money back as soon as she got a job. Naturally once the affair was discovered, my brother informed the business partner’s wife (who also happened to be pregnant at the time the affair was discovered) and this resulted in his ex losing her job. Months had passed and my brother only received $20 of the over $2000 she promised to pay him. She kept telling him that she wasn’t working. She blocked our whole entire family on social media. My brother wanted to know if she was lying about not being employed and so as crazy as this may sound. I put my sleuthing skills to work and made a phony Facebook page for our high school and friend requested her. She totally fell for it hook, line and sinker and we were able to see that she was indeed working and was lying to my brother. He then knew he wasn’t ever going to see that money, and legally he had no recourse because the money was in an account with both of their names on it. Well somewhere along the lines Satan found out about the page, and I’m not sure how but she makes mention of it in the recorded conversation with my mom. The page was made long before Satan was in the picture. I think it really scared her that I was able to trick his ex. If I could trick his ex, I could potentially trick her one day too. 


Satan knew from that point on that I was a threat to her. The fact that I was able to figure out his ex long before he did, coupled with the fact that I tricked his ex was enough for Satan to realize that I was someone who could expose her as well. When she got no reaction out of me from her first few attempts to triangulate, she decided to step up her attack by insulting me. She could not risk losing my brother after all the grooming she did.

——————————–
(To be continued in the next post.)



Stuck at the Great Debate…

If you read my posts and my story this far thank you. I got a little stuck because I am trying to figure out a way I can advance the story and also give you the full impact of why this was such a pivotal moment in my brother and my relationship. I thought about posting the recording of my mom fighting with them and blanking their names out and such but I worry with Satan. She recently threatened to press charges (I will get to that eventually) and to bring me to small claims court (again, another thing I will get to eventually). I also thought of transcribing the recording but you are talking an hour worth of dialogue. Perhaps if I were a stenographer, it wouldn’t be that bad but I’m not. At the same time, I don’t want to waste too much time on this part of the story. 
 I’m thinking ahead and in order for people to understand the rest of the story they need to understand what happened during this fight and so for now, I think it’s best that I don’t get myself entangled in a defamation lawsuit and so I’m going to describe what happened and why it changed things so drastically.  

My brother was really acting out of character at this point in time. I had felt that from day one with Satan. My brother had changed. If you look at his social media accounts there’s a very distinct change right around the time he met her. My brother was quite active on social media and specifically Instagram. Both him and I are artistically talented and so on his Instagram he had a lot of artistic photos that he took. You can see that once he met Satan he went completely off the grid and that was very unlike him. It seemed like his whole persona changed. He used to be really funny and entertaining and when Satan was around I got this sense that he felt very uncomfortable. He was quiet and serious when she was around, almost stiff and so with all of this said, him making these demands like me buying a new dress or my mom giving money for their wedding, was not normal behavior for him. 

As I left off with my brother in our text battle, I told him that if he really thought my dress was that bad and was going to embarrass him and ruin his wedding album then I didn’t have to come to his wedding. My mom was very broken up about this and so in the next few weeks, she was trying to do some damage control. She didn’t want it to reach the point of no return. My brother and Satan told her to come to their house. I was really concerned about them ganging up and bullying her. I know how my brother can be and how easily my mom gives in. My dad actually told me one day that my mother fucked my brotber up by spoiling him as a child and never saying no to him the way she did with me. Anyway, Satan’s house is just how you’d imagine a heartless devil’s abode to be, uncomfortable, sterile and sparsely decorated. There was nothing welcoming about it. 

My mom assured me that she was not going to let them bully her and to prove me wrong, she decided to record their conversation. While that may sound extreme to some, if you have ever dealt with a personality disordered being, than you will learn that tape recording is an invaluable tool… a sanity saver. It’s almost a necessity when you’re dealing with a person who has the ability to lie seamlessly, twist and turn even their own words to make them fit whatever argument they’re making, at the time. It also gave me a real introspective look into what Satan was really like. How she argues and deals with emotions. 
My mom was at their home for a total of two and a half hours that day. The first hour of the day was filled with Satan’s incessant rambling about the wedding, her dress, her centerpieces, etc. My mom couldn’t get a word in edgewise and even when she managed to get a short phrase in there, Satan would just talk right over her. At almost exactly an hour in they sit down and eat a lunch that of course, my brother prepared. After they finish eating my brother asks my mom what is was that she wanted to talk about. My mom starts off by explaining that she just wants to clear things up. She doesn’t want to fight or argue about their wedding. She goes on to explain why she was so upset about the way my brother demanded money for their wedding when he knows her financial situation. How she is a widow, how she works two jobs and how she has a health condition that she must spend $700 a month on medication to live, etc.,etc. Satan showed her true colors and complete lack of empathy by responding that she didn’t think my brother was asking for $10,000! She made no comments about my mom’s situation. No understanding of it at all. 
Now you all must understand, this whole time, Satan was vehemently denying her involvement in this. She put ALL of the blame on my brother. He was the one who had the issue with my dress. It was all his fault, she wasn’t here, she was working 40 miles away, she didn’t know anything. 
The argument progressed past my mom and went into me. The next hour was completely dedicated to her spelling out reasons why I was wrong (for defending myself) . Like most narcissists their actions and words almost ALWAYS contradict one another. While Satan was saying it wasn’t her, she wasn’t home, she didn’t know anything, ETC, she told my mom that she actually went to the store where I purchased my dress, and tried the dress on herself!!!!! Let’s let that soak in for a second…… she took time out of her busy day to go to our local mall, went to the store and searched through the racks, to try on the dress that her fiancé’s sister was wearing!!! Is that creepy or what? It’s important to note here that months later, in another recorded conversation where she avoiding accountability for me and my brother being estranged, at all costs , my mom brought up the fact that she went to the store and tried it on. Satan then changed it from, “she tried it on” to “she held it up to her.”. The reason she did that is because in the original convo, my mom’s reaction to her saying that was a very bewildered, “why would you do that?”. Satan paused and said, “because after all of this happened…and she went on to change the subject back to my texts. When they don’t have the answers they will try to divert you by taking the heat off of them and putting it somewhere else.  
Whether she held the dress up to her or tried it on, both are equally sick. People have analyzed it and said that she’s jealous of me. I don’t think anyone is jealous. I feel insecure is a better way to describe it. I feel like maybe she thought I would be stealing her thunder or something. It’s just crazy though because most normal people do not pay attention to what the grooms sister is wearing at the wedding. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of them are focused on the couple being married! In reality I don’t think any of this was really about a dress. It was about her finding a way to discard me because she felt threatened by me in some way. 
She read my mom all of the argumentative texts between me and my brother.  My brother conveniently deleted some of the texts, (which he states on the tape) and so the texts she saw started from the point that I really started to lose my shit. The beginning where I tried nicely but affirmatively to back him off, were gone. All that was left was me telling him that I didn’t have to go to their wedding if my dress was such an issue, that she looks really insecure, and that if she had a problem with me, she could come to my house and tell me to my face. She was so angry with those words I could almost feel the heat coming through my mom’s bose radio’s speakers as we listened to the recording . . I mean she was seething. 
I have to put a lot of blame on my brother for this too. He had a choice every step of the way. He could’ve did some damage control. I mean I am not exaggerating when I say they argued with my mom, about my dress for an hour, that day. Firstly he could’ve told his wife he didn’t feel comfortable with telling me to return my dress. He had to know it was going to make me upset. I mean who wouldn’t be?. They have my brother and son in their bridal party and not me, and as if that’s not a slap in the face, in and of itself, now they’re going to tell me I have bad taste and will ruin their wedding album with the ONE or TWO photos I’d be in? My brother also made another stupid choice by showing her the private texts between me and him. She didn’t need to see those. (We later found out she reads ALL of his texts on a regular basis). He created this and so he holds some accountability as well. 
Satan was the catalyst for the drama and I didn’t know then but what she was doing was actually a very common weapon in the narcissist/sociopath/borderline/psychopath arsenal, called “triangulation”. It’s when the narc pins two people against each other in order to manipulate, wreak havoc, control or isolate their victims. While she claimed she knew nothing about the dress until later that night, (when I showed my brother the dress) she was came up with every argument under the sun to illustrate why the dress was inappropriate for her wedding, however; she did 98% of the arguing about my dress. 
At times they got pretty loud as they argued back and forth and Satan threw out all her malignant narcissist cards. She lied and twisted words in her favor. She was throwing a serious hate campaign against me and while I was angry about that, considering I only met her 8 or so times, what got me really angry was the extremely disrespectful way that she spoke to my mom. I mean she was ranting and raving, yelling, screaming and cursing at my mom. At one point things got so heated my mom broke down in tears. That didn’t stop her though. She didn’t seem to have any sympathy for my moms feelings. That was something I had a lot of trouble dealing with. I would never in a million years talk to my mother-in-law like that and I certainly wouldn’t allow my husband to talk to my mother, like that. 
Things did not end on a good note that day. They ended with my mom getting fed up and walking out of their home. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, got resolved that day. In fact from that point on, things seemed to progressively get worse. To me that day was a pivotal point in the breakdown of our relationship with my brother……
To be continued in my next post! 

So…I got a dress.

The news of an engagement and a pending wedding should be a joyous thing for most families. It was a few weeks after the engagement, of my brother and his bride-to-be, Satan, on a Saturday morning, in late October, I had a doctors appointment. My husband was over at my mom’s house, along with my brother and of course Satan (she can’t let him go anywhere alone) helping my mom move some furniture around so she could get her wood floors refinished. My husband calls me as soon as he leaves and tells me that my brother had asked him to be the best man at his wedding. I have to admit, I thought it was a bit strange. While him and my brother had a bond, I didn’t think it was strong enough to be best man worthy. My husband said yes, regardless. He also informed me that there was absolutely no plan to have me in their wedding party. That also was a bit strange to me. Traditionally in an Italian-American family, siblings are automatically part of the bridal party. While it was a bit insulting, I was absolutely fine with not being in Satan’s bridal party. Something told me she was going to be a bridezilla. (Bridezilla was an understatement for what she actually ended up being). My husband thought it was really f*cked up on their part not to include me and he was very offended that I wasn’t asked and he was. 
A few days later my brother called me to ask me if my son could be the ring bearer. By this point in time he was only 8-9 months old. Being a concerned parent, I asked my brother what he would do if my son couldn’t walk by time his wedding rolled around and he told me that he’d have “someone” either carry him or push him in a wagon. I agreed to let my son be in the wedding party. So now everyone in my household was part of MY brother’s wedding party, except me. 
At first they were planning to have the wedding the following fall but for whatever reason they pushed it to way closer date….February of the following year which was less than four months away. Their exact date, February 14th. (*rolls eyes*). Four months is not a lot of time to prepare for a wedding but I’ve noticed a trend with Satan. Everything she does is rushed. That’s because narcissists and psychopaths have a constant need for excitement in their lives. It’s also because they don’t want to give you too much time to think. They want to lock you down before you open your eyes and you can easily escape. 
I was at the mall one day shopping and I went into one of my favorite stores. Well it’s not my favorite because the prices are a little out of my comfort zone but I always like to stop in. The store is called Bebe. It’s a young women’s fashion store, that sells clubwear, casual wear and some professional wear. I always like the dresses in there and it’s always when you don’t need one that you see one you like. I browsed around and saw a few I liked and so I went into the dressing room and tried them on. There was one in particular that I liked. It was a strapless, purplish/burgundy color satin material with black lace trim on the top and bottom. I figured it was perfect for my brother’s Valentine’s Day wedding. 
Authors note*I forgot to mention something kind of big, in this story and it just dawned on me, the day my brother informed me that he was going to propose to Satan he also shared some other rather big news with me. This wedding wasn’t her first marriage. In fact, it wasn’t her second either! The marriage to my brother was going to be her third wedding!!! Now I am not saying that everyone who has multiple marriages is messed up but coupling this along with all of the other troubling stuff I learned about Satan, it was a sure sign that something wasn’t right. My brother asked me not to share the information with my mom, not because he didn’t want to share it, but because SHE didn’t. That too, made me feel uneasy. He didn’t really know the reasons why her two previous marriages didn’t work out but the fact that she wanted to keep this secret bothered me. Was she hiding something? Was there some problems in her previous marriages she didn’t want us knowing about? What was her reason for hiding this info? Why was a woman who hasn’t reached the age of forty yet, already divorced twice with multiple failed, long term relationships in the last 5-7 years?
It was the night I purchased my dress when my brother called me up and asked me if I wanted to do a reading at the wedding. I had already known he was going to ask me. My mom said something to him about me not being in the wedding party, (even though I asked her NOT TO!!) and this was their half assed , solution to not including me. Seeing that I’m not a big fan of public speaking I politely tried to decline the offer. While we were on the phone I decided to inform my brother that I purchased a dress for his wedding. I knew I was on speaker phone and I can hear someone whispering in the background. I’m telling him how I kind of accidentally found the dress while browsing around when he cuts me off and asks me what color it is. I try to explain the color as best I can. In the store lighting it looked more purplish but when I got home it appeared more burgundy looking. I couldn’t give him a definitive answer but none the less I told him it was more in the purple family than red. He then asked me what store I got it from. I had him on speaker phone as well and my husband and I looked at one another, completely puzzled because it was a weird question, coming from my brother. I told him the store name and heard him repeating my answers. I then changed the subject and in the middle of me talking he cuts me off and asks me to describe the color of my dress AGAIN! At this point, I know my brother has absolutely ZERO interest in my dress. HE isn’t the one asking the questions, Satan is. Again my husband and I looked at one another, completely confused and so I had to jokingly ask my brother, “what are you worried we are going to wear the same dress, or something?”. 
It was about three weeks after my conversation with my brother where he was asking weird questions about my dress. Just to give you an idea of how NOT into my fashion my brother is, there was this one time we were headed to a family function. My brother and I both still lived at home with our parents at the time. I was standing in the kitchen talking to him in the dress I was wearing for the party. He left the house to go pick his ex-fiancé up to go to the party. Later on I showed up at the party and I see everyone pointing at me and laughing. I turn around to see that my brother’s girlfriend had the SAME EXACT DRESS on as me!!! This wasn’t some plain dress, it had a bold pattern and was pretty unique. The fact that he didn’t even realize it’s familiarity when he picked up his girlfriend, goes to show how much he pays attention to what I’m wearing. 
Anyway, I had thought originally his wife was concerned that my dress was going to clash with her bridesmaids dresses which were red. The way I described the color made it sound like it was a reddish color and so a few weeks later when my brother showed up at my house, completely unannounced (once again) I decided to pull the dress out and show him. He’s color blind anyway but I’d figure he’d at least be able to calm Bridezilla and tell her that my dress was not the same color as her bridesmaids. Once again, my brother was tranced into his phone texting back and forth with her. I was talking to him and once again, he wasn’t responding. He was hypnotized by his phone and so at one point I actually even said to him, “I don’t know why I’m talking to you because you’re not even paying attention.” and he didn’t even hear me say that! We were outside on my front porch. I went inside and pulled the dress out from my closet. He looked at the dress for all of about 2 seconds, said, “oh…nice.” and went back to texting Satan. That was the day that changed everything…..
To be continued in my next post. 

The dress heard round the world. (Part 5)

(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense). 
I had showed my brother the dress I got to wear for his wedding. He showed about as much interest in it as I show when he tells me about his comic book characters. Before I go on, I have to put this all into perspective. My brother and Satan had hardly known one another for six entire months before they got engaged. I had only met Satan a handful of times. I could probably count my encounters with her one two hands. Most of those times we were at parties or other social functions and didn’t have one-on-one time with her. The few times we had one-on-one time it was her talking at me (not to me) and me just sitting there stunned that someone can talk this much but have nothing substantial to say. On top of that, this was her THIRD wedding. It was by all intents and purposes, a small wedding. The actual wedding ceremony was taking place at the same place as their reception. The guest list consisted of mainly MY family because Satan isn’t in contact with most of her family and all she has is a few “friends” and co-workers. It was a Valentine’s Day wedding (barf) because of course, what narcissist wouldn’t want to be the object of everyone’s affection on a national holiday!? I wasn’t asked to be in their bridal party and so I went out and purchased a dress as if I were just another guest at their wedding. I had just lost all my baby weight and finally felt comfortable in my skin again and wanted to wear something that flattered my body. I had every right to pick my own dress out. 
My brother left my house that day and I had called my mom to tell her all the shy he talked about her. He was complaining to me that my mom didn’t offer any money to help fund their wedding! I tried to explain to him that when I was still planning a wedding (my husband and I sort of eloped at town hall because I got pregnant while we were planning our wedding and needed his health insurance) my mom also didn’t offer any money to pay for my wedding either. I explained that “traditionally” the bride’s parents usually pay (if they can) and the grooms parents don’t contribute that much but that didn’t stop him from thinking my mom should kick in at least a couple thousand because Satan’s mom was giving them $20k or so. As you can imagine, my mom was pissed. He had already told her he thought she should be paying and now he was complaining about it to me. 
As we are talking I receive a text from him. I tell my mom to hold on so I could read it. It says, “I like that dress……but how long is it?”. Here we go again, “my brother” is all concerned about my fashion. I was STUNNED. My mom told me to write back, “I don’t know, I didn’t measure it!”. I mean it’s just ridiculous. Now it all made sense to me. Typically my brother doesn’t just show up at my house for no reason. He always has a purpose, whether it’s to ask me something or to tell me something. He never just shows up for no reason and that day, he came to see the dress. Luckily I pulled it out before he had to ask but if I didn’t pull it out that day, he eventually would’ve asked. I know it. Satan sent him here to scope it out. 
After my sarcastic reply he comes back and tells me, “I don’t know, I think it’s inappropriate…” he went on to lecture me about appropriate wedding attire for women and tell me how usually women wear dresses that are knee length. I was SHOCKED! I didn’t know when my brother became an expert in women’s wedding attire but I was seriously annoyed. I sent him a picture of me in my dress and showed him that it sat an inch above my knees. He then proceeded to tell me that it looked like lingerie and that it was inappropriate and he asked me to get a new dress. I politely tried to back him off. I told him that the dress had passed the 21 day return policy mark and that I had already spent $200 and couldn’t afford to spend more….. He kept pushing telling me he’d prefer if I wore a different dress to his wedding because I was going to be in their wedding album, insinuating that I was going to somehow ruin their photos with my “inappropriate dress”. 
After the comment about the photos I lost my shit! I will take responsibility here, I have a sharp tongue. When I get angry, hurt or offended, I sort of get verbal diarrhea! At this point in time I just had enough with his “soon-to-be wife” (that was Satan referred to herself as during their short engagement period. After they got engaged and told my mom, she showed me a photo of the engagement ring in which I had never seen. Just trying to be nice, I complimented the ring and asked him where he got it. He didn’t answer me that day. The next day he wrote back and thanked me and I asked one more time where he got it….that was it. He called my mom up and told her to tell me to stop asking questions about the ring! My mom calls me and she’s all pissy with me asking why I am prying into my brother’s personal business and why I keep asking about the ring. Apparently, it was “upsetting his soon-to-be wife”. I sent her screen shots of the two times I asked where he got it. He told me it was custom made, a tiffany’s replica and so I just wanted to know where you can get that done. That’s all! He told my mom I was trying to find out how much he paid for it. I never asked any such questions. Between that, him telling my mom she should be paying for their wedding and now my dress, we were both starting to see the writing on the wall. My brother was marrying bridezilla! 
I went off on my brother and told him straight up that I knew it wasn’t HIM that was really concerned about my dress and that if his wife wanted to control my attire she should’ve put me in her bridal party. I also told him that he sounded like a puppet and I was really upset. As he came back, still harping about me getting a new dress, I told him his wife was looking really insecure and that if she had a problem she should be the one to come to my house or call me about it instead of using him as her megaphone. I now know this is a common tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths alike, know as “triangulation”. They will pin two people against one another by way of an object or third person, therefore creating a triangle of misery! 
I got the hint Satan didn’t care much for me, long before their engagement, but she never really had a good opportunity to really offend me. There were a few small things that happened along the way that let me know, I was nearing the top of her shit list. For instance, she had made a comment once in front of my husband when we were over there helping my brother move his bed in so Satan’s daughter could sleep on it. I waited out in the car because my infant son was sleeping. She tells my brother, “oh, I have to invite your mom and your sister to my jewelry party”. She goes to hand my husband my invitation and then she says, “on second thought, she probably won’t want to come.” She never handed him or me the invitation. In fact she ended up inviting my mom but not me. We laugh about this but she we think it all started because of a pair of shoes I wore to a BBQ at her house. It was our first time attending a get together at her house, shortly after my brother moved in. I wore a flowy sundress and a pair of wedge heels. She walked us up the steps to her back balcony to the second floor of her house and she sees my shoes and asks me, “why are you wearing heels?”. My husband answered and says, “my wife always wears heels!”. She then went on to tell me that I shouldn’t be wearing them, that I was going to fall and hurt myself. She was insisting I borrow a pair of her flip flops. I politely declined by telling her my feet were a 91/2 and her flip flops probably wouldn’t fit me. It was so weird. I couldn’t figure out why she was so bothered by my footwear. 
Anyway, after her other failed attempts to piss me off, she used the dress as means to rid me from my brother’s life. I remember seeing this quote in a video on YouTube, “Narcissists hate those they cannot control”. My true belief about her is that she’s a malignant narcissist, meaning she’s a narcissist with sociopathic/psychopathic traits. MN’s, sociopaths and psychopaths have a very good read on other people. I think she realized from the second time I met her, that I could see right through her, that I was the person who would be able to expose her and somehow convince my brother that she was no good. The sooner she got rid of me the better and so she used the dress to get me and my brother in a fight. 
I told my brother that I didn’t have to be in his photos or even come to his wedding for that matter. Maybe it was a bit harsh but I wasn’t about to have to walk on eggshells with yet another one of his girlfriends. I did it for six years with his ex who at times could be a little overly sensitive, and I wasn’t about to do it for some girl that I hardly knew. 
Things got real ugly after these texts about my dress. This is when I became sincerely concerned about my brother and realized that he was really scared of his “soon-to-be wife”. I had seen little hints here and there. For instance, my brother started smoking cigarettes again after he broke up with his ex. About a month into their relationship, Satan quit smoking and expected him to quit as well. He didn’t and so every time he’d see me he’d be bumming cigarettes off me, and ducking out in the corners where she couldn’t see him. There was this one specific time I got in the car with him and he had just smoked a cigarette and was about to drop me off and head to her house. He puts his cigarette out and gets in the car. Before he starts driving, he opens his center console and starts pulling out all these things to cover up the cigarette smell. He pops a piece of gum in and bathed himself in antibacterial lotion, even rubbing some on his face. Then he pulls out some Axe body spray and is dousing himself in it. I looked at him and said, “what the hell are you doing?”. He told me he was covering up the cigarette smell so she didn’t smell it. I jokingly said, “well isn’t she going to think it’s weird that your face smells like antibacterial lotion?” We both laughed but then I seriously asked him, “what’s the big deal if you smoke?”. He answered me, “you don’t understand, she will KILL ME if she knew I was smoking.”. While there’s no question that smoking is a horrible, nasty, disgusting, disease causing habit, what’s the big deal? I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell her he messed up or was having trouble quitting and I expressed that him and all he said was, “you don’t understand, she will KILL ME.” That troubled me for many reasons. One being that they had just started dating. I found it a bit strange that someone would have that much control over someone that early on in the relationship. I also found it scary that my brother was afraid to expose a weakness in front of her. I got the sense that he had probably already done so and it didn’t go so well. Looking back now that was when it all started. 
To be continued in my next post.