The perfect victim. (Part 1)

My brother and I were always close. When we were kids, people always used to compliment my mom about how well him and I got along. We are a little over two years apart in age but three grades in school. Sure we had our sibling fights but for the most part my brother was cool and never minded having his little sister tag along. Personality wise, we are polar opposites. He is quiet and sort of introverted. I am more social and extroverted. He is very book smart, I am more street smart. He loves classic rock, I listen to gangsta rap. As different as we were we shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. Nevertheless we always got along. 

Of course, as with any siblings, there were the occaisional sibling battles over the years. We would bicker at times but the good times always far outweighed the bad. If you would’ve told me five years ago that him and I would go three years without speaking to one another, I’d tell you to stop hitting the crack pipe, because you’d have to be high to Ever think such a ridiculous thing was even possible. Here I stand now and it’s been about three years that my brother and I have been estranged. Three years since we had a normal relationship. Three years that I have been mourning. 

Why do nice guys like him fall for women like this?

Looking back, my brother has always chosen domineering women. I tend to think it stems from his lack of self esteem. We grew up in a home with an alcoholic father in whom he did not get along with. Basically put, my dad treated him like shit. He would constantly put him down and call him a ‘lazy prick’. Not exactly the kind of words an encouraging and supportive father would say. A man needs a good bond with his father in order to be a confident man. Anyhow,   He’s a people pleaser or more so, a woman pleaser. He also tends to be a bit self centered when it comes to friends and family, but women, he’s getting something out of it and so he aims to please. 

Another thing he lacks is identity. My brother never seemed to know who he was. Most people change and evolve but don’t deviate too far from their roots  when it comes to interests and hobbies. For instance, I’ve always liked rap music. I went through a VERY short lived phase in the early 90’s where I stopped listening to it. In fact that only lasted one short school year in 8th grade, but by 9th grade I was right back on it and stayed a loyal fan until this day. I was always interested in creative hobbies and sure I’ve experimented with new ones here and there but I always stuck to the ones I really enjoyed, like jewelry making. No matter what I was into during my life, at my core, I was always kind of the same person. I liked fashion and tried to keep up with trends but never went to any extremes and drastically changed my style. I was always me. My brother, on the other hand went balls to the wall when he was into something. When his interests change his entire persona changed with it. It’s like he was always trying to find himself and he always identified through other things and was never just him. For instance, in high school he became obsessed with the Grateful Dead and Phish. His whole entire life revolved around it. He grew his hair long and started dressing like a hippie. He read books about the Dead, started smoking pot and taking acid. It’s like he traveled in time and got into everything that was going on in that time. He had an entire collection, 100’s of Casette tapes of live Grateful Dead concerts. Everything was about the Grateful Dead. He wore their shirts and bathed in patchouli oil and played hacky sack and devlin sticks. He wanted to camp out at music festivals, the whole 9. He lived, breathed and shit the Grateful Dead. Ok he didn’t shit the Grateful Dead but how cool would it be if you could shit little Grateful Dead bears?! 

Soon after that phase,  he started dating this girl he worked with at a bowling alley. At that time he started watching movies like the Big Labowski and Swingers and then suddenly his entire style changed again. He cut off his ponytail (actually I did! I couldn’t wait to cut that thing off) and he got a short crew cut type fade. He started walking around dressed in slacks with a wife beater and these ugly, opened up bowling shirts. He dropped the Grateful Dead and started listening to Jazz music and all this crazy shit. 

The point here is that he never seemed to be able to find his own niche in life. He was always trying to be someone he was not. This all didn’t make sense to me until recently. I never connected it with self esteem but looking back now, that’s why he was constantly trying to find himself. He had no self esteem and didn’t know where he belonged in this world. 

Narcissists prey on people like my brother. They can smell their weaknesses from a mile away. He had just gotten out of a six year long relationship/engagement when he was swooped off his vulnerable feet by this charming narcissist. 

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