Peeling the onion…..(part 3)

Onions make you cry. Narcissists make you cry even more. I remember in my college acting class my professor told me about “peeling the onion”.  The actor needs to peel away each layer to reveal another. The same thing happens with a narcissist. This is why narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths alike must rush all their relationships. They must anchor you down before the mask slips. 

Slowly but surely, as an outsider looking into an unhealthy, rushed relationship of a loved one and a narcisssit, you will notice the layers slowly peeling away. You can also use that metaphor for the victims because slowly but surely their freedom, independence and autonomy is being peeled away. As an outsider looking in, it’s like watching a car wreck in slow motion. 

A little less than a year prior to meeting Satan (the Narcissist) my brother had gotten out of a 6 year long relationship. He was still vulnerable. He was still not 100% over what happened to him. His ex was cheating on him, with her boss, for the last two years of their relationship. He was still mourning the loss. He was still rebuilding himself. One of the ways in which he did so was by refurnishing the apartment he shared with her. She had moved out and he agreed to keep paying the lease. He purged. He redecorated their once feminine apartment and made it look like a bonafide bachelor pad. His ex had left almost everything behind. I guess her shame wouldn’t allow her to ask for things back. She packed her shit up in less than a day and was gone. She only took her personal belongings like clothing, jewelry and toiletries and left all furniture and housewares behind. 

My brother was nervous about cancelling his lease. He was hardly making the rent by himself. He was scared the leasing company was going to penalize him for breaking the lease early. Thankfully, Satan had a solution. She demanded that he contact his ex and tell her to pay the fees for the early cancellation of the lease. She made my brother call her and rightfully so, she told him there was no way in hell she was going to pay. As much as I disliked his ex at the time for what she did to him, human to human, I had to let my brother know that it wasn’t fair to make her responsible for his cancellation fees. All in all, he had agreed to finish out the lease. Legally I don’t know if his verbal agreement was binding but morally he agreed to finish it out. 

My brother was really nervous about having to come up with this extra money that he didn’t have. He also was a bit upset about losing his security fee but he told Satan he was going to cancel his lease anyway. Convieniently in the middle of him making this decision, he called me one day and told me he got laid off from his job. I asked him how many other people were laid off and his answer troubled me, “no one….. just me.”. He had to fill out his papers for unemployment benefits and I told him he needed to call his job and ask them whether he was laid off or fired. Any discrepancy in the paperwork could hold up his money. If he wrote he was “laid off” and his former employer said he was “fired”, it would cause him a huge problem and possibly prevent him from even getting his benefits. I told him to reach out to his manager and ask. It couldn’t hurt. Sure enough his manager emailed him back and told him the reason he was “fired” was because his excessive lateness to work in the recent months. He was warned about it in the weeks prior to his departure but he continuted to be late. My brother hadn’t been fired from a job since he was 16. Now at 36 years old, he suddenly cannot get himself to work on time? He wasn’t just 10-15 minutes late. He was showing up a half hour-45 minutes late everyday. 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that Satan was behind this. I found the timing of his job loss to be waaaaaaaay too coincidental. Here he was, trying to decide if he was going to cancel his lease and move in to her house and he’s worried about money and fees and stuff. Satan called the leasing office at his complex and worked out a deal. So long as they can get the apartment rented within a short amount of time, my brother wouldn’t have to pay any penalties. If there was any doubts on my brother’s behalf about moving in to her home, she just erased them. Without a job he wouldn’t be able to keep his apartment anyway so it’s either move back home with mom, or sell your soul to the devil. He chose the devil. 

The one thing Satan has to back her up is money. It seems as if she has an endless supply. She sells insurance and while I think she probably makes a decent salary, I also believe she has other sources. One being her ex-husband. He’s an executive for a company that owns a popular ice cream parlor chain. He probably makes well into the six figure range. Well she’s no dummy. She made sure to get pregnant with his kid. That’s his one and only kid. He never remarried. Never had more kids. I assume it’s because Satan completely tarnished his view of women. He’s probably too traumatized to date again. Anyway, I assume she gets a good 17% of his salary and doesn’t have to reach into her own pocket EVER to care for their daughter. 
My brother moved in with Satan in late June of 2013, 3 months after meeting her. Satan told him he didn’t need to bring ANYTHING to her house. She had it all. I sat back and watch him sell off all the new furniture we had just picked out in the months and weeks prior. He came to my house one day with a box of kitchenware. My brother loves to cook. Over the years he acquired lots of kitchen gadgets. He divided them up between me and my mom and whatever we didn’t need, he threw in the garbage. Everything was either sold or dumped. 

EVERYTHING.I went to his house to help him pack up the rest of what was left. He was acting really strange that day. It was like he was in a frenzy to get rid of his stuff. He filled up the dumpster with furniture and housewares and he threw away so much stuff the the superintendent of his apartment complex yelled at him for taking up too much of the dumpster. He was throwing away some good stuff. It was strange. He didn’t want to take the time to bother and see if anyone else could use it or if he could donate it to a Salvation Army, he just wanted it gone. I was insisting he keep some of it and he told me, “Satan doesn’t want me bringing any extra stuff there.” I bagged up some stuff that I knew was important to him and brought it over to my mom’s house to put in her attic. When all was said and done my brother got rid of everything he worked so hard for, for the last 6-7 years. All he brought to her house was his clothing and toiletries. She let him bring over his new dresser that he had just purchased and she put it in an extra bedroom, so he can store his clothing. The only other housewares she allowed was his bed in which she gave to her pre-teen daughter. That one still disturbs me. He used to sleep with his ex on that bed. Now her daughter is sleeping in it? That’s just weird. 
After he was all moved in she started to slowly but surely erase any shred of his independence, starting with his phone. She told him he was over paying for it and that she got a better deal with her service provider and so he cancelled his phone contract and signed onto hers. The next thing to go was his car. She told him his transmission was going, because you know, Satan is a mechanic (along with every other profession in the world). His car wasn’t even 5 years old. The transmission was FINE. 
When all was said and done, Satan now owned my brother. He was jobless, carless, furnitureless, phoneless, identityless. He couldn’t leave her, even if he wanted to, he would have to start completely over. He would have to rebuild his entire life. It would be him, his clothes and toiletries; and a brand new dresser. THAT’S IT. 

To be continuted in my next post. 

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Along came Satan. (Part 2)

From this point out in this blog I will refer to the narcissist as Satan. It’s a fitting name for a creature like her. 

My brother had been single for almost a year. He had dated around but one day decided he wasn’t fully over his ex-fiancé of 6 years and he wanted to work on himself before getting into a serious relationship again. It was exactly three weeks later when he called me up on a Sunday morning and told me he met this really hot girl at a St. Patrick’s day celebration in a town that was almost two hours away from where we lived. He didn’t get the girls number that night and he was kicking himself for it the next day. 

A week later I got another phone call and he told me I wouldn’t even believe it. The hot girl from St. Patrick’s day, showed up at his local weekend hangout spot. At the time I thought nothing of this innocent coincidence. This time he told me he got her number and he wanted to take her out on a date. Their first date turned into him staying the night with her and from that point on they were hanging out almost daily.Right off the bat he spoke so highly of this girl. She was intelligent, motivated and very successful. She seemed to have her head on straight and she was basically the polar opposite of his ex, who was one of those people who went to college for way longer than they had to and was constantly on a search to find their true calling. 

At the time my brother was working a full time job and taking college courses to finish up his degree. He had dropped out of college almost a decade prior and decided in his early 30’s to switch his major and get his degree. During the love bombing phase of this new relationship he was up all hours of the night with her. He started doing all his studying and homework at her house and then they’d be up all night doing things I probably don’t want to even think about! 

There were things in the beginning that really didn’t sit right with me. Before I go on I should preface this with a little personal story. In my late teens/early 20’s I was in an emotionally, (and on two occaisions, physically abusive) relationship. My exboyfriend was extremely jealous and very controlling. It was the first serious relationship I had ever really been in, and so I had nothing to compare it to. I was young and naive. When I finally realized what was going on, (via my best friend sharing her concerns about my boyfriend’s crazy behavior with my mom) I broke up with him. After we had broken up I will never forget reading this article in Cosmopolitian magazine. It was about emotionally abusive relationships. In the article they discussed some of the warning signs. One being that relationships with abusive people usually move at a very fast pace and are very intense right from the get go. That one red flag stood out to me because it was a warning sign I don’t think most people would pick up on. There’s a reason people say that you can be “blinded by love”. I swear the person who coined that phrase was most likely in a relationship with an abusive, manipulative, cluster B*, personality disordered person. When someone is showering you with so much praise and attention, right off the gate, it’s hard to see past that, but it’s an important sign to proceed with caution. 

Anyway, once I was made aware of the red flags, they were signs that I tried to pay attention to, not only in my own relationships but in the relationships of the people around me. I noticed my brothers relationship was moving extremely fast. After only two weeks of dating, my brother brought up in conversation one day that he knew I was going to think it was crazy, but he and Satan had already started discussing him possibly moving in, in the future. That concerned me very much, but I tried to give their relationship the benefit of the doubt. 

I slowly but surely started hearing other things that concerned me. Once being that his new love seemed to be collecting Intel on him from various, “secret” sources. She had told him that a good friend of his went to her gym and that the friend was giving her the scoop on my brother’s personal life. My brother himself even thought this one was strange. I remember being on the phone it’s him racking our brains out as to who this secret friend could be. She would not reveal the name. 

The other concern of mine was the fact that she had a daughter from a previous marriage. At first she had told my brother it would be months and months before he would meet her daughter because she didn’t want her daughter getting attached to yet another guy who wasn’t going to be in it for the long haul. She wanted to make sure he was serious before she did anything. She gained a point in my book when he told me that. I thought it was good that she was putting her daughter’s wellbeing before her own and that was admirable, but then it was exactly three days after she gave him that whole big speech that she introduced the two of them. Somehow in those three days she was able to deduce that he was a good guy who was in it for the long haul? 

My first meeting with her was about a month after they met and it was unremarkable. She was very quiet. She didn’t talk much at all. At one point, my brother, her and I all walked outside to smoke (gross I know) and she started to talk a little more. The thing is though, she didn’t say a word to me. Her entire conversation was directed at my brother. I chalked it up to nerves. When we left dinner that night I didn’t feel any way about her. I didn’t like her, nor did I dislike her. 
It was at our second meeting a week or so later where I got a better look into who she was. This time she and my brother came to my home. Our mom wasn’t there as she was the first time and so it gave her an opportunity to loosen up a bit more and that she did. She walked into my house like she owned the place. I’m not saying my house is that interesting but she made no comments on the unusual things around the room that most people point out upon entering our home for the first time. She kind of just sat down and started talking away. That night she wouldn’t shut up. I felt like I was sitting in on a college lecture. She talked at us, not with us. The entire night she discussed mainly her material possessions and lifestyle. She said nothing of substance. Nothing like the usual stuff you would talk about when you’re trying to get to know another human being, like where you’re from, your family, your heritage or anything of that nature. The night was like an extremely long, late night infomercial and she was the product. 

When they finally left that night my husband closed the door behind them and then turned to me and said., “you don’t like her, do you”. I answered with a firm no and he agreed, he wasn’t very impressed either. 
At the same time, as much as I didn’t like her I tried to keep my opinion to myself and just be a supportive sister to my brother. It was now the third month of their relationship when my brother showed up at my house. Again he prefaced his news by telling me that I’m going to think he’s crazy and that he was going to break the lease on his apartment (that he just completely refurnished after his ex left) and move into her house. I would be completely lying if I said this didnt trouble me deeply. Putting my own personal opinion of her aside, I just felt it was far too soon to move in with anyone. God, if I only knew what was to come next, I never wouldn’t bit my tongue……
The story will be continued in my next post. 

The perfect victim. (Part 1)

My brother and I were always close. When we were kids, people always used to compliment my mom about how well him and I got along. We are a little over two years apart in age but three grades in school. Sure we had our sibling fights but for the most part my brother was cool and never minded having his little sister tag along. Personality wise, we are polar opposites. He is quiet and sort of introverted. I am more social and extroverted. He is very book smart, I am more street smart. He loves classic rock, I listen to gangsta rap. As different as we were we shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. Nevertheless we always got along. 

Of course, as with any siblings, there were the occaisional sibling battles over the years. We would bicker at times but the good times always far outweighed the bad. If you would’ve told me five years ago that him and I would go three years without speaking to one another, I’d tell you to stop hitting the crack pipe, because you’d have to be high to Ever think such a ridiculous thing was even possible. Here I stand now and it’s been about three years that my brother and I have been estranged. Three years since we had a normal relationship. Three years that I have been mourning. 

Why do nice guys like him fall for women like this?

Looking back, my brother has always chosen domineering women. I tend to think it stems from his lack of self esteem. We grew up in a home with an alcoholic father in whom he did not get along with. Basically put, my dad treated him like shit. He would constantly put him down and call him a ‘lazy prick’. Not exactly the kind of words an encouraging and supportive father would say. A man needs a good bond with his father in order to be a confident man. Anyhow,   He’s a people pleaser or more so, a woman pleaser. He also tends to be a bit self centered when it comes to friends and family, but women, he’s getting something out of it and so he aims to please. 

Another thing he lacks is identity. My brother never seemed to know who he was. Most people change and evolve but don’t deviate too far from their roots  when it comes to interests and hobbies. For instance, I’ve always liked rap music. I went through a VERY short lived phase in the early 90’s where I stopped listening to it. In fact that only lasted one short school year in 8th grade, but by 9th grade I was right back on it and stayed a loyal fan until this day. I was always interested in creative hobbies and sure I’ve experimented with new ones here and there but I always stuck to the ones I really enjoyed, like jewelry making. No matter what I was into during my life, at my core, I was always kind of the same person. I liked fashion and tried to keep up with trends but never went to any extremes and drastically changed my style. I was always me. My brother, on the other hand went balls to the wall when he was into something. When his interests change his entire persona changed with it. It’s like he was always trying to find himself and he always identified through other things and was never just him. For instance, in high school he became obsessed with the Grateful Dead and Phish. His whole entire life revolved around it. He grew his hair long and started dressing like a hippie. He read books about the Dead, started smoking pot and taking acid. It’s like he traveled in time and got into everything that was going on in that time. He had an entire collection, 100’s of Casette tapes of live Grateful Dead concerts. Everything was about the Grateful Dead. He wore their shirts and bathed in patchouli oil and played hacky sack and devlin sticks. He wanted to camp out at music festivals, the whole 9. He lived, breathed and shit the Grateful Dead. Ok he didn’t shit the Grateful Dead but how cool would it be if you could shit little Grateful Dead bears?! 

Soon after that phase,  he started dating this girl he worked with at a bowling alley. At that time he started watching movies like the Big Labowski and Swingers and then suddenly his entire style changed again. He cut off his ponytail (actually I did! I couldn’t wait to cut that thing off) and he got a short crew cut type fade. He started walking around dressed in slacks with a wife beater and these ugly, opened up bowling shirts. He dropped the Grateful Dead and started listening to Jazz music and all this crazy shit. 

The point here is that he never seemed to be able to find his own niche in life. He was always trying to be someone he was not. This all didn’t make sense to me until recently. I never connected it with self esteem but looking back now, that’s why he was constantly trying to find himself. He had no self esteem and didn’t know where he belonged in this world. 

Narcissists prey on people like my brother. They can smell their weaknesses from a mile away. He had just gotten out of a six year long relationship/engagement when he was swooped off his vulnerable feet by this charming narcissist. 

Introduction. 

There are a lot of websites out there dedicated to Narcissists which means there’s a lot of info about Narcissists and more specifically; narcissistic personality disorder (also referred to as NPD). Those sites are great because they explain all the signs and characteristics of these unfortunate individuals. I know, because I have read a lot of them. Three years ago, a narcissist entered my family and it was not by choice…….well I mean who would purposely choose to have a narcissist in their inner most circle? What I mean is that it’s not my spouse or significant other. I didn’t choose for this person to be in my life at all, she was forced upon me. She is the reason I started reading about Narcissistic personality disorder. I wanted to get to know more about this selfish, heartless, lying, soul sucking, pariah. 
What I found in my online search for answers was a lot of information that basically confirmed my intuitions that something was seriously wrong with this individual, but what I didn’t find a lot of was stories that I can really relate to. While I could relate to the chaos and agony their scorned victims have dealt with, I didn’t find much about how the narcissist effected the other people in the victim’s lives. Narcissists do not care about ANYONE but themselves. Period. Point blank. End. Of. Story. People are not people to them, they are objects. Anyone in their life is looked at like a pawnin their sick and twisted chessboard. They don’t care for their victims and they certainly don’t care or their victim’s families either…..that is unless they have something to gain from them. Most of the victims of these disgusting creatures are either too traumatized or too afraid to share their stories.

Journaling is what helped  keep me sane in my teens. I kept a journal from the 5th grade, well into college and beyond. I stopped a few years ago and it’s something I miss. It got me through all of the hard times in my life and with that, I decided to write this blog. The last three years of my life have been a complete nightmare. This person came into my life and completely disrupted it. I have lost so much because of her. Even though I pretty much maintained ZERO contact with her she still managed to find a way to destroy me. I refuse to be controlled and be a victim which is why I’ve decided to write this blog. I wished so bad I had at least one person who could really relate with me.  Narcissists don’t only  only hurt their victims, they cause tons of collateral damage too. This blog is for them.

 Watching a loved one falling under the spell of a narcissist is the equivalent of watching a  loved one plunge a needle into their arms, and turn into a junkie. Narcissists cast a spell over their victims. Much like a drug they alter their thoughts, their personalities and every other aspect of their lives. They isolate and control their victims. They come between their victims and everything that means something to them in their lives. If you do not get on board and stay in line with what the narcissist wants, you will be sought out and permanently black listed from the victim’s life with absolutely no explanation, and unless you go begging for forgiveness on your hands and knees, to the narcissist, you will never see your loved one again.(that is, again, unless the narcissist can find some type of use for you or has something to gain). 
I am speaking from experience.  I watched someone I love give up everything, to please one of these demented demons. It is hard. It is emotional but it’s going to be ok…I’m going to help you.